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How Things Change...

 You know, I think God really does know what he's doing. When Matt and I got married, neither of us really wanted or didn't want children. It was something I kept an open mind to, but as the years went on, the desire to have a child never came. Matt never expressed the desire to have one, either, and we just enjoyed our life together as it was. But the weird thing was that while I never felt that urge to have a baby of my own, I remember at certain moments, picturing a future with kids, having holiday celebrations and watching them play sports. I just remember thinking, "well, how is that going to be a thing if I never have the desire to actually get pregnant?" Fast forward years later...and here I am. Not technically a stepmom, but I have three little kiddos now in my life who I love and care for. Who would've thought? Sometimes it is still all bizarre to me that I'm here now, living this life that is SOOO entirely different from the one I had and thought I w
People always said That time would heal the pain But how can that be When mine still remains? The tears still fall At just the thought of you So I know that what they say Just can't be true As the years go by I miss you so much still  No matter how much time passes I know I always will How are you not here To ease my hurting heart? Never could I have imagined We would ever be apart My world has been shattered A piece of me is gone And all I can do is pray For strength to live on I know that one day soon I will see you again I just have to try to suffer through And make it until then

Dear Diary

It's been 2 and 1/2 years, and I feel like I can't voice my pain anymore.  No one wants to hear that it still hurts. I feel like it's "allowed" the first year...maybe two...now I just feel like a burden.  People don't come right out and say it, but I can tell they want me to be "over" it. They see me "moving on". They see me smiling, and it makes them happy.  So there's no one to tell, on the days when my heart feels like it's breaking all over again. When I want to cry and yell and tell someone it still hurts.  People don't like to see pain they can't fix. They don't like to see grief that's not neat and tidy, or grief that doesn't follow a certain path or timeline. I'm thankful for the days Damon holds me and lets me cry, just like he did this past weekend on my wedding anniversary. But I know it can't be easy for him. There's a part of me that knows I do have to hold back slightly from him, from ev

Adulting is Hard!

Does anyone still blog or even read mine anymore? If not, oh well! I think of this as an online diary of sorts, to always have to look back on...sooo I guess I'll keep writing here and there! Things are not too bad lately besides the awful weather! I am sooo ready for Spring and warm weather. It's definitely got me down and super stir crazy. February is the worst month ever. Besides that, it's just normal life stuff.  I didn't take Matt for granted as far as how amazing he was, what a great husband he was, but I definitely did take for granted all the things he did for me. He made life easy for me, because he handled EVERY. SINGLE. THING, while I lived off in "lala" land lol. Which was all fine and dandy... until he died. I am sure that in the end when he couldn't talk that was one of the things that he worried about. It's one of the many things that suck about being widowed. Having someone to help with "adulting"...having an extra hand aroun

Flourish

2020 is finally over! I had a blast going out for the first time ever on New Year's Eve. I love my friends! I'm not one to wish time away, but this is the first time in a few years that I've actually looked forward to a new year. The past 3 years of my life have been such a whirlwind and a roller coaster of emotions. My concept of time has been so distorted and has made the last few years seem like a whole lifetime ago. From finding out Matt's brain cancer had returned in 2017, to becoming his caretaker, to him passing away in 2018...to 2019 being such a strange year of grieving, dating, trying new things, starting a new job, learning how to live on my own first the first time in my life...my brain has been traumatized and is still processing and adjusting to this new life that still sometimes doesn't seem like my own. For so long, I felt like I was lost at sea, just drifting around wherever the waves took me. I had lost all my sense of stability and certainty when

Widowhood

  “Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation. Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection. Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home . Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you. Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path. Widowhood is second guessing everythi

Ranting

 I get mostly love and support and encouragement and I'm so thankful for that, but there are the few ignorant/nasty people out there whose comments I know shouldn't get to me, but are still like a stab in the gut.  I don't feel the need to defend myself, because I am going to live my life and do what brings me happiness, no matter what anyone thinks... but it's hard not to let those few mean comments get to you. I realize that by putting myself out there, I do open myself to judgement, and that's okay. It's worth it for the people that I am helping by being real and sharing my story. But ya just gotta love when people who haven't been through what you've experienced think they have a say in how you should live your life... like there is some sort of rulebook that widows should follow after losing a spouse to make others comfortable.  I mean, would you like to write a manual on grief? Would you like to tell me how many years I should wait, if ever, to fin