A post I can relate to in many ways.
I'm not super super lean, and I have never "dieted" for a competition(nor will I EVER), but I will admit that I have become a little OCD with food in the last year. I've changed the way I eat a LOT, and I've gotten leaner. And I can definitely see that when you get really lean, it's like you're never satisfied-you only want to get leaner and leaner. The leaner you are, the more obsessive you become. You become so critical of yourself. You point out all the little places where you still have fat to lose, even just the tiniest bit.
And I know it's not just me. Anyone who is very lean has to work really hard for it. Being that lean does not come easy for most women. It's a little easier for me than most because I have a pretty fast metabolism. But I still have to work for it.
I do sometimes miss the days when I didn't think so much about every little thing I put into my mouth-the days when I wasn't scared to eat fruit if it wasn't a workout day or to have something "bad", even if it wasn't a planned cheat. Now it's all about high carb days/low carb days, and eating carbs only at certain times. I can get a little crazy with it!
And why? I want to be as healthy as I can be. But the thing is, I DON'T want to be totally ripped and shredded. That look just doesn't look good on me, and I know that! I like where I'm at right now as far as my bodyfat. I want to gain more muscle, but not get any leaner. Yeah, I would love for my abs to show a little more, but with my body type that's just where I store my fat. So in order to get my abs to show, I'd have to get leaner all over. And I don't want that.
Here's a picture of me 6 years ago, when I pretty much ate whatever I wanted. I didn't eat junk food or fast food all the time, but I didn't eat anywhere close to the way I do now. My abs didn't really show much, but I kind of like the way I looked with more fat!
And this is me from last year, when I first started cutting back on carbs. My stomach is a little leaner than the pic above, but I think I just look scrawny. I have more muscle than this pic shows, too, I swear! LOL. But I don't want to get any leaner than this.
I'm a perfectionist-have been my whole life. It's hard for me to focus on the good about myself-I just see the skinny legs, the fat on my upper back and my love handles....I have to accept that I will never be perfect! From here on out, my strength and performance is going to be my main priority, not my looks! I'm going to loosen up on my diet just a little and see what happens. If I gain some fat, who really cares? I have muscle that I love, and I am fit, healthy and strong!
Lindsay, i read the article you posted. i could have written something exactly like that about 8 yrs ago- actually i did in my own journals. I got to the point where i was never lean enough and even though i looked better and more lean than most women within 100 miles of me- i wasn't satisfied and it left me empty. I had brainwashed myself with images from fitness mags and websites. I went to great lengths that were unhealthy to look 'healthy' and 'fit'. It was emotionally damaging more than physical though. I couldn't see myself in the mirror as i really looked to everyone else- i even devloped body dysmorphia for awhile. I got sick of thinking about what i was going to eat, what i should eat, what i shouldn't eat, when was i going to work out next, how did my muscles look, how did my body look... it took over my whole life and God showed me it was an idol in my life. A stronghold.
ReplyDeleteI was getting my worth from how i looked and i wanted fitness and my 'look' to define who i was. I was holding on to my 'right' to look a certain way and to keep fitness as one of the highest priorities in my life. One day God showed me a picture of my heart and i had a little closet in my heart that had a lock on it. I had surrendered all the other areas of my heart to God except what was in that closet. That was mine and i wanted control over it. In that closet was my body image and fitness. I didn't want anyone to mess with that. God wanted me to open that closet up and surrender that area over to Him as well. I knew I couldn't say He was Lord unless He was Lord of ALL of my life. THAT was a hard and painful journey.
You are beautiful inside and out because God made you that way. he is the only one you need to please. He alone knows your worth and it has nothing to do with how you look or how fit you are. I used to be known for fitness and for my looks. I was known for my passion for fitness. Over the past few years, hopefully i am known for my passion for Christ and living for Him in as much as i can. I still believe in being healthy and exercise is important to keep us healthy. But just like in everything else we do, we need to do it for the glory of God and not for ourselves.
I am so much happier now and so much more at peace with God and myself. I am confident in Christ and all my worth and acceptnace comes from Him. Yes, I weigh a few pounds more and I'm a little fluffier than before. But thats' ok. My weight and my looks do not define me anymore. Hopefully my fruits of the spirit define me now :)
Don't mean to be preachy but i do have a heart for other people who are walking on a path similar to one that i've alredy been on :) I hate to see girls caught up in perfectionism and anxieties about food, looks, etc.... :)
Good luck to you as you find balance and peace and moderation in all areas of your life. You seem like such a sweet girl :)
Thanks Chanin. I understand and completely agree with you. I can tell when food is starting to consume my life and my thoughts, and that's when I know it's getting out of hand, and I have to just give it to God. It is so easy to get caught up in looks, and for me, trying to be perfect! But at least I can recognize that and know that it's not good. I NEVER want my body or my looks to define me. It is a struggle sometimes to find that balance.
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