Lindsay's Ramblings

  “The best way I can describe grief as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket. When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body. Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone, or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain. There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts. Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by its weight, you forget things like your car keys and...

Our preacher at church gave a great sermon last weekend that I really needed to hear. It  wasn't anything that didn't know, but sometimes you just need a reminder! I've been in a funk since the holidays have been over. The gray, dreary, cold weather doesn't help at ALL, and I've just felt tired, unmotivated, and just a little down in the dumps. It's really always been common for me to feel this way during January and February, but having grief on top of the usual feelings and emotions just compounds it now.  But anyway, the sermon last Sunday was about living in light of Heaven. It's a mindset I've always had, but truthfully, the last few years have obviously just been such a struggle that I feel like I've somewhat lost sight of it. I've let myself become consumed and caught up in all the things of this life. But it truly makes SUCH a differece in your mindset and how you live your life when you are living for eternity, not just the temporary thi...

When they say that grief changes but never goes away, it's so true. This whole grief journey is so hard to explain or understand unless you have been through it. And not just grief, but the loss of a spouse specifically, someone whom your WORLD revolved around.  I still miss Matt every day. Not a day has passed in 3 and a half years that I haven't thought about him. But at the same time, I enjoy this life I have, I truly do. It's weird now-as time passes, I just feel more and more distant from him. I feel like if we were to meet today, we would be strangers, that he wouldn't even recognize me. And that is so weird to think about when it comes to the person you were closest to in your life. It's weird sharing that closeness now with someone new. It plays tricks on my mind. I even dream about it often-Matt coming back and be having to tell him that I'm with Damon. I hate those dreams. When I think of the past, it makes me sad, but it feels like that person wasn...

Why? Why do I care so much?  Why do I make sure they brush their teeth at night so that they don't get cavities? Why do I spend my own money to buy them clothes, toys and decorate their rooms, among other things?  Why do I do 5,000 loads of laundry a week to make sure they have clothes to wear to school? Why do I make sure they go to church on Sundays so that they'll be raised to know about Jesus? Why do I try to give them chores and responsibilities so that they will turn out to be decent human beings? Why do I read them a bedtime story at night, even when I'm exhausted? Why do I clean up after them constantly and cook for them and try to always have healthy snacks and food on hand? Why do I go to their sports games and practices, just to feel like the odd man out standing there awkwardly with their bio mom? Why do I give 100% of myself and make so many sacrifices for children I didn't birth? Only to be insulted and told hurtful things? To be made to feel like I'm ...

 I had a talk with God today, as I've had many times before.  Today, as I walked, I just told him how I still don't understand, how I still don't get why He would give me something so good just to take it away. Why did it have to happen to me? What good could possibly come from Matt being gone from this earth. Why would He would allow the most loving, kind, generous person to leave this Earth, when he still had so much time left to live out, to reach out and have an impact on other's lives? He was such a good witness for Christ. I don't question God often, because I know that His ways are higher than mine... but I do have my days. I'm human. But I know that I can come to Him with anything-my hurts, my fears, my anger-anything and everything. He knows my heart anyway. I might as well just tell it to Him straight.  I wish I was one of those widows who has these encouraging and inspirational words to say about how they've been through has made them stronger,  h...

 You know, I think God really does know what he's doing. When Matt and I got married, neither of us really wanted or didn't want children. It was something I kept an open mind to, but as the years went on, the desire to have a child never came. Matt never expressed the desire to have one, either, and we just enjoyed our life together as it was. But the weird thing was that while I never felt that urge to have a baby of my own, I remember at certain moments, picturing a future with kids, having holiday celebrations and watching them play sports. I just remember thinking, "well, how is that going to be a thing if I never have the desire to actually get pregnant?" Fast forward years later...and here I am. Not technically a stepmom, but I have three little kiddos now in my life who I love and care for. Who would've thought? Sometimes it is still all bizarre to me that I'm here now, living this life that is SOOO entirely different from the one I had and thought I w...

People always said That time would heal the pain But how can that be When mine still remains? The tears still fall At just the thought of you So I know that what they say Just can't be true As the years go by I miss you so much still  No matter how much time passes I know I always will How are you not here To ease my hurting heart? Never could I have imagined We would ever be apart My world has been shattered A piece of me is gone And all I can do is pray For strength to live on I know that one day soon I will see you again I just have to try to suffer through And make it until then