I Miss Her

 I miss her...     the old me      the peaceful me      the strong me      the calm me I miss her...      the carefree me      the stress free me      the optimistic me I miss her...      the whole me      the non-broken hearted me      the always happy me I miss her...      the her that was his       the her that was loved so completely      the her that didn't live in fear

Those "Evil" Step Moms

Step Moms. Always the bad guys. The ones who didn't birth or raise the children that they love and sacrifice for. But we are the bad guys.  The ones who kiss boo-boos, read bedtime stories, wash piles and piles of laundry and make school lunches...but we are the bad guys.  The ones who pick up or drop off at school when needed, throw ball in the back yard, make sure dinners are made and snacks are always on hand...but we are the bad guys. The ones who schedule and plan and organize, who keep the home running...but we are the bad guys. The ones who plan the birthday parties and make sure each child feels special on their day...but we are the bad guys. The ones who don't HAVE to love, but CHOOSE to...but we are the bad guys. The ones who are overlooked and often unappreciated and disregarded. The ones who are disrespected and told we aren't "real" moms....but we are the bad guys. When someone needs a villain in the story,  step moms are the go-to. But we will gladly

Springggg Has Sprung

 Hiii!!! It's Spring, and the weather is FINALLY beginning to cooperate! Lately it's been like 80 degrees one day, and then it's back to being 50 the next day. We had a few nights last week at baseball games where we froze our butts off at the fields. So not cool. I am beyond ready for the warm weather to be here for good! Lake days are calling my name... So I thought I'd do a little "life lately" post in pics. We've been staying busy with the kids, as always. Baseball started a few weeks ago, so it's pretty much chaos with games every night of the week! We celebrated Liam turning 13, which is crazyyyy. He was only 9 when I met him!  I've gotten the Jeep out a few times now that we've had some warmer days, and surprisingly picked it back up pretty quickly! I am still just driving it through the neighborhoods, but it makes me happy! I'm gonna just keep practicing and get it back out on the roads without being terrified-that's the goal, a


Hi to the five people who still read blogs! I know this isn't really a popular platform these days, so I write here mostly as a way to just keep record of my thoughts through the years. As I've said before, it's sort of like an online diary for me.  Friendships have been on my mind lately. I've recently just felt really hurt, confused, left out and excluded. I try to put on this "hard" exterior, like nothing bothers me, but deep down, it really does.  I've come to realize that I really struggle with friendships. I struggle with wanting friends, with wanting to feel included and part of a group, but at the same time, struggling with the energy and effort it takes to maintain those friendships-with doing all the "right" things to be someone people would want to be friends with. I know that it's me; I know I'm different. I'm not the most social, I'm not the most talkative, I'm not the most emotional. I'm not super funny or wi

It's Okay to Be Different

All my life, I've been a little different. In high school, I was the one who didn't go to parties, drink alcohol, or hook up with my boyfriends. I didn't care if I was different, if I wasn't doing what everyone else was doing, or what was considered the "norm". I never tried to "fit in" or be a part the "cool" crowd. I had no desire for that. I was confident in myself and confident in my faith and who God created me and wanted me to to be. Doing something just because "everyone else is doing it" just was and is not a good excuse for me. I actually kind of like to do the opposite of what  most people are doing...I'm a rebel, what can I say-ha!  That carried on into the rest of my life. I never had the desire for a traditional church wedding. While most people wouldn't dare not have a wedding with family and friends, Matt and I eloped to Hawaii without telling a single person. Having a bridal shower and bachelorette party, a


I'm not the same person I was 4 and a 1/2 years ago.  I feel like I have experienced more in these last years than I have in my whole life.  I wish that this version of me could talk to Matt. I would LOVE to talk to him, get his wisdom and insight on things. I miss that terribly. Matt just seemed to know everything and always have the best wisdom and advice to give.  Losing Matt isn't just something that happened to me in my past and then I just move on and think about it here and there. No-it forever changed me. You don't lose your HUSBAND, your whole LIFE, and come out unscathed.  I think about him all the time. I see reminders of him everywhere, daily. And while I can be happy with my life now, grief and sadness are forever companions that visit, sometimes more often than others.  Matt shaped who I was for the 14 years that I knew him. I was truly the most happy, peaceful and content I've ever been in my life. And losing him has changed and shaped me. Grief has chang


  As the years go by, the memories fade more and more... The details become hazy. Do I remember how your hand felt in mine, the feel of your skin, being wrapped in your arms? Do I truly remember? The fact that it's slipping away tears my heart in two. But at the same time, if it was always fresh in my mind, how would I be able to go on living? I don't want to forget...14 years of my life with you, a living, breathing person. And now, just a memory. I find myself wanting to say I'm sorry. For what? Continuing to live? For forgetting? For starting a new life with someone else? But I didn't want to. I didn't want to.