Lindsay's Ramblings

  "Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not." -Paulo Coelho Sometimes I feel bitterness and resentment and anger build up in me from things that have happened in the last few years...people who have hurt me, insulted me, abandoned me.... And while I don't want to be naive or walked on or disrespected, I also don't want to be a person full of bitterness and anger. I don't want to be defensive all the time, or someone who gets easily triggered and reactive. I want to be calm and gentle, while also having boundaries, which is a hard balance. I want to be grace-filled and slow to speak and not let my emotions get the best of me. So I have to fight it. I have to pray for God to take it from my heart when I feel the bitterness creep up. I have to pray for healing. I have to let go of certain things. I have to forgive. Because I don't want it to make me into a person that I'm not. I have to remember that at the end of the day we're al

In the last few years, I've often struggled with feeling like I'm not the person I used to be.  I've talked about it before, how I used to be so calm and even-keeled, so emotionally stable. And now? I feel like just the opposite-emotional, moody, impatient, easily overwhelmed. But the other night as I was journaling about this-how I was so calm and stable before Matt died... and then I realized, well maybe it was partly because my whole LIFE was calm and stable back then! So, I mean...it makes sense, right?  I've realized that I get too down on myself for getting stressed out, or for losing my patience, or for feeling so emotional and/or irritated at times...aka HUMAN, right?  LOL. But you know what? I've been through some sh*T! My life is a little crazier now. So yeah, maybe it's not that I'm such a different person, it's just that I'm dealing with different things and just finding out more about myself. I'm finding out I like peace and quiet an

Matt, Sometimes I feel like I have no words left to say...I've said it all-all the words there are to say about you, about my grief, about how missed you are. So I figured that I would just write you a letter and talk to you, like if we were face to face.  It's been 6 years. It's a number I can't comprehend in my mind because I never thought I would survive any number of days or weeks or months without you, much less years. But I have, and it's bizarre...but I know that you would want me to still be loving and living life.  6 years hasn't taken away the pain or the missing you. There's still always an ache in my heart for you, no matter how happy I am.You were my heart and my soul, and death and time and "moving forward" doesn't change that. I still think about you all the time. I still think, "What would Matt think about this?", or, "Matt would like that"...I miss your words of wisdom and being able to talk to you about eve

 Hi my 25 friends! :) Just thought I'd pop in for a random thoughts post.... So lately I have just been feeling down. I usually do kinda get in a "funk" during the winter, but it really hasn't been that bad this year. I feel like it actually went by pretty quickly...but NOW it's March, and I am just OVER it and ready for the warm weather. We've had some teases the last couple weeks, which have been AMAZING...but then it's back to cold or rain and dreariness, and I just NEED that to go away. And I need a beach trip or road trip or something!  Plus, it's me and Matt's wedding anniversary on Thursday....so I know that my body is feeling that, even if I'm not even consciously thinking about it. So that could definitely be a big part of why I've felt down lately. Grief is always there, and Matt always pops in and out of my head, but the grief waves do get worse during certain times or days. 18 years ago, I was in Hawaii right now about to get ma

Everyone wants a quick fix. It's been that way forever, and it will probably always be that way until the end of time. As a trainer for over 15 years, I have seen it with my own eyes. Yes, I have seen people put in the hard work and achieve the results...but, for the most part, what I've seen is that if there is an easier route, people will take it.  Why do you think it's so rare to actually see people who are healthy and fit in the general population? Because it's HARD . When it comes to health and fitness, there is always some new diet or workout routine that promises the "best" and fastest results. There is always some new celebrity endorsed diet or "cleanse" or detox that people flock to. There is always a new weight loss pill or injection to come on the market. There is always a new health "trend"-whether it's ice baths, saunas, cryotherapy, or whatnot.  Anything that will get you the results without the work? Yes, please! We'r

 I have always felt that I was put in Damon's kid's lives for a reason. No matter what happens with Damon and me, even if for some reason we don't work out, I hope and pray that I will have had at least a small impact on the kids. I pray that I can instill  some values into their lives, about character and integrity, humility, and kindness.  I am FAR from perfect and definitely have much to work on with myself, but I truly hope that I can teach them about Jesus and about how as Christ followers, it's okay and often required to be counter-cultural, to not always go along with things because it's "what everyone else is doing." I hope to teach them that it's okay to be different, that's it's okay if they're not one of the "cool kids". I want them to know and be confident in who they are and in WHOSE they are and to be unapologetically themselves. I want them to be less concerened with being "cool" and trying to fit in and m

Sometimes I feel torn... Torn between being soft and hard. Between not caring and caring too much. Between letting my heart grow cold and numb, or keeping it open and vulnerable.  Life can break you down. Pain, hurt, loss, rejection, betrayal...it gets to you over time, after your heart has been battered from one thing after another after another.... It can make you doubt, question yourself, question your worth.  It can take away the joy of life...it can take away your "spark." IF you don't have hope. IF you don't have something to cling to. IF you don't something that brings you joy outside of your circumstances. IF you don't have a purpose that goes beyond yourself. IF you don't have faith in a creator who made you, who KNOWS you, who LOVES you, who will NEVER leave you, who has a PLAN for you. When you have that, you can go through some crap in your life, and still make it out okay, without growing numb or cold or bitter or angry. But it's only beca