A New Decade

 Well, y'all...I turned 40 today,

I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling very emotional and contemplative lately...not about getting older or anything like that, I guess just reflecting on life and the last 10 years. Man, I've been through some stuff. I'm definitely not the same person I was entering into my thirties, that's for sure. Life has changed so much...

And even though I am excited about the future and all that's to come, and I'm SO thankful for where I am right now, it's still hard in these moments, feeling like it's another thing Matt is missing out on, or that I'm moving farther away from him. I don't know...it's hard to put into words...but it's got me feeling some kind of way! I'm happy and sad and thankful and anxious and hopeful, all at the same time.

And I guess also just thinking about how Matt didn't get the opportunity to reach his 40s...which is sad, knowing how much life he still had to live. I never want to take a day that I'm alive for granted, or waste my life, when he fought so hard to keep his.

But then again, I guess the older I get, the closer that I am to seeing him again in Eternity...so I just have to keep thinking about how amazing that will be!!!

I don't have any fears about getting older, although there are definitely some things I don't like about it, for sure! The whole gray hair thing, and wrinkles, and chin hairs, and seeing the effects of hours spent in the sun in my teenage years...but besides that, I truly FEEL amazing-I don't feel 40! Whatever 40 is supposed to feel like, ha. I guess I used to think 40 was SO old...and really it's not, at all!

To me, especially after losing someone, growing old is a privelage. Every line and wrinkle and scar just shows a life lived...having good health and being able to move my body is a gift and a blessing that I'm truly so thankful for. I know it can all change in the blink of an eye.

I don't think too far into the future these days, but there are always the few random thoughts that pop up from time to time, just wondering what the future holds for me...if it will it be Damon and me until we're old and gray, with the kids and grandkids, or if I'll I get my heart broken and my world turned upside down again....Or will there be more devastating loss to come? I don't dwell on those "what if" thoughts, though. I know I just have to keep trusting that God will lead me to where I need to be. No matter what happens, good or bad, God will get me through, just like He always has.

With all that being said, I'm excited to begin a new decade and to see what life has in store for me. My goal going into my 40s is just to keep focusing on my health and fitness so that I can continue to feel good and live the fullest, most quality life that I can as I grow older. God willing, I can maintain my strength and athleticism, so that there's nothing I feel I "can't" do-run, hike, do cartwheels, handstands, whatever it may be! I know I sure as heck ain't lettin' myself shrink and slowly wither away, if there's anything I can do about it.

I also just want to continue to appreciate every day, living out God's purpose for me...I want to raise the kids to be the best they can be and to love Jesus with all their hearts...I want to keep working on myself to be a better person-someone who's less triggered, less reactive, less defensive-and more loving, calm, and gracious. I want to be unbothered by drama and conflict, or how others percieve me. I want to live with peace and contentment, to overflow with gratitude, and to keep my eyes on what truly matters...not consumed by the temporary things of the world, or it's version of "success". 

Here's to another 40 years!