Lindsay's Ramblings

I cried on my to work today.  Which really isn't rare, to be honest... 7 years and I feel like I still cry so much and still miss him so much. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know how I'm "supposed" to feel after this long. Should I be missing him less? Thinking about him less? 7 years sounds like such a long time, yet to me it doesn't. Because I still miss him so much. I still feel like my partner is missing. It seems to never go away. Yes, some days are better than others. But there isn't really any long stretch of time where I go without thinking about or missing him.  I don't know what to do with that sometimes. I don't know if I'm "stuck" in my grief, or if it's normal, if this is just how I will feel for the rest of my life. A part of me just doesn't want to FEEL this grief anymore.  But I can't not feel it.  In the beginning, I welcomed it. I let it take over every part of me, whenever it wanted. I cried and I cr...

I've never struggled with self-esteem before...but it's taken a hit since Matt died, for various reasons. And parenting sure will reveal all your flaws and failures as a person! But I've found myself lately stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and self-talk...and it has just gotten worse these last few months.  I've done a lot of self-reflecting and thinking and journalling lately, and my eyes have been opened to some things. When I'm sitting in silence and not distracted/busy(usually when I'm driving), is when the negative thoughts start creeping in and then just continue to spiral... "I'm not good enough" "No one likes me" "I'll never have a friend" "I'm disposable" "No one cares how I feel" "I keep pushing people away" "I'm a failure" I find myself ruminating about past situations, things I should have said or done differently, or interactions with the kids and how I could ...

 Hey there, my 5 blog readers!  Figured I'd write a little life post on here, if nothing but for a life diary update for myself in the future... If you follow me on the socials, then you know we got a puppy back in February! She's a rescue dog-part Australian shepherd and part who knows what lol. She's a cutie, but mannnn, I forgot how hard puppies are! It's been pretty stressful and overwhelming, I'm not gonna lie. It's just a lot more work with having kids to also take care of and a busy schedule! I may have had a few regrets about this decision, but all we can do is roll with it now! She's a good girl...just VERY high energy and VERY vocal! We have a lot of work to do with leash reactivity. But she is a great snuggler! We had about a month off from sports for the summer-it seems like summer break just flew by! But I guess it always does! The kids went to Florida with their mom and then with us again a couple months later. It was a good beach trip, but nex...

  7 years... It's hard to fathom. 7 whole years without a piece of my heart and soul. Something I never imagined I could possibly live through, yet here I am. The time passes...and they say that time heals...but for me, the missing never stops. I think of him still, every day, all the time. I live life, and I experience joy and gratitude...and I have a good life. But it's not the same. I also have a pain and a heaviness that I live with on a daily basis that I'm still getting used to, as someone who was so "light" and joyful and bubbly and carefree their whole life. Some days I still feel like a stranger in my own life, like I'm just going through the motions. Some days I feel that I'll never get over it, that I'll never stop thinking about losing him, that I'll never be 100% okay again... and maybe that's true. Maybe this is my lot in this life-to have met and loved someone so hard that I'll never get over it...that I had a love for someon...

The Stepmom You Don't See by The StepMama Hangout When people talk about stepmoms, they often tell half the story. They might call us "bonus moms" like it’s all rainbows and perfect family dinners. Or worse — they paint us as intruders, villains in someone else’s story. But here’s the truth no one talks about: Being a stepmom is a sacred kind of hard. It’s showing up for moments you weren’t there to build, but still choosing to love fully. It’s carrying the weight of responsibility without the recognition. It’s knowing that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you’ll always be viewed through someone else’s distorted lens — and still choosing kindness over resentment. You have to learn how to love children who didn't ask for you. You have to learn how to support your partner while balancing a family dynamic you didn’t create. You have to weather storms you didn’t cause — and sometimes, you’ll do it in silence, because not everyone will understand the battles you’re f...

How g rief looks these days... always staying busy running, running, running... ...work and kids and sports and fun... In the midst of all the chaos and busyness I can almost forget the grief is there. But there's still just a feeling, a sadness that hits me at times... and I know it's the grief, bubbling at the surface. I push it down, stay distracted... tell myself to think about how great my life is, hoping maybe that will make it go away. But it doesn't. It may be just a fleeting thought, a flashback, a memory... sometimes just a quick pang in my chest there and then gone the next second. There are many good days... and then there are the soul crushing days when you still ask yourself, why? How? How is he really gone? How have I made it this far? Why? Just why? I miss him I need him... my soul hurts from the missing. But I don't want to think about it I want to ignore it, I want to pretend it isn't there push it down... It's in the silence when I feel it mo...

 There are two types of women in the gym: The women who are there to shrink themselves, to be the smallest they can be...the women sweating away on the cardio machines, trying to burn as many calories as possible, punishing themselves for something "bad" they ate, or for eating "too much"...the women who are so scared to touch a weight for fear of gaining muscle, of taking up too much space... the women trying to get rid of the cellulite on their thighs, trying to change themselves because they hate their bodies. Then there are the women who are in the gym not to shrink themselves, but to build themselves UP...the women who aren't scared to get jacked and are PROUD of their muscles...the women who are using food as FUEL to lift heavy and get strong AF...the women who are training because they love themselves, not because they hate themselves...the women who know that lifting weights is an investment in their future, because they know that being strong and having...