Such a strange world I'm living in these days...strange feelings and emotions I'm not used to feeling. I miss feeling like my old self, without this cloud of sadness hanging over my head. I miss him. I miss him so much. I have so many things I want to tell him and talk to him about. I just really need him.
I've always been the strong and steady one, the one who doesn't show emotions, who doesn't fall apart, who helps everyone else with their problems, but that doesn't mean I don't need help and encouragement. Sometimes you don't always want to "be strong". Matt was that one person in my life who was the person I didn't have to be strong for, who could encourage and support me, and I literally have NO ONE else in my life like that.
It's weird, because a part of me wants people to just think I'm fine, doesn't want to be raw and real and vulnerable... but then another part of me wants people to know how I really feel, desperately wants someone to "get" how broken and empty I feel some days...but how can they? How can I put it into words? And sometimes I feel like, do they really care? Everyone has to go on with their lives. They have their issues and don't need mine. They have no time for an emotional, crazy person. I feel like people will get tired of me saying the same things over and over again. Like, okay, that's enough sadness for now, just move on. No one knows quite what to say or do for me, I get that. Some days I don't even know what I want or need, and it varies every 5 minutes.
Because it's like this:
Some days are okay. Some days are actually good. And some days are a struggle.
Some days you can hold it together just fine, and some days you can't.
Some days just feel so long and pointless...because I don’t get to kiss him good bye every morning, or look forward to him walking through the door at night after work. I don't have his smile to my brighten days.
Some days you feel like a cloud is hanging over your head all day. You're not trying to feel sad, you don't want to feel sad...but you can’t help it.
Some days you cry, some days you just feel numb.
Some days you think you will get better, and some days you think you never will.
Some days you just feel this constant panic when you think about them being gone, when you think about the life you have now-this new life you didn’t want or choose, and the pain, the grief, that is your new best friend, that you'll have to live with forever.
Some days you just don’t want to try, and you just want to wallow in the sadness, but you don’t. You fight it, and you keep going. Keep moving forward and living life, even though it takes so much effort.
Some days you wonder if you'll ever find purpose again, if you'll ever be happy again.
Some days you just want to talk to someone, but some days you don't, because you don't even know what to say, and really, the only person you want to talk to isn't here.
Some days you just want to be done with it, with feeling this way, with missing them.... but it's not something that you can just force away. It's something that's now a part of you, that will always be there, that you'll learn to cope with better, at some point...you hope.
But I will. I will to learn to cope and live with this. I know I will. I know I will be okay. Not happy, not great, but I'm gonna be okay. I'm not depressed, and it's not like I can't function. I do. It's just hard some days, that's all.
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