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Thoughts


Sometimes I feel torn...

Torn between being soft and hard. Between not caring and caring too much. Between letting my heart grow cold and numb, or keeping it open and vulnerable. 

Life can break you down. Pain, hurt, loss, rejection, betrayal...it gets to you over time, after your heart has been battered from one thing after another after another.... It can make you doubt, question yourself, question your worth. 

It can take away the joy of life...it can take away your "spark."

IF you don't have hope. IF you don't have something to cling to. IF you don't something that brings you joy outside of your circumstances. IF you don't have a purpose that goes beyond yourself. IF you don't have faith in a creator who made you, who KNOWS you, who LOVES you, who will NEVER leave you, who has a PLAN for you.

When you have that, you can go through some crap in your life, and still make it out okay, without growing numb or cold or bitter or angry. But it's only because of one thing: JESUS.

You can feel deep pain or sorrow AND still have joy and happiness. You can miss and grieve people and/or the past...and STILL have gratitude for what you have RIGHT NOW. It's all about your mindset. I choose not to live life stuck in yesterday. I choose not to worry about what the future will bring. I choose to focus on enjoying what I have right in front of me. But it's a constant renewing of your mind, a constant daily surrendering to God.

BUT also remember: it's also okay to be honest with God about your pain, your hurts, your emotions, your struggles, your worries. You do NOT have to fake it with Him! There are days when I'm like, "Okay, I'm thankful. I truly am. But I'm also sad today, and I'm just gonna let myself  be sad. I'm gonna let myself grieve and feel what I feel." You just can't stay stuck there, day after day after day.  If that's the case, get some help. Truly. Go to a therapist if you need to. Or find a close friend who you can lean on, someone you don't have to "fake it" with. I think the constant faking is what's so hard, what's so exhausting. Never admitting when we're not okay, at least just to one person.

I've come to the realization that I am a crier now. I cry a lot, and I feel deeply, and instead of fighting it now or being frustrated with myself, I'm just gonna feel my feels and cry when I need to, release it, and just go with it. It's part of this new me that I'm adjusting to. It is what it is... and I can still be happy and also cry a lot. :)












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