Life Lately

I thought it was time to update you guys about how things have been lately.

Matt finally decided to move forward with the radiation treatment, so we started that last week. He'll have 5 total treatments, 2 which were completed last week, and three more this week. We were told that the treatments would not make him better, but could delay further decline. At this point, I just hope it's not too late to give him some sort of quality life. If he's just so tired all the time, is that really living? But I know he wants to keep fighting and do everything he can to live.

His brother flew in from New York for a few days last weekend, so that was nice.

We had a few beautiful days the last couple of weeks, so I finally got some much needed hammock time! I've waited so long for this. I hope Spring is finally here to stay!
We even got Matt out for a ride in the Jeep one day. We weren't sure if we were going to be able to get him in because it's so high, but we did it! That made me happy, and I hope it made him happy, too.

He is still doing his infusion treatments every two weeks. He is pretty much tired ALL the time, and I think he would sleep all day if we let him. He is having a harder time speaking now, so he doesn't talk much. When he does, it's a whisper and hard to understand. We do a lot of hand signals to communicate now. 
It makes me sad, because I miss talking and laughing with him. That is one thing our marriage has been filled with-lots of laughter. So I cherish those moments now when he cracks a joke every now and then or laughs at something I say. 

He's still eating pretty good for the most part but is having some problems with swallowing and coughing now when he eats and drinks. We have to thicken his liquids, and at some point I guess we'll have to go to a soft food diet so that he doesn't aspirate or get pneumonia. He's still always up for pizza and anything involving peanut butter! We went out and got Blizzards from Dairy Queen Saturday evening.

By grace, I'm getting by. Day by day, hour by hour. I'm sad... but I try to focus on the good, I try to be be thankful, even in the middle of my worse nightmare coming true. I try to make him smile. That's what makes my heart happy is when he smiles. Sometimes he just looks so sad, and I wonder what's in his head... or if I even want to know. I see him staring off into space sometimes, and I just wonder, is he sad? Is he scared? Is he mad? He's not really opened up to me much, and I know it's because he's always thinking of other people and not himself. He doesn't want me to worry or burden me. When I ask him if he's doing okay he always just asks how I'm doing. He's always been that way. Always looking out for others.

I hold it together most of the time. It's a crazy roller coaster of emotions. I can be super happy one second and then literally the next second breaking down. Of course, when no one sees, usually in my car...because that's just how I am. The other day I found myself praying, "God give me more time with him, more moments." And I felt like He said to me, "I've given you 14 years of moments." And he has. He has. And I'm thankful. So very thankful for every second. But my greedy heart wants more. I want a lifetime...I thought I would have a lifetime...

"The whole of the life -- even the hard -- is made up of the minute parts, and if I miss the infinitesimals, I miss the whole. These are new language lessons, and I live them out. There is a way to live the big of giving thanks in all things. It is this: to give thanks in this one small thing. The moments will add up."
Ann Voskamp



Comments

  1. Praying for you, sweetheart. I can't imagine or fully understand how your heart feels right now, but I truly pray that you get more moments with him, too, and that he keeps smiling for you xo

    You are so strong. Love you.

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  2. My heart aches for you Lindsay ! I have been following your blog for years but never commented..this post got to me. I will be praying for you both and for you to have many more moments with him.

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