Lindsay's Ramblings

I love this so had to share: "I wish you knew.... I wish you knew that when I went through my darkest days of grief, it was harder for me to be with some of those people I loved. Seeing everyone's life stay the same while mine had fallen apart was more than I could handle. I know you love me, so that didn't make sense to you, but it's impossible to explain to those who haven't lived it. I wish you knew how much I love talking about him. Even all these years later, it makes me smile to hear you tell stories and remind me how he impacted your life. Saying his name is one of the most comforting things you can do for our kids and me. I wish you knew how horrifically lonely it all was. In fact, lonely does not even start to explain the way it felt. Even in a room full of people who love you-you feel utterly alone without your person. I wish you knew I was not strong and inspiring and brave...just a survivor. Telling me how strong I was all the time just made m...

Yes, "grief brain" is a thing, and it's real right now.  It's been 9 months, and I feel like the brain fog is getting worse, not better. Like, I cannot focus, and I get easily overwhelmed by all the things I need to do and that need to get done around the house, and I can't make decisions for the life of me.  And I'm so freaking emotional-I cry at the drop of a hat, even in front of people, and I've never done that before! I feel like I barely shed a tear at the funeral, and now the smallest of things can bring me to tears.  I had a meltdown the other night about freaking LIGHTBULBS that need to be replaced. Not because I can't do it myself, but just because he was the one who did that kind of stuff. And then it was just  a snowball effect from there about everything else that needs to be done that I've just been avoiding.... My friends had to come over yesterday and helped me clean the back deck and organize my pantry, because I just can...

As I begin to write this, I take a deep breath and just sigh.... I do that a lot these days. I don't know what it is. I guess I sigh because I've made it through another moment, I've made it to another day. Because it has been such a long road, but here I am, living. Living a life I never ever thought I could live.  So I take a deep breath, let it out, and remind myself that right in this moment, I am okay, and that I will be okay. I haven't written much lately, because I've had a hard time putting my thoughts into words. They are just so all over the place, and sometimes I have so much I want to say that it's overwhelming and hard to focus in order to get them all together into coherent sentences that fully capture how I feel. But I feel the need to vent all these thoughts that have been swirling around in my head lately, so bear with me as I try... It's been 9 months without him, and it has honestly felt like an eternity. So much has changed. I ha...