Still The Same Ol' Me :)

In the last few years, I've often struggled with feeling like I'm not the person I used to be. 

I've talked about it before, how I used to be so calm and even-keeled, so emotionally stable. And now? I feel like just the opposite-emotional, moody, impatient, easily overwhelmed. But the other night as I was journaling about this-how I was so calm and stable before Matt died... and then I realized, well maybe it was partly because my whole LIFE was calm and stable back then! So, I mean...it makes sense, right? 

I've realized that I get too down on myself for getting stressed out, or for losing my patience, or for feeling so emotional and/or irritated at times...aka HUMAN, right?  LOL. But you know what? I've been through some sh*T! My life is a little crazier now. So yeah, maybe it's not that I'm such a different person, it's just that I'm dealing with different things and just finding out more about myself. I'm finding out I like peace and quiet and calm and for things to be controlled...and guess what? My life isn't always like that anymore!

It's not easy going from having a stable life with a husband you thought you would have forever, with no kids, no stress, no worries...to having your life up-ended and then suddenly living a life with 3 kids and co-parenting and a crazy schedule...like, okay, it gets to be a lot sometimes, and I'm not perfect. Rude awakening: Lindsay isn't perfect! Maybe a part of it is my my whole life I've sort of prided myself on being calm and "strong" and not showing emotion and being able to deal with anything that comes my way...and this side of me makes me feel "weak" and annoyed with myself sometimes.

But at the core...I'm still the same person I've always been: the girl who just wants to live a simple, content, happy life.  The girl who loves and depends on Jesus. The girl who doesn't need to keep up with anyone else, or follow trends, or fit in, or have a ton of friends to be happy. The girl who finds joy in the little things-nature and coffee and sunshine and birds chirping and sunsets and fluffy clouds and a pretty vase of flowers on the kitchen counter.

The thing that has changed isn't so much ME but my circumstances. So yeah, do I get stressed more often now and lose my cool sometimes? Yep. Am I more emotional than I used to be? Yep. But that doesn't mean I'm a different person-it just means I'm a human with emotions who has a lot on her plate. I'm not a horrible person. I'm not crazy. I'm not "weak". I want to do better and be better with dealing with all the things, but I know that I also have to give myself GRACE.

Another thing I was thinking about is how in the last few years, I've really tried to get out of my comfort zone and be more "social".  And while it's been good for me in some ways, I also think that one of the reasons I used to have so much peace back then was because I wasn't trying to be someone I'm not. I wasn't trying to be social and extroverted. I truly didn't need to hang out with friends all the time. I was happy with just my husband being my best and only friend. I never felt like something was "wrong" with me until I started trying to be more social and hang out with friends and was expected to(or felt like) I had to be loud and outgoing and talkative...when I'm just not. 

I've always known I was introverted and shy, but I was okay with that, because I knew what made me happy and I loved my life. My husband loved me and accepted me just as I was. I didn't feel the need to be a certain way until I started hanging out with friends/other couples, that I started going back to feeling "different", or feeling like an "outsider", because I didn't act the way they did or talk the way they did. The more I hang out with people, the more I realize how different I am than other people. Because really, it's an extrovert's world...and us introverts are a little different. We're a little more quiet, we're a little more introspective and observant, we take a little longer to get comfortable with people.But...there isn't anything "wrong" with us. 

So yeah...at the end of the day, I'm still me. Maybe with a little more pain, a piece of my heart missing...maybe a little less naive and a little more on guard...but still me.