Friendships

Hi to the five people who still read blogs! I know this isn't really a popular platform these days, so I write here mostly as a way to just keep record of my thoughts through the years. As I've said before, it's sort of like an online diary for me. 

Friendships have been on my mind lately. I've recently just felt really hurt, confused, left out and excluded. I try to put on this "hard" exterior, like nothing bothers me, but deep down, it really does. 

I've come to realize that I really struggle with friendships. I struggle with wanting friends, with wanting to feel included and part of a group, but at the same time, struggling with the energy and effort it takes to maintain those friendships-with doing all the "right" things to be someone people would want to be friends with. I know that it's me; I know I'm different. I'm not the most social, I'm not the most talkative, I'm not the most emotional. I'm not super funny or witty or loud and outgoing. I struggle with getting out of my own head to focus on others and to keep up with things going on in their lives. 

I struggle with knowing what to say, or what questions to ask. I struggle with making connections and with being myself, thinking I sound stupid or just don't know what to say. I am often super self conscious and socially awkward when I meet people, so I tend to just stay quiet... and then I come off as stand-offish and disinterested. Not really a great first impression. I feel like I'm nice and friendly...I just don't really talk unless spoken to. 

I struggle with being the one to reach out, because I don't want the other person to feel "obligated" to hang out or talk to me if they really don't want to. I struggle with feeling like I just don't fit in, or that people don't like me. It takes me YEARS to feel comfortable around someone and truly feel like I can be myself.

I have this fear of rejection and abandonment for some reason...so it's hard for me to let people in and to be vulnerable. That's why for the most part I tend to just stay to myself. That way, I can't get hurt or rejected. I know it's some kind of defense mechanism, but I don't know why I'm like this! I didn't have anything crazy or traumatic happen in my childhood. I was just always SUPER shy. I've grown out of it a LOT, but it's still there, and I think people who AREN'T shy could never understand it. They don't understand the thought processes that go on inside our brains when we have conversations. It's not just like, talking to someone-we're thinking about our facial expressions and where to look and what to say-it just doesn't come naturally and is very draining. I used to try to explain it to Matt, and he just couldn't get it. He was just a naturally open, friendly, outgoing, NOT shy person who couldn't comprehend what was so hard about just simply having a conversation with someone. 

Now, don't get me wrong, when I am comfortable with someone, or when it's a subject that I'm passionate about, I can talk someone's face off! I think Damon would agree, ha! It's just us introverts/shy people are horrible at small talk and being in a group of people. 

It just hurts to feel unwanted, and that's how I've felt lately... Buuut that's enough of this pity party. I'll be fine, just as I always am. I've learned how to be happy with minimal, if any friends, in my life.