I Had a Talk With God

 I had a talk with God today, as I've had many times before. 

Today, as I walked, I just told him how I still don't understand, how I still don't get why He would give me something so good just to take it away. Why did it have to happen to me? What good could possibly come from Matt being gone from this earth. Why would He would allow the most loving, kind, generous person to leave this Earth, when he still had so much time left to live out, to reach out and have an impact on other's lives? He was such a good witness for Christ.

I don't question God often, because I know that His ways are higher than mine... but I do have my days. I'm human. But I know that I can come to Him with anything-my hurts, my fears, my anger-anything and everything. He knows my heart anyway. I might as well just tell it to Him straight. 

I wish I was one of those widows who has these encouraging and inspirational words to say about how they've been through has made them stronger,  how they've grown in their faith and as a person. But right now, I can't say that. I don't feel that way. Sometimes bad things just happen and there just is no silver lining, no lesson to learn. This isn't me being pessimistic, it's just a fact. Yes, we can absolutely take what we've been through and use it for good, use it to glorify God. But I don't believe God took my husband to teach me a lesson or to make me a better person or anything like that.

I'm not healed. I don't think I'll ever be healed. I'll never be "over" losing the love of my life.  I'll always think of and remember my "past life", the one where I was happy and content and carefree, the one where I was living out what I had always dreamed of and hoped for. The one that was "easy". It seems so far away now.

I have a good life now, I do. But it's sooo different.  I'm thankful for where I'm at, but I miss that life. I miss my husband. I miss him SO much. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Things do get better with time as they say... not because the grief subsides, but just because you get more used to living with it. 

I still trust and hope in God and know that He is faithful and good, even when I don't see or feel it. I have so much to be thankful for. Things may never end up being "okay" here on this earth, but he never promised us that. He promised that He would be with us through whatever trials we face, to give us strength and hope and peace...not that all of our dreams would come true and that we'd live happily ever after. That would be nice, but that won't happen until Heaven. Until then, we hobble along through this life, finding gratitude in the moments that do bring us joy, in all the simple, small things in life, and praying that God will open up our eyes to see them every day.