A New Book

This is so true. 

I don't feel like I'm starting a new chapter in life, I feel like I'm living a whole new life.  I literally feel like I've reverted back to the 18 year old I was before I met Matt, like I'm starting from scratch almost. I'm 34 going on 18, like a kid who's suddenly been thrown into an adult world. And I'm learning that it's kinda scary out there, ya'll. 

I have to say that I'm realizing how sheltered I've been my whole life. My mom did most things for me growing up until I met Matt, and then he took care of me for the last 14 years. Like, he literally did everything for me. He paid off my school loans and helped me buy my car and took care of bills and insurance stuff and even scheduled my dentist appointments! I mean, y'all don't even know. 

 There are a lot of world experiences, I guess you could call them, that I didn't experience. I never lived on my own, I never really dated, or had my heart broken(I mean, at least not anything serious. I of course had those teenage heart breaks). I didn't go out and party or drink. I was the innocent little church girl who didn't do anything "bad", ever. Then I met Matt and pretty much lived in a little bubble with him for 12 years. Now that the bubble has burst and I'm venturing out more,  I'm seeing how much different things are than when I was 18.

But because of Matt and the things I learned from him, I am making it in the world. It's really stressful and hard sometimes, but I'm making it. I'm slowly starting to embrace the independence, the new, confident, strong woman I'm having to become, the new things I'm experiencing... 

I love Matt, and I miss him terribly, and I SO wish I had him to help me in life, to share life with, but ...I don't. I had him for 14 years, and he helped shape me into the person I am today, but he is gone. My old life is gone. And I know he would want to see me thriving and living and enjoying life, and not let my grieving for him hold me down. He would be proud to see me being able continue on and to take care of myself on my own. I wish I had someone to help me with life stuff and responsibilities, but... I don't. I have no other choice but to buck up and do the best I can. And that's what I'm doing. Matt would tell me to keep fighting, to not give up.

 Now is the time for me to focus on me, to figure out who I am on my own and not part of a couple, to do things that maybe I wouldn't have done with Matt. If I can't have my old life back, I might as well have fun(if that's possible?) creating a new one. So I'm getting out there and trying new things and doing what I have to do to find some moments of happiness, however fleeting they may be. I don't know if that's the "right" way to do things, but I'm just going with the flow and doing what I feel is best for me, what is helping me cope and get through this and feel something besides pain and sadness. I'm being more daring and spontaneous, and saying "yes" to things the old Lindsay would have turned down.

At almost 8 months, I'm just beginning to feel like I'm starting to maybe like this new person that's emerging from the ashes. In one way, it's like I've lost myself in all of this, and in another, it's like I'm finding myself. 

See, I didn't have a life outside of Matt. There was no Lindsay without Matt. I grew into my adulthood with him by my side, and I'm so thankful for that. He taught me so much, and brought such JOY to my life. But I guess now it's time to embrace this new person, just me, on my own, doing what I want to do with no reservations and nothing holding me back-not that he did, but you do get into your rituals and routines as a couple, and you sacrifice some things for the ones you love. Life as a couple is just different than when you're on  you're own. So now, now that it's no longer "Lindsay and Matt", I'm discovering a new identity. I've always let my shyness and timidness define me, and sometimes I relied on Matt as a crutch. But not anymore. 

 I'm actually more confident and less shy than I used to be. Maybe just because I'm older, or maybe because I've been forced into situations I never would have been in had Matt not died. Or maybe I'm just realizing that that's really who I've been all along, and I'm only seeing it because I'm no longer in his shadow, I guess you could say(although I'd go back there in a second). I've been forced to speak up and talk in social situations, without Matt there to take the lead. I've been forced out of my shell.  I mean, I'm going out and meeting new people, I did an on camera interview for church, and I call and make my own appointments, what?! That doesn't mean that I'm not sad by any means, or that I don't absolutely hate that this is my life most of the time, but at this point I will take whatever good I can find in all of this heartache.

I loved my life with Matt, and I loved the little bubble we lived in with just the two of us, just two peas in a pod, as happy as could be...but that was my old life, and I can never get that back. I have grieved and mourned that life, but now, I am starting to feel that I am ready to move forward. This experience will always be a part of my story, a part of who I am. It has shaped me and changed me. It's helped me discover than I am stronger and braver than I ever thought I could be. It has helped me relate to people in ways I would have never been able to do before.

I know that the sadness will always be there, the void left by him will always be there, but I will learn how to live with it and not let it keep me down. I will always carry this deep, underlying sadness in my heart, and I will always miss him and what was... but I don't believe that it has to stop me from living or feeling happiness ever again. Will I ever have the same deep joy and contentment that I had with him? I don't know. It's hard to imagine that I could ever feel that way again, but I'm open and hopeful for what is to come. I have to be, because otherwise, I wouldn't be able to make it through the day. But I can only take it one day at a time. And all I know is that right now I can still feel gratitude and appreciation and experience moments of happiness and laughter, and I will take that. I will take it.

I hate that I was forced into this and given this life, but some days it actually feels kind of good to discover this "new version" of myself, to be able to live a new and different life...I don't feel this way every day, but some days...some days... I feel *okay* about it.  And I mean, the thing is, I really have no other choice but to continue on, so I will try my darndest to make the best of it. With God's grace.