Lindsay's Ramblings

It's been 6 months, 2 days, 9 hours, 40 minutes since I last kissed his face and said goodbye to the love of my life. I had a major grief wave hit me Saturday. It's crazy how you really think you're doing okay, and then suddenly you're not.  You're not okay at all. You feel pain, so much pain, unbearable pain, and you just want it to go away, but it won't. You cry and cry and cry and the tears keep coming. And you look around, only to find that there's no one there. Not one person. No one who can help you or hold you or fix it. Matt could fix everything. But he can't fix this. I wish I could say I'm doing better than I was last month, but I can't. I felt worst last this weekend than I've felt in a long time, like since the day Matt died. I felt like I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, because I don't want to feel pain like that ever again. The emptiness. The loneliness. I'm so over it. But I know that I have to suff...

I know people think they are helping when they say these things, but they actually are not helpful. I just cringe when I hear them. "You're still young" So being young makes it hurt less somehow? When people say that all it feels like is that they're just dismissing my pain. The thing is, knowing that I may find love again doesn't help right now because I chose HIM-I wanted him, not anyone else. It hurts to think about someone else when all I wanted was him. He was supposed to be my forever. Not someone else. Being young doesn't mean it's any less hard to lose the love of your life, your best friend, your whole world. "He's always watching over you/he's your guardian angel" This doesn't bring me comfort, because I don't feel this way. I don't know if it's true or not, but I don't want to make up stories to make myself feel better. Also, the bible says we do NOT become angels in Heaven, so no, he is not my guardia...

Well, 5 months has come and gone. Things are about the same. There are some days where I still feel this nauseous feeling in my stomach, or if it's not that, it's more of a panicky/anxious feeling in my chest. I still feel "weird", but the weirdness I guess is something I'm getting more used to feeling. I'm always going to feel weird when half of my soul is in another place... The thing that has been the hardest the last couple weeks is not having that person whose arms you could fall into, that one person who you could just let go and let it out and not be strong with. The one person who would just hold you and let you cry it out. The one person you didn't have to put up a front with. It gets tiring always holding it in, not having that safe place to land, not having someone to comfort you on the hard days, someone to just sit beside you and hold your hand, someone to ask about your day, someone to actually care about the pain you feel inside. I'm...

The nights are so lonely The days are so dull Without your big smile To make my heart full The world is so different  Without you here I have all the memories But I still want you near There's a void in my heart That can never be filled A gaping hole That may never be healed You were my safe place You were my everything With you by my side Life was so amazing I try to be happy But this just isn't right I feel like I'm living Someone's else's life If only I could hug you All my pain would go away Just one kiss from you And it would all be okay But you're not here to hold me My life with you is gone So I take a deep breath And pray for strength to carry on