Hi guys!!
So today I thought I would write about a few ways you can help someone who is grieving a loss( specifically the loss of a spouse) whether it has been recent, or years later. Yes, that's right, grieving doesn't stop when the funeral is over, orrrr after the first few weeks... or months....or years. Shocking, right? Most widows will tell you that it actually gets worse AFTER the funeral, when the shock has worn off, when reality sets in, when the stress of this new life on our own just keeps building up. We still need you! We are still not okay.
I know a lot of people want to help but just don't know what to do. I get it. You don't want to do or say the wrong thing, so you end up doing nothing. The best piece of advice I can give you, coming from myself and other widows I know-don't ask us what we need!! Or don't say, "Let me know how I can help." We won't ask. We may not even know what we need at the moment. And I know that for me, I have always felt bad asking someone to help me because I don't want to feel like a burden, so I just didn't ask. But I would have LOVED if someone just came and did something for me.
I've already written a post about things to NOT say to someone who is grieving, but don't take that to mean just don't say anything. Having someone check in, tell me they're thinking of me, or praying for me, especially months and years down the road, means SO much to me still. Grief can be a lonely road, so it's nice to know that people care.
So, here are some ideas of what you can do, coming from not only myself but other widows I've spoken to:
1. Mow the lawn
2. Take out the trash
3. Do laundry
4. Invite out to coffee or dinner-even if we turn it down, keep asking!
5. Walk dog
6. Send gift cards to restaurants or grocery store
7. Drop off food or snacks at door
8. Weed the gardens/landscaping
9. Shovel snow
10. Hang out with the kids, take them places(this was a BIG one for widows with children!)
11. Gift card for a massage
12. Send care packages in the mail
13. Clean house
14. Sit with them and just listen, don't try to cheer them up!
Another thing many widows have said that I definitely agree with is to do these things not just in the first few weeks, but in the following months and years later.
Here are what some widow(ers) from one of the widow groups I'm in had to say when I asked them what people did that helped the most:
"Cleaned my house. Weeded my gardens. Helped me prep the house for winter. Shoveled snow.Anything but frozen meals! God there were too many!Asking me what chores he did around the house and then came and did them. Offered their handyman husbands for when shit broke.Hung out w my kids. Took them for coffee or a “date”."
"Got my kids out of the house, took them to daycare (so I didn’t have to get dressed), mowed the lawn, took out the trash, got grocery gift cards."
"I asked friends: if you are home with nothing to do after 8pm when my children go to sleep and the house is silent and I’m so alone, call and come over with a bottle of wine."
"The handyman stuff around the house was huge for me. I am an independent bitch but some things are just out of my scope. Keeping me company when I confessed to having a bad day. Checking on me and being willing to let me talk and vent and cry. Helping with my son and/or my dogs when I had my hands full."
"Walked with me every weekend so it got me out of the house and were willing to not talk just walk when needed. Sat with me at all school events so I wasn't alone. Made sure I ate when I could barely swallow. Did pottery with me. Made sure my kid was looked after at all school events."
"I had a friend organize someone to stay with me every single night for the first few months. Good thing too, because I was catatonic. I couldn’t drive, cook, clean, take out the trash, anything. My people took care of me."
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