Lindsay's Ramblings

I know to some, it doesn't make sense. But be thankful that it doesn't make sense to you... That you can carry Joy and sorrow at the same time... That you can feel grief and happiness at the same time... That you can have a hole in your heart that will never heal, yet still live life to the fullest... That you can miss what was and still love the life that you have. I know, because I'm living it.

These days... there's the sadness that comes with grief,  the ache that is always there... But also, now there's a sadness, another type of grief,  that comes with the wondering... if my future is secure, if I'm truly valued and treasured and wanted... the sadness of not having the security I once had  that comes with a ring on my finger... a promise... of forever... The uncertainty is killing me and wearing me down feeling like I have to BEG  for someone to see my value,  to choose me... not just for NOW... but for forever. Because after all I've been through I just want my happily ever after

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would one day be a "stepmom", helping to raise three kids that aren't my own.  It's funny how we plan and envision our lives a certain way...never thinking that they could be turned upside down and end up nothing like what we had planned in our minds.  It just goes to show, you can make your plans, but ultimately you gotta just roll with whatever happens in life, live in the moment, and be up for anything...because your whole entire life can completely change in an instant. All your plans, your goals for the future...up in flames...gone...in a blink. And then you're left starting from scratch, staring at this blank future, this whole new world in front of you that you don't even know how to navigate... And then...God led me to Damon, this man with three kids that I fell in love with. I had NO idea what I was doing, or what I was getting myself into, but here I am, six years later...watching those three li...

I cried on my way to work today.  Which really isn't rare, to be honest... 7 years and I feel like I still cry so much and still miss him so much. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know how I'm "supposed" to feel after this long. Should I be missing him less? Thinking about him less? 7 years sounds like such a long time, yet to me it doesn't. Because I still miss him so much. I still feel like my partner is missing. It seems to never go away. Yes, some days are better than others. But there isn't really any long stretch of time where I go without thinking about or missing him.  I don't know what to do with that sometimes. I don't know if I'm "stuck" in my grief, or if it's normal, if this is just how I will feel for the rest of my life. A part of me just doesn't want to FEEL this grief anymore.  But I can't not feel it.  In the beginning, I welcomed it. I let it take over every part of me, whenever it wanted. I cried and ...

I've never struggled with self-esteem before...but it's taken a hit since Matt died, for various reasons. And parenting sure will reveal all your flaws and failures as a person! But I've found myself lately stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and self-talk...and it has just gotten worse these last few months.  I've done a lot of self-reflecting and thinking and journalling lately, and my eyes have been opened to some things. When I'm sitting in silence and not distracted/busy(usually when I'm driving), is when the negative thoughts start creeping in and then just continue to spiral... "I'm not good enough" "No one likes me" "I'll never have a friend" "I'm disposable" "No one cares how I feel" "I keep pushing people away" "I'm a failure" I find myself ruminating about past situations, things I should have said or done differently, or interactions with the kids and how I could ...

 Hey there, my 5 blog readers!  Figured I'd write a little life post on here, if nothing but for a life diary update for myself in the future... If you follow me on the socials, then you know we got a puppy back in February! She's a rescue dog-part Australian shepherd and part who knows what lol. She's a cutie, but mannnn, I forgot how hard puppies are! It's been pretty stressful and overwhelming, I'm not gonna lie. It's just a lot more work with having kids to also take care of and a busy schedule! I may have had a few regrets about this decision, but all we can do is roll with it now! She's a good girl...just VERY high energy and VERY vocal! We have a lot of work to do with leash reactivity. But she is a great snuggler! We had about a month off from sports for the summer-it seems like summer break just flew by! But I guess it always does! The kids went to Florida with their mom and then with us again a couple months later. It was a good beach trip, but nex...

  7 years... It's hard to fathom. 7 whole years without a piece of my heart and soul. Something I never imagined I could possibly live through, yet here I am. The time passes...and they say that time heals...but for me, the missing never stops. I think of him still, every day, all the time. I live life, and I experience joy and gratitude...and I have a good life. But it's not the same. I also have a pain and a heaviness that I live with on a daily basis that I'm still getting used to, as someone who was so "light" and joyful and bubbly and carefree their whole life. Some days I still feel like a stranger in my own life, like I'm just going through the motions. Some days I feel that I'll never get over it, that I'll never stop thinking about losing him, that I'll never be 100% okay again... and maybe that's true. Maybe this is my lot in this life-to have met and loved someone so hard that I'll never get over it...that I had a love for someon...