Sad

So this is gonna be a more serious post than the ones I've posted lately...I just want to get out my feelings and get this off my chest. It's always helped me deal with things by writing about them and just venting. Getting it out usually makes me feel a little better. Sorry, it may be a long one.

I worry about my little brother, Jesse. It's a constant weight on my heart; a sadness that just won't go away. He's on my mind every day. It's hard to see my little baby brother do the things that he's doing. He used to be my little "buddy", who was always there hanging out with my sister and me and our friends, and now...now it's like he's just not that same person anymore. I miss my little brother!

I went through this same thing with my sister. After Dad died, she got pretty bad into drugs. That was really hard for me. She was my best friend all my life-the only one I could cry with and talk to about anything...and then I lost her. She wasn't the same person at all anymore. I felt like I had lost my sister and my best friend. Things are much better now, but we still don't have the close relationship that we had growing up. I didn't ever think I would have to go through the same thing with my little brother.

There's 8 years between Jesse and me, and I have always been protective of him. I would've tried to do anything to protect him from everything bad in this world. I have prayed since he was a baby for God to have His hand on Jesse's life and to keep him from drugs, smoking, drinking. I never would've thought my sweet little innocent baby brother would be doing the things he's doing now. It's hard to see that.

I know that he's just really lost in this world right now. Everything changed when Dad died. Jesse rejected God and now doesn't even believe in Him at all. I begged and begged him to come to church with us so many times, but he never would. I guess he was mad at God for taking his Dad away from him.

I tried to be there for him after Dad died. I wanted Matt and I to be a positive influence in his life. I wanted him to look up to Matt as a role model. I wanted that SO bad because Jesse had no one else....but it just didn't work out that way. The first year after Dad died, we hung out with Jesse and took him places with us all the time, and him and Matt got along really well. Then all of a sudden it seemed he just started pushing us away. He stopped wanting to hang out with us.

Then he started getting really mean and angry. And he's been that way ever since. Now we're not really close anymore at all. I've tried to get him to hang out and do stuff with us, but he never wants to. I mostly just see him at family functions. And now I'm just tired of trying.

It's so hard to go from having your little brother with you all the time, being so close, being your best bud, to having him reject you. I didn't want things to end up like this. A part of me feels sorry for him for all that he's been through at such a young age. Things probably would've ended up a lot different if Dad were still alive. I know that he's really hurting inside, and maybe being mean and angry is his way of dealing with his pain.

But then sometimes I get angry. I'm mad that he's doing the things that he's doing. I'm mad that he can be so mean to me sometimes. I'm mad that he doesn't try to honor Dad by doing the things he would want him to do. I'm mad that he's rejected God and won't even give it a chance to see how much better his life would be with Him in it.

But most of the time I'm just sad. And sometimes I feel like I've failed him. I wanted to be an example to him, but he chose not to follow it, so maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I went about things the wrong way, didn't say or do the right things, or maybe I was too hard on him at times. Maybe I just have to accept that this is just a phase that all teenagers go through, and that he'll get through it and be okay in the end...

I just want him to be happy. I don't want him to to be filled with hate and anger and bitterness. I want him to have the joy and the hope that I have. I just don't really know what to do anymore. I've done all that I can. I guess now I just have to continue praying for him because it's all I can do.

I hope that one day he'll figure things out. I hope that we'll be close again and be friends like we used to. I hope to have my little brother back one day.