As the years go by, the memories fade more and more... The details become hazy. Do I remember how your hand felt in mine, the feel of your skin, being wrapped in your arms? Do I truly remember? The fact that it's slipping away tears my heart in two. But at the same time, if it was always fresh in my mind, how would I be able to go on living? I don't want to forget...14 years of my life with you, a living, breathing person. And now, just a memory. I find myself wanting to say I'm sorry. For what? Continuing to live? For forgetting? For starting a new life with someone else? But I didn't want to. I didn't want to.

Old & New

  Since Matt died 4 years ago, my life has been divided into the before and the after, into my "old" life and my "new" life. I loved my life then. I love my life now. Because I choose to. Do I miss things about my old life? Absolutely. But I'm grateful for what I have now, and I choose to embrace the life God has given me. There are so many things I miss about my old life, but there are things I love even more about my "new" life. Matt and I had no children. We had our little routine, just us, in our happy little bubble together. The house was peaceful and quiet alllll the time. Evenings were spent snuggled on the couch, weekends were date nights, hikes, and Jeep rides with Asher. I loved everything about it and would have changed NOTHING.  This new far from peaceful and quiet.   I now have 3 kids under my care with my boyfriend 50% of the time. It's loud and chaotic and BUSY. It's running all over the place to get to practices and ga

I wish

I wish I didn't have to be the bad guy. I wish you could see that I'm not your enemy.  I wish you knew that I have only ever had good intentions. I wish you would realize that I make mistakes and that I need grace, too. I wish you knew that this is all still a learning process for me. I wish you knew how much I care. I wish you would know that this isn't a competition. I wish everything didn't have to be a battle.  I wish you could let go of the resentment. I wish you knew how much words can hurt before you say them. I wish we could be a team and work together when there are disagreements. I wish the past could stay in the past.

The Drive

I 've always had an internal drive to be better than average and that, I believe, is partly why I have always been consistent with my workouts. In middle school and high school my parents never had to tell me to get outside and practice my pitching.  No one told me to do sprints up and down my driveway in the summers. No one made me stay after conditioning practice and run extra laps around the gym. No one told me to lift weights in my bedroom. I just wanted to be better than everyone else. I wanted to succeed and improve and be the best at what I did. I still have that drive.  I don't want to be like the average person who is weak and out of shape. I don't want to hate the way I look and accept getting older as meaning slowly gaining weight and feeling like crap. So that means I do things that the average person won't do. I prioritize getting my workouts in. I make healthy choices most of the time, not because I'm scared of eating bad food or because I'm dieti

4 Years

 June 29th, 2018.  4 years ago. The day that changed me forever. The day that made me a widow.  The day that a piece of my soul died, and it felt like all the light was sucked out from my life. The day that my heart was shattered, never to be whole again. 4 years...and I still carry my love and grief for him every single day. There will always be in a void in my heart from his absence.  Matt, you are a part of me, and I will love you forever. Nothing will ever change that.You taught me so much in the 14 years I spent with you. You taught me how to live. You taught me how to love. You taught me how to give. You taught me how to keep the faith and fight in the face of adversity. You taught me how to smile and laugh in the midst of life's trials. You taught me to find joy in each day. You taught me not to complain about life's circumstances, but instead, to use them to inspire other's and glorify God. You taught me that it's okay to be vulnerable and to wear my heart on my

Parenting is Hard!

 Hiiii y'all! It's been a while...anyone still out there in the good ol' blogspot world???? I know I'm so behind the times, but I still like having this blog as a way to look back on things throughout the years. Life's been pretty busy lately, but good! Having 3 kids 50% of the time definitely keeps things interesting! I have to give you parents out there props, because raising kids is HARDDDD.  Lately I have just been so hard on myself about the whole "stepmom" thing. I put a lot of pressure on myself, sometimes unnecessarily I feel like.  But I just care for these kids who are under my roof and want the best for them! I feel like it's gotten harder instead of easier as time has gone on. It's just a lot, especially being thrown into it so quickly and going from no kids and a quiet house all the lots of noise and chaos!  It's making food and snacks, and setting rules and having structure, and planning fun things, and cleaning up const

A Stone in Your Pocket

  “The best way I can describe grief as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket. When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body. Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone, or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain. There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts. Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by its weight, you forget things like your car keys and hom