As I'm approaching the year mark of my husband's death, I thought I'd share just a few of my thoughts about my first year of widowhood.
It gets worse before it gets better. It was extremely hard the first few months after Matt died, but most of the time I felt like I was actually doing okay, all things considered. Definitely better than I thought I would be doing. I was getting up, going to work, going to the gym, eating healthy, and not doing anything destructive or laying in bed all day. Yes, I cried almost every day, but that's normal. That's healthy. Crying is a release.
But over time, I started feeling like I was going backwards.Everyone kept telling me that time heals...but I missed my husband more at the 6-12 month mark than ever. Maybe it was because the dust had settled and that was when the reality of it really started to sink in. 6 months passed, the dreary days of winter came, and then the first holidays without him...and that was hard. Some days I just felt depressed and hopeless. I felt SO alone.
The loneliness...it will be unbearable at times, and this will take you by surprise. I didn't know I would feel so incredibly lonely. No matter how often you go out, no matter how many people you have around you, you will still feel lonely, because you don't have your person. You will think that there's no one out there who understands or cares about how you feel...even if that's not true, it's how you truly feel.
There will be days or weeks at a time where you start to feel okay, even sometimes slightly hopeful about the future... but then there will be times that are just absolutely brutal, times when all you feel is pain, when you really don't care to live, when life seems meaningless and hopeless. I've found that the only way to get through the pain sometimes is to sit in it, to feel it, as awful as it is, and wait it out. Yes, there are things you can do to make life bearable, to live with the pain, but do not feel bad if some days you cry at the drop of a hat, if some days you don't want to live, if some days you just want to lay in bed all day. It's okay. Let yourself feel what you feel. Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time. Don't let anyone tell you what you should be doing or how you should handle your grief.
You will sometimes feel like you've lost yourself. You won't know who you are anymore. You are trying to create a new identity and a figure out how to live this new without your person, and that's hard. You don't know how to do life without them by your side. It's overwhelming at times. Sometimes you will just feel like you're floating through life, or like you're living in an alternate universe. Things just won't feel "right" anymore.
Some days you will feel like a zombie, just putting one foot in front of the other, but not feeling any joy or purpose in anything anymore. Life isn't the same, and it will never be the same again. It's a huge adjustment to go from being a wife, being part of a couple, having a best friend and partner to share life with, to share everything with, to suddenly being alone.
You may make some stupid decisions. Grief does weird things to your brain. Sometimes you will do things that maybe aren't the smartest or best for you... But you're trying to cope, and it happens. You're doing what you can to survive, to feel again. To feel something besides sadness.
Thinking about the future will give you feelings of panic. Because you had your life set, you had your person, you were happy and content...and now your future is uncertain again. And that's scary. You will wonder if you'll be sad and lonely your whole life.
If you were in a great relationship for a long period of time, you will miss the companionship, the feeling of being loved, of having someone there that you shared everything with. You will find yourself with things you want to tell them, but they aren't there to tell anymore. You will want to turn to them for comfort but find that their arms aren't there to hold you...and the reality of that will make your heart physically ache.
And you will miss physical touch. SO badly. A hand to hold, a kiss on the forehead, an arm around your waist, a body to snuggle up to at night...
You will find out who your true friends are, who is there for you and who isn't. You will grow closer to some and drift away from others. Some people won't be able to deal with your pain. At times you will be misunderstood and judged. They don't understand that you are changed and that the old you isn't coming back. You can't let that bring you down. This is a time where it's okay to focus on yourself and not worry about what everyone else thinks. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and do what you need to do to get through the days.
You will worry about people judging you. You will worry about grieving "too long", or think that eventually people will get tired of hearing about your spouse or your missing them, and that will make you want to just close up and put a smile on your face because that's what people want, even though some days you still feel awful. But you know what? Maybe some will judge. Maybe some will think you're not "healing" fast enough, or that you're moving on too fast. But what I've found is that the majority won't. The people who really matter won't. They will love you and stand by you and accept you. They will listen and support you and be there for on your sad days and your good days. And the ones who don't? You don't need them in your life.
You will get stupid comments from people that will annoy the crap out of you and make you want to scream. But...you get used to it and learn to just ignore it. People truly think they are helping and want to "fix" your pain, not realizing that their comments are not helpful at all. You will want to scream, "NO! That doesn't make me feel better!" But instead, you'll just smile and nod.
You will feel guilt. You will feel guilt when you have those first few good days or weeks at a time, when you feel happiness again. And it's strange because you get tired of feeling sad all the time, but then you feel bad when you don't feel sad. You'll also feel guilty when you get those first thoughts about the possibility of maybe even loving again some day...
But, as awful and hard as this is, the loss of a spouse, your whole life being ripped out from under you ... I've also learned that you will make it. You will be okay, even on those days when it doesn't feel like you ever will be. The grief waves will continue to hit you out of nowhere, but they will come farther apart, giving you a chance to breathe, to feel okay, to feel happy again at times.
The grief won't go away, but you will get more used to living with it, with the the constant dull ache and sadness in your heart. But at the same time, you will slowly start experiencing moments of joy and pleasure, without guilt. And when you do, you will appreciate and feel so much more gratitude for those moments than ever before, because there was a time when you never thought you'd feel that way again. It's because you have experienced pain that you will feel so much more deeply.
I don't know what is in store for my future, and that still scares me sometimes. But what I do know is that I've made it here. One day at a time, I've made it here. I miss him SO much. I know that I'll always miss him, but I guess eventually you find a way to live around the grief and the emptiness you feel without them. Some days I do still have that fear that I'm never going to truly be happy again, and I find myself bracing myself for when the next big grief wave is going to come and knock me back down when I do start feeling okay. And then sometimes I'm scared of being happy, because I'm afraid of losing it all again. But... there is light pushing it's way in now, into the cracks of my shattered heart. When I get that scared and anxious feeling, I have to continue reminding myself that I've survived some awful moments up to now, and I will make it through them again when they come.
It gets worse before it gets better. It was extremely hard the first few months after Matt died, but most of the time I felt like I was actually doing okay, all things considered. Definitely better than I thought I would be doing. I was getting up, going to work, going to the gym, eating healthy, and not doing anything destructive or laying in bed all day. Yes, I cried almost every day, but that's normal. That's healthy. Crying is a release.
But over time, I started feeling like I was going backwards.Everyone kept telling me that time heals...but I missed my husband more at the 6-12 month mark than ever. Maybe it was because the dust had settled and that was when the reality of it really started to sink in. 6 months passed, the dreary days of winter came, and then the first holidays without him...and that was hard. Some days I just felt depressed and hopeless. I felt SO alone.
The loneliness...it will be unbearable at times, and this will take you by surprise. I didn't know I would feel so incredibly lonely. No matter how often you go out, no matter how many people you have around you, you will still feel lonely, because you don't have your person. You will think that there's no one out there who understands or cares about how you feel...even if that's not true, it's how you truly feel.
There will be days or weeks at a time where you start to feel okay, even sometimes slightly hopeful about the future... but then there will be times that are just absolutely brutal, times when all you feel is pain, when you really don't care to live, when life seems meaningless and hopeless. I've found that the only way to get through the pain sometimes is to sit in it, to feel it, as awful as it is, and wait it out. Yes, there are things you can do to make life bearable, to live with the pain, but do not feel bad if some days you cry at the drop of a hat, if some days you don't want to live, if some days you just want to lay in bed all day. It's okay. Let yourself feel what you feel. Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time. Don't let anyone tell you what you should be doing or how you should handle your grief.
You will sometimes feel like you've lost yourself. You won't know who you are anymore. You are trying to create a new identity and a figure out how to live this new without your person, and that's hard. You don't know how to do life without them by your side. It's overwhelming at times. Sometimes you will just feel like you're floating through life, or like you're living in an alternate universe. Things just won't feel "right" anymore.
Some days you will feel like a zombie, just putting one foot in front of the other, but not feeling any joy or purpose in anything anymore. Life isn't the same, and it will never be the same again. It's a huge adjustment to go from being a wife, being part of a couple, having a best friend and partner to share life with, to share everything with, to suddenly being alone.
You may make some stupid decisions. Grief does weird things to your brain. Sometimes you will do things that maybe aren't the smartest or best for you... But you're trying to cope, and it happens. You're doing what you can to survive, to feel again. To feel something besides sadness.
Thinking about the future will give you feelings of panic. Because you had your life set, you had your person, you were happy and content...and now your future is uncertain again. And that's scary. You will wonder if you'll be sad and lonely your whole life.
If you were in a great relationship for a long period of time, you will miss the companionship, the feeling of being loved, of having someone there that you shared everything with. You will find yourself with things you want to tell them, but they aren't there to tell anymore. You will want to turn to them for comfort but find that their arms aren't there to hold you...and the reality of that will make your heart physically ache.
And you will miss physical touch. SO badly. A hand to hold, a kiss on the forehead, an arm around your waist, a body to snuggle up to at night...
You will find out who your true friends are, who is there for you and who isn't. You will grow closer to some and drift away from others. Some people won't be able to deal with your pain. At times you will be misunderstood and judged. They don't understand that you are changed and that the old you isn't coming back. You can't let that bring you down. This is a time where it's okay to focus on yourself and not worry about what everyone else thinks. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and do what you need to do to get through the days.
You will worry about people judging you. You will worry about grieving "too long", or think that eventually people will get tired of hearing about your spouse or your missing them, and that will make you want to just close up and put a smile on your face because that's what people want, even though some days you still feel awful. But you know what? Maybe some will judge. Maybe some will think you're not "healing" fast enough, or that you're moving on too fast. But what I've found is that the majority won't. The people who really matter won't. They will love you and stand by you and accept you. They will listen and support you and be there for on your sad days and your good days. And the ones who don't? You don't need them in your life.
You will get stupid comments from people that will annoy the crap out of you and make you want to scream. But...you get used to it and learn to just ignore it. People truly think they are helping and want to "fix" your pain, not realizing that their comments are not helpful at all. You will want to scream, "NO! That doesn't make me feel better!" But instead, you'll just smile and nod.
You will feel guilt. You will feel guilt when you have those first few good days or weeks at a time, when you feel happiness again. And it's strange because you get tired of feeling sad all the time, but then you feel bad when you don't feel sad. You'll also feel guilty when you get those first thoughts about the possibility of maybe even loving again some day...
But, as awful and hard as this is, the loss of a spouse, your whole life being ripped out from under you ... I've also learned that you will make it. You will be okay, even on those days when it doesn't feel like you ever will be. The grief waves will continue to hit you out of nowhere, but they will come farther apart, giving you a chance to breathe, to feel okay, to feel happy again at times.
The grief won't go away, but you will get more used to living with it, with the the constant dull ache and sadness in your heart. But at the same time, you will slowly start experiencing moments of joy and pleasure, without guilt. And when you do, you will appreciate and feel so much more gratitude for those moments than ever before, because there was a time when you never thought you'd feel that way again. It's because you have experienced pain that you will feel so much more deeply.
I don't know what is in store for my future, and that still scares me sometimes. But what I do know is that I've made it here. One day at a time, I've made it here. I miss him SO much. I know that I'll always miss him, but I guess eventually you find a way to live around the grief and the emptiness you feel without them. Some days I do still have that fear that I'm never going to truly be happy again, and I find myself bracing myself for when the next big grief wave is going to come and knock me back down when I do start feeling okay. And then sometimes I'm scared of being happy, because I'm afraid of losing it all again. But... there is light pushing it's way in now, into the cracks of my shattered heart. When I get that scared and anxious feeling, I have to continue reminding myself that I've survived some awful moments up to now, and I will make it through them again when they come.
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