You know, I think God really does know what he's doing.
When Matt and I got married, neither of us really wanted or didn't want children. It was something I kept an open mind to, but as the years went on, the desire to have a child never came. Matt never expressed the desire to have one, either, and we just enjoyed our life together as it was. But the weird thing was that while I never felt that urge to have a baby of my own, I remember at certain moments, picturing a future with kids, having holiday celebrations and watching them play sports. I just remember thinking, "well, how is that going to be a thing if I never have the desire to actually get pregnant?"
Fast forward years later...and here I am. Not technically a stepmom, but I have three little kiddos now in my life who I love and care for. Who would've thought? Sometimes it is still all bizarre to me that I'm here now, living this life that is SOOO entirely different from the one I had and thought I would have in the future. I am not gonna lie, it still messes with my head sometimes. It's good and I love those kids, but it is just so different and more stressful. And yes, there are times I miss my "old" life with Matt, but it would also break my heart to not have those kids in my life!
Being in that "stepmom" role is hard, though. I don't want to be overbearing or overstep my boundaries with them. I want them to respect me, but also don't want to be the "evil" stepmom type either. I don't want them to resent or hate me! So far everything has gone well with them from the beginning... and they seem to like me, ha! Landon and Ava(the two youngest) just started playing sports, and we took them to practice last weekend. I had so much fun watching and encouraging them, and I could tell that Landon especially was so happy that I could be there. He kept looking out at the stands for me and would smile and wave. Then he woke up one night a few times in the middle of the night, scared because his oldest brother was at a sleepover, and he was in his room alone. I heard him call out for me, and I went and laid with him until he fell back to sleep.
It's the little things like that, when Liam hugs me before he leaves to go back to his mom's, or Ava asks me to do her makeup or braid her hair, that make me feel like I am doing something right and that they do enjoy having me in their lives. I could never have imagined I would go from no kids to THREE...but so far it has been great. I'm not gonna lie, it is chaotic and stressful and loud when they are at the house, but I really love doing fun things with them and just hope to be a positive influence and offer some stability to their lives.
When I was at the ball fields watching them play, I couldn't help but think back to the images I used to have in my head of just that. Crazy how we can think we know how our lives will play out, but really, we have NO idea what could happen. That's why all we can really do is live in the moment. It's all we have, and I will keep saying that over and over again. Don't take anything for granted!
I know this isn't going to be easy. My stress free days are gone. I just keep praying that God will work something good from this whole thing-I desperately need to see it. I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason", but I do cling to the hope that God DOES work things out for the good of those who love Him, that He can make broken things beautiful and use our stories to bring glory to Him. I'm still struggling and adjusting to this life and to this new person that I am, but I know that in time I'll get there. I have to give myself time to grieve, to heal, to adjust to this new person I am and not get inpatient with myself about being back to "normal"!
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