Life Lately.

As I begin to write this, I take a deep breath and just sigh....

I do that a lot these days. I don't know what it is. I guess I sigh because I've made it through another moment, I've made it to another day. Because it has been such a long road, but here I am, living. Living a life I never ever thought I could live. 

So I take a deep breath, let it out, and remind myself that right in this moment, I am okay, and that I will be okay.

I haven't written much lately, because I've had a hard time putting my thoughts into words. They are just so all over the place, and sometimes I have so much I want to say that it's overwhelming and hard to focus in order to get them all together into coherent sentences that fully capture how I feel. But I feel the need to vent all these thoughts that have been swirling around in my head lately, so bear with me as I try...

It's been 9 months without him, and it has honestly felt like an eternity. So much has changed. I have changed.

My life with him was so good, so certain. I had my person, I had my rock, I had him, I had his heart, I had his arms to fall into, I had his words of wisdom, I had his comfort and encouragement. I looked to the future and saw him in it, saw us growing old, and knew things always be okay. He was all I wanted, all I needed. He was my security. He was home.

Now... my life is uncertain and scary. I'm scared of falling too hard too fast, scared of falling for the wrong person, scared of making the wrong choices. I don't trust myself anymore. I do feel happy sometimes, but it's never that complete happiness I used to have. It's always tinged with sadness. There are so many contradictory feelings and emotions I have, that I often just have this "unsettled" feeling.

But I am doing okay. For the last couple months, overall, I have been okay. I have had some good times with great friends. I have been getting out and about. I have met new people. I have a job I enjoy. I have not fallen into a depression or despair or into destructive habits. I still live my life with gratitude and hope for the future on most days.
But still. He's not here. He's not here to share those happy moments and good times with me. And it's still weird being alone, not having him to share everything with. There's an emptiness I live with every day.
Yes, I'm getting used to it, getting used to this life without him and a new routine of living on my own. I don't have the major melt downs daily like I used to, but I still cry most days. I have days and even have had weeks at a time where I actually have felt pretty good, but I still have those weird days where I just feel "displaced", is the word that comes to mind. I guess I'm still living in that "in-between" phase...in between what was and what's to come...and this is where I have to just continue taking it day by day, live in the moment....and trust.

Sometimes I just wish there was someone who could understand. When I try to explain to people how it feels, I feel like it just doesn't make any sense. I wish someone could get it, but how could you unless you've lived through it? So in a way, I don't want them to understand. But it's also what makes this journey so hard, so lonely...trying to explain things to people who want to understand but never possibly could.

They see me living on, living life, but they don't see the struggle in my mind. They don't see all the conflicting emotions I process each day. They don't see the random little mini breakdowns I have throughout the day when a certain song or memory pops into my head. They could never understand how I can be okay but not okay at the same time. I don't even understand it myself sometimes...

How I can want to move forward but not want to let go...
How I can be grateful for the memories but sad that he's only a memory now...
How I can sometimes feel excited about a new life but still grieving what once was...
How I can be feeling good one second and then suddenly be sobbing the next...
How I can have happy moments but then feel guilty for feeling happy without him...
How I can be hopeful about the future but still hurt knowing he won't be a part of it...