Grief Brain

Yes, "grief brain" is a thing, and it's real right now. 

It's been 9 months, and I feel like the brain fog is getting worse, not better. Like, I cannot focus, and I get easily overwhelmed by all the things I need to do and that need to get done around the house, and I can't make decisions for the life of me. 

And I'm so freaking emotional-I cry at the drop of a hat, even in front of people, and I've never done that before! I feel like I barely shed a tear at the funeral, and now the smallest of things can bring me to tears. 

I had a meltdown the other night about freaking LIGHTBULBS that need to be replaced. Not because I can't do it myself, but just because he was the one who did that kind of stuff. And then it was just  a snowball effect from there about everything else that needs to be done that I've just been avoiding....

My friends had to come over yesterday and helped me clean the back deck and organize my pantry, because I just can't. Just can't do it. It's like my brain has tapped out, it and it's like, "I'm done." I just cannot seem to do the things. Well, besides go to the gym and work. My brain just hurts even thinking about the other things I need to get done.

And I hate it, because I feel like the biggest baby and such a weak person. People tell me I'm so "strong"...meanwhile I'm over here crying on the living room floor over light bulbs. I hate admitting I need help, and I hate letting people help me. It just makes me feel like such a burden. I know people have enough on their plates already that they don't need another thing added to it. But I have to just admit that I'm in a phase in my life right now where I just need help. That's all there is to it. And one day, when I'm fully functioning and able, I'll make sure that I help others in need just like people did for me. 

I'm just still processing so much right now. I'm still grieving, still getting used to working more, making decisions on my own, and living a different life. It's a lot. And I'm trying my best.

I follow a page called "Refuge in Grief"  and came across this the other day, which makes me feel not so crazy:

"Memory loss, confusion, an inability to concentrate or focus – these things are all normal inside grief. They do tend to be temporary, but they last a lot longer than you would think.

For a lot of people, it’s a few years before their entire cognitive capacity comes back to any recognizable form. There are losses in that too. Some of those losses are temporary and some of them mean your mind is just different as you move forward. In my own experience, it took nearly 5 years to feel like most of my capacity came back.

The thing to remember is that physiologically, your body has experienced a trauma. Your brain is working hard to make sense of something that can’t ever make sense. All of those mental circuits that used to fire so clearly are trying their best to relate to this entirely changed world.

Your mind is working so hard, there’s very little brain power left over to track more than a paragraph in a book, or remember that your car keys go on the hook, not in the freezer. It’s hard to think in an orderly, concise fashion when you’re reeling from loss.

While I can’t magically fix your mind, I can tell you this: you are not going crazy. Your mind is doing the best it can to keep a bead on reality when reality is crazy. Be patient with yourself. Make a lot of lists. Set reminders. Whatever you need to do.

Remember that this is a normal response to a stressful situation, it’s not a flaw in you. You’re not crazy. You’re grieving. Those are very different things."