The Words I Never Thought I'd Hear

One week ago today I heard the four words I hoped I would never hear again:
"My tumor came back."

Since Matt's brain surgery 10 years ago, he gets MRIs about once a year. He had one back in February, which we were told was completely clear, and his next one was scheduled for July.

A couple weeks ago, he began experiencing daily headaches, fatigue, and loss of balance. We attributed these symptoms to side effects from some seizure medications he was taking, as well as withdrawals from a medication he was taking for Parkinsonism-type symptoms. But after a few days of the headaches, we decided it would be best to get the MRI done sooner than it was scheduled.

The MRI was moved up to last Tuesday morning, and a few hours later he called me with the results-the tumor had returned. He was at work at the time and was told to go immediately to the hospital. His boss took him there, and I met them there later after I got the call from Matt.

When I hung up the phone with Matt after hearing the news, I immediately broke down. I couldn't hold back the tears. My biggest fear and worst nightmare had come true.

At the hospital that night we talked with the neurologist team and were told that the tumor had returned and that it had completely refilled the space the last tumor had been but also expanded to a larger area near the brain stem. They said that it had transformed into a much more aggressive tumor. The doctor's exact words were that he was "shocked" at how fast it had grown since the last MRI in February. We then discussed treatment options, and at that point we decided to have the operable part of the tumor removed as soon as possible.

Matt's parents and brother came down Wednesday from New York. The surgery took place Thursday morning at 10:30 and lasted over 9 hours. The doctor was very happy with how the surgery went and said that he was able to remove a large part of the tumor, with the exception of what was near the brain stem.

They expected that he would have some deficiencies after the surgery, but Matt is doing amazingly well with little to no deficiencies. He was being his usual jokester self the next day, messing around with all the nurses and making everyone laugh. He was released from the hospital just 2 days after the surgery.

Sunday was our first full day at home. It was a good day- I got some things done around the house, and Matt hung out and relaxed with his parents. He was even able to take a short walk through the neighborhood! We finally got a good night's sleep for the first time in almost a week, which really helped. He is in great spirits and not in any pain! It's pretty amazing. Can't hold this man down!

Needless to say, it's been a crazy week-it almost feels like I'm in a dream. Like, am I really going through this again? My emotions are all over the place, but for the most part, I've been good. As long as I stay busy and distracted, I can hold it together. I'm trusting in my God, who I know has a plan and a purpose for all of this. He is my anchor-my strength, my peace, and my joy. I couldn't make it through this without Him.

But I'm not gonna lie, I am scared this time. This man is my life. He is my everything. I hate that He has to go through this again. But he is strong, and he will fight this. God will get us through. Right now I'm just taking it day by day, moment by moment. That's all I can do. Depend on God to give me the grace and strength that I need just for THIS day, THIS moment.

When we get the pathology results back in a few days we'll know what we're dealing with and where to go from there. But until then...we wait. 
We pray.
We trust. 
We hope.