Putting My Heart Out There

Hey guys.

Here's where we're at right now: Matt finished his radiation treatments last week. Did they help? I don't know. He's sleeping a lot more. Having trouble chewing and swallowing. Not eating much. Not talking much, at least not in full sentences. It's just been a slow, steady decline for the last few months. I think it was really too late for radiation....But who knows, maybe it is delaying things.

We went in last Tuesday for his infusion and talked with his neuro-oncologist about everything that we've been seeing with Matt, and he decided that we're at the point now where we should discontinue treatments...I feel like it's the right decision, even though it breaks my heart knowing that there is nothing else we can do. But I feel like we've done everything. All the supplements, the diet, the chemo, the radiation...
Matt has fought hard. He never gave up hope. He kept the faith. He never complained through any of this. Not once did I hear him say, "Why me?" He still always thought of other people above himself, and anyone who knows him will tell you that. He is a true warrior.

It's hard to know how he feels about discontinuing treatment, because he can't communicate in full sentences most of the time. I know that it has to be hard for him though, because like me, he's kept the hope that there would be something that would help him survive this. I know that he wanted to keep fighting. The only thing he did manage to say to me that day about not continuing treatment was, "It sucks." Yeah, it does. While sometimes I may have eloquent words to say about this situation, other times that's the best way to describe what we're going through -it just sucks.

Sometimes I just can't even believe this is happening to me. Like, how do you imagine a life without the person who IS your life? It almost feels like I'm living in a dream. No, a nightmare. But it's not a dream. This is really happening. I'm really losing my best friend, my life partner, my whole world.

I don't know how much longer we have left, so I'm just loving him and kissing him and encouraging him with my words(I hope) and reading the bible to him at night....making sure he knows that I'll be okay.

And I am okay...right now.

I'm okay right now, because I still have his hand to hold.
I'm okay right now, because I say "I love you", and I get to hear him whisper, "I love you, too."
I'm okay right now, because I still get to fall asleep with him by my side and wake up in the morning with my arm around him.
I'm okay right now, because I get to look into his beautiful eyes and see his smile and kiss his face every day.
I'm okay right now, because he's still here with me.
But when he's not...you might as well just rip out my heart right out of my chest. I try to imagine life without him...I try to prepare myself for that outcome...but I just can't really know what it will feel like. Life without him seems unimagineable.

Comments

  1. thank you for sharing these updates. I simply have no words to give that would make you feel any better about your situation other than something positive will come from it, in some form or fashion. A very wise man once told me that even in the worst and hardest of times, something good will arise from it. This man was my Opa who, like Matt, never ever complained about his diagnosis (terminal cancer), never ever mentioned his pain, discomfort during treatments. He always thought of others and made sure we were the ones doing ok. So please know that no matter how hard things are going to be for you ,you will have the strength to make it to the other side of it. Sending hugs to you and Matt. Thoughts and prayers are with you!

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  2. My thoughts are with you. You are very brave, and Matt is fortunate to have you by his side x

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    1. Lindsay, I never met Matt but as a former professional wrestler, my heart and my soul feel for the both of you. Your blog brought tears to my eyes, picturing my fiancee Fiona holding my hand, looking into MY eyes, and never knowing when or if I were to wake up, is not a wish I would put upon even my worst enemy if I had one. Keep loving him, keep holding his hands and please tell him that "HB2K" was watching him through the entire season of Tough Enough - making his dreams realities - as I too was destroying my body for the first love of my life (wrestling). Ten years later, I too suffer from Type 1 diabetes, and know all too well what it's like having a debilitating disease looming over my shoulders at all times, never knowing how long I do have on this earth, but knowing that my life will be cut short sooner than others. My father passed away when I was 24 from Stage IV bone cancer and I have seen the ravaging path of destruction that he suffered through first-hand. We don't know each other, we haven't met, but from a fellow 'one of the boys', my heart goes out to Matt and yourself. Cherish every moment, every breath, every second and never, EVER go to bed without saying those magical three words to each other. Thank you for reading this, be strong and tell Matt from me: "Hennigan was never as entertaining as Cappotelli!" I hope he laughs and it brings a much needed smile. All our thoughts, hearts and prayers...MK

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  3. Go to www.earthhealthcare.com for CannaDna Kit. Get Matt on Cannabis: THC:CBD Ratio. The Kit will determine the proper Dose. The Cannabinoids work in conjunction with our Endocannabinoids which are inside of us. Cannabis works for Brain Cancer. Take Care & Good Bless.

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    1. Cannabis is a wonderful pain reliever, but it is not a cancer cure. Please do not give out false information to an already struggling women

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    2. It actually IS a cancer cure. My mother had Stage 3 colon cancer and after a year of using a THC:CBD protocol she is cancer free without ever being exposed to chemo.

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    3. Thank you, but we have tried this. It is not a cure. It works for some, but it did not work for my husband. I appreciate you trying to help. But I know far too many people who have tried THC and did not make it.

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  4. Lindsay i have gotten the privilege of meeting you and Matt Cappotelli such wonderful people and im proud to say matt keeps me going Lindsay he is my inspiration to keep going and always #TEAMMATT #CANCERSUCKS Lindsay please keep me updated with Matt's stauts PRAYERS AND HOPE AND LOVE FOR YOU A

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  5. PLEASE WATCH.GOD bless you in Jesus Christ name

    https://youtu.be/BBDBW_10q-E
    https://youtu.be/Wh1VU-_OF98
    https://streamable.com/k8wkt

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  6. I have had the pleasure of watching Matt wrestle at OVW for years. Will always remember the nights where he would greet the Crowd and always make time for the kids. God Bless this Wonderful Man and his Wife!!!! My Son and I will always wear our Team Capp shirts and wear them proudly!!!!

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  7. Mrs. Cappotelli, have you guys looking into using THC (marijuana) for treatment? My mom was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer last year, as of this year she is cancer free. Look into it please it may not save his life but it won't poison him like chemo.

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  8. God bless Matt and you Lindsay. I remember him in OVW, always a gentleman, one of the best guys there, he was a positive light. God bless you.

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  9. This is very saddening to read. I myself just finished dealing with chemo treatment about a month ago. Stage 3 Hodgkin's Lymphoma and it is constantly on my mind of when it will return. It is terrifying.

    I have been a fan of Matt's for a long time. Since his days of Tough Enough. I kept waiting for him to finally get the call up to the main WWE roster, but then I caught wind of what was going on and he's never left my thoughts.

    I am very sorry for what you both have to go through dealing with this mess. It truly does suck. After all his fighting it has come to this. I am not a religious man, but just know you guys are in a lot of people's hearts and thoughts. Support is out here for you guys. <3

    - Zach Smith

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  10. I went to school with Matt, I wasn't so much in his circle of friends but in the few interactions I had with him he was always kind and I honestly never heard him say a bad thing to or about anyone. I have watched this tragic story unfold and now realize that Matt has already beat this. Yes the cancer may take his life but the both of you have conquered this. God bless you Lindsay and Matt. You continue to be in my prayers.

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  11. As a life long WWE fan, I was happy to see him succeed in WWE Tough Enough. He was able to live out a dream so many others could not. I'm very saddened to hear about his brain tumor. My mother lost her battle with Glioblastoma Multiforme almost 4 years ago at the young age of 50. I totally understand everything your family is going through. The resections, the chemo, the radiation treatments, pills, infusions. Everything done just to get another day. My mother was like Matt. A fighter until the very end. Enjoy every moment you can. Life can be very unfair sometimes. I've even questioned my faith after my mom passed, but I just have to reassure myself God has a plan for everyone. I wish your family prayers as your going through this trying time and may Matt have peace and comfort in the days ahead.

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  12. Know that Matt and all his loved ones are in our prayers. He has given so much through out his battle . You have no idea the strength he has given to so many.

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  13. Hey. My father had this same tumour, but in his spine, it took his body and then his life after a 4.5 year battle, which he had been originally given 5 weeks.
    I am not a believer, but my thoughts are with you and your family and hope for the best in all things.

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  14. Lindsay, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Matt during his WWE years With big smile & great laugh he was special to us all. When I found him on FB and sent him a friend request he was so gracious- probably didn’t remember me but was too kind to say it. I’m so sad for this happening now in your lives, I prayed along with you & rejoiced when he seemed better & cried when you announced he’d need more treatment. My heart goes out to you. But let’s pray for Gods miracle that Matt gets to stay longer on this earth. The world needs him. You need him. May you be able to hug him a million more times.

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  15. Prayers of strength, healing, and comfort for all involved. I hate this for you all, but thankful that we have a promise that goes way beyond what we deal with in this world. You already know this, but you're a blessed woman, and you're a blessing to your husband and all of us. Though the struggles might get too heavy, remember Prov.3 Verses 5 to 6. "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." In times and situations like this, it is hard to understand the why's, but know that God will sustain you. He will keep you. He has Matt in His hands. It may not seem like it due to everything that is happening with his physical body, but God will take care of Matt. He loves him. He loves you. This mortal body is just a vehicle for what lives forever. I'm thankful for Matt's testimony, and praying for continued strength for you and your family.

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  16. I just read this story and learned that Matt passed away. Lindsay, though I don't know you you're in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully you and Matt created beautiful memories together that will last your lifetime. Hold onto those closely.

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