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Dear Diary

It's been 2 and 1/2 years, and I feel like I can't voice my pain anymore. 

No one wants to hear that it still hurts. I feel like it's "allowed" the first year...maybe two...now I just feel like a burden. 

People don't come right out and say it, but I can tell they want me to be "over" it. They see me "moving on". They see me smiling, and it makes them happy. 

So there's no one to tell, on the days when my heart feels like it's breaking all over again. When I want to cry and yell and tell someone it still hurts. 

People don't like to see pain they can't fix.

They don't like to see grief that's not neat and tidy, or grief that doesn't follow a certain path or timeline.

I'm thankful for the days Damon holds me and lets me cry, just like he did this past weekend on my wedding anniversary. But I know it can't be easy for him. There's a part of me that knows I do have to hold back slightly from him, from everyone. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable or hurt him in any way when I have those grief waves hit. I don't want to be too much. I don't want to scare him away.

I feel shame at times for feeling this way. For still having times of depression. But at the same time, I feel shame for moving forward, for making a life without Matt, for sometimes wanting the memories to go away...even though I know that's irrational, that I'm human...that's it's okay to feel this way. 

How do you relearn how to adjust to life without a limb, relearning everything that once came so easily?  How do you learn how to live without a  piece of your soul? 


Comments

  1. Dawn ClarkMarch 20, 2021 at 3:21 PM

    You have nothing to be ashamed of,nor should you feel you shouldn't be sad. Matt was your husband,your partner in life and your friend! You lost three very essential things in one shot and that sucks! If anyone doesn't like you feeling what you feel it's on them not you!

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