Just need to vent tonight. This blog is turning into "Dear Diary" posts again, like when I first started it. Is that okay with y'all? Can I use this as a place to vent for a while? I feel like eventually y'all are just gonna get tired of hearing me say the same things over and over again...but it helps me.
I just got back from Kalamazoo Michigan. A few of Matt's football teammates flew me out there for the homecoming game, where they did a little tribute thing for Matt before the game. I really enjoyed being there and seeing where he played.
But every time there's a high, the crash always follows. The emotions all hit me later.
That's just what things are like these days. You keep the emotions at bay as long as you can, and then they just hit you, and you come home and crash, and let it all out. Lay on your bedroom floor and sob. Just goes to show, don't let someone's "Facebook life" fool you. Behind the happy pictures they post, you don't know what they're really dealing with.
I've felt a little mentally and physically drained the past week. I've just been going, going, going, and it's getting to me. I've been working a lot more, not sleeping as much, not working out, my house is dirty, and I haven't mowed the lawn in I don't know how long. Because when I get home from work, the last thing I wanna do is go pick up a lawn full of dog poop. Then I see things around the house and think about who's going to do upkeep on stuff around the house and cars and things like that? I also feel like I'm a bad dog mom and a bad aunt, because I don't have the physical or mental energy to give right now, and I hate that.
Yeah, maybe some of you will think, well, welcome to the "real world". And yeah, maybe that's true...maybe this is just real life, but it's a life that I'm not used to. Because I used to have someone to share these responsibilities with. I used to have someone to come home and vent to and talk to when I had a rough day. I used to have someone who could always bring a smile to my face no matter what.
I'm still adjusting to this new life, and some days it's just stressful...
I don't want it to seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself or that I'm ungrateful. Because I'm truly not. Some days are just hard. Some days it just gets to me. Some days I just want my old life back. I just want to curl up in Matt's lap and cry.
I don't always want to be the strong person who holds it together. I want to fall apart sometimes, and Matt was the ONE person I could do that with. I could crumble into his arms, and I knew he'd be there to help me pick up the pieces. He was the ONE godly, strong person I had in my life that I could turn to about anything, who was there to listen and who could understand and could lift me back up when I was down.
Then... there's all the holidays coming up, which I kind of just want to skip completely this year. Our annual Huber's trip is today, and I just don't know how I feel about it. A part of me wants to go, but a part of me doesn't, without him. I just don't know.
I'm sorry I can't be the same positive, motivating, optimistic person I used to be all the time. I'll get back to her one day, I promise.
I just got back from Kalamazoo Michigan. A few of Matt's football teammates flew me out there for the homecoming game, where they did a little tribute thing for Matt before the game. I really enjoyed being there and seeing where he played.
But every time there's a high, the crash always follows. The emotions all hit me later.
That's just what things are like these days. You keep the emotions at bay as long as you can, and then they just hit you, and you come home and crash, and let it all out. Lay on your bedroom floor and sob. Just goes to show, don't let someone's "Facebook life" fool you. Behind the happy pictures they post, you don't know what they're really dealing with.
I've felt a little mentally and physically drained the past week. I've just been going, going, going, and it's getting to me. I've been working a lot more, not sleeping as much, not working out, my house is dirty, and I haven't mowed the lawn in I don't know how long. Because when I get home from work, the last thing I wanna do is go pick up a lawn full of dog poop. Then I see things around the house and think about who's going to do upkeep on stuff around the house and cars and things like that? I also feel like I'm a bad dog mom and a bad aunt, because I don't have the physical or mental energy to give right now, and I hate that.
Yeah, maybe some of you will think, well, welcome to the "real world". And yeah, maybe that's true...maybe this is just real life, but it's a life that I'm not used to. Because I used to have someone to share these responsibilities with. I used to have someone to come home and vent to and talk to when I had a rough day. I used to have someone who could always bring a smile to my face no matter what.
I'm still adjusting to this new life, and some days it's just stressful...
I don't want it to seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself or that I'm ungrateful. Because I'm truly not. Some days are just hard. Some days it just gets to me. Some days I just want my old life back. I just want to curl up in Matt's lap and cry.
I don't always want to be the strong person who holds it together. I want to fall apart sometimes, and Matt was the ONE person I could do that with. I could crumble into his arms, and I knew he'd be there to help me pick up the pieces. He was the ONE godly, strong person I had in my life that I could turn to about anything, who was there to listen and who could understand and could lift me back up when I was down.
Then... there's all the holidays coming up, which I kind of just want to skip completely this year. Our annual Huber's trip is today, and I just don't know how I feel about it. A part of me wants to go, but a part of me doesn't, without him. I just don't know.
I'm sorry I can't be the same positive, motivating, optimistic person I used to be all the time. I'll get back to her one day, I promise.
I'm not sick of listening to you vent, at all. You need to get it out. It's not like you are complaining about a paper cut... Your life has been turned upside down. Every time I read something from you, about having a tough day, it reminds me to PRAY for you. So, may God give you the strength to face the normal day to day things that are difficult for you to face, may God help you be able to have a good night's sleep, may God give you wisdom as you navigate things like the holidays without your soul mate. May you feel the peace of Christ holding you right now. Continuing to pray for you each and every day.
ReplyDeleteThank you. The prayers really do help!
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