Lindsay's Ramblings

I can't sleep tonight My thoughts are filled with you I wanna turn over and kiss you But that's something I can't do I miss your presence beside me Your body next to mine But when when I reach out for you Your hand I no longer find I want you to hold me And I want to touch your face One thing I miss the most Is the warmth of your embrace I want to crawl up next you And lay my head on your chest Listen to your heartbeat And put my mind to rest How can it really be That I'll never feel your touch again? Living forever without that Is something I'd never imagined I can only hope to close my eyes And see you in my dreams tonight Maybe that will ease the ache Of not having you by my side But then I'll just wake up tomorrow To see that you're not here And remember the reality Of how I'm living my worst fear I miss you more than anything And not a second of the day goes by When I'm

3 months. It's been 3 months since I last looked into his eyes, last saw him smile, last kissed his beautiful face, last held his hand, last rested my head on his chest and felt his heart beat. Too long. Far. too. long. It still feels surreal at times that I really lost my husband...I often find myself thinking, "How is he not here? How is this even my life?" As I wrote in my last post, I was in one of those grief waves for a couple of weeks since I got back from Florida. It was rough. When you're in one of those waves, it's hard to see a way out, to think about ever being happy again, to imagine it ever getting better. You just hurt. SO bad. You still go out and function and smile, but you never know what random thing will cause the tears to flow. And it's so hard because no one knows how you feel, so you just suffer in silence. I can totally understand why people commit suicide after their spouse dies. I would never do that because I know God has things He

I’ve had a rough week since getting back from Florida. I’ve just been so emotional and sad and felt like I’ve wanted to cry all the time. I miss Matt SO much I can’t stand it sometimes. My heart hurts. My brain hurts. I am definitely being hit by one of those grief waves right now.... But yet, you have to go on living, and hide it, and pretend like you’re okay. You cry in the shower, in the car, and in your bed at night...and that's just your new norm. When people ask how I’m doing these days, I don’t even know how to answer anymore. I don’t even know what to say. They say time makes it better, but I feel like the more time that has passed, the more I miss him. Sometimes it feels like my life with Matt was all just a dream. Maybe that’s weird, I don’t know, but that’s what it feels like. Maybe because the memories are hazy. Maybe because this last year seemed to last forever, that strange in-between world that separated my two lives. But it was real. It was real. He was re