Back To Me...

This is a post I wrote out but never posted a couple of months ago...

"Some days I wonder when I'll ever get back to me-
the happy, optimistic, stress-free me.

Will I ever feel normal again? 

A part of me feels like I should hide this, the pain, the emptiness, the anxiety...because a Christian woman who loves Jesus isn't supposed to feel this way, is she? She's not to supposed to feel this bad, this empty, this lost...right? 

But then I am reminded that I had a piece of my heart and soul ripped away, and that is going to take time to learn to live with. I went through a trauma that has changed my brain.

I have to accept that the old me is gone as well. Maybe some part of her will emerge from the ashes, but for now, she is not who she once was.

Is this depression? The feeling of loneliness, emptiness, always wanting to cry, the exhaustion? 

Or is this just part of grief? Part of having your whole life change drastically and suddenly?

Maybe one day she'll come back. Maybe on…

I Feel These Quotes to my Core

Because sometimes others can put into words how you feel much better than you can yourself...

2019 and Life Lately

With summer ending and a new season beginning, I've found myself reflecting on this past year and all the things I've done. I was in a very low place during the holidays last year and the start of the new year...that 6-8 month mark was probably the worst I've felt in this whole grieving thing. It was winter, which is always awful for me, and it was the first holidays without Matt. I was still grieving hard and was super lonely.

Thanks to my best friend for letting me come crash her date nights and have sleepovers with her and the kids, I got through those months...and then in February, I met my current boyfriend. Things started getting a little better then, having someone to do things with and text with every day. I started looking forward to life again, instead of just going through the motions.

Although I was dreading 2019, with it being a whole new year without my husband, I've actually had a lot of really fun times this year. Yes, it's been a struggle. Yes, it&…

To The Next Man Who Loves Me

Just some thoughts for the next man who loves me....

It will take a very special and strong, confident, patient, and understanding person to be with me.

I know it may be strange, loving someone who also loves another man...and always will love another man. But that's the way it has to be, and you have to accept it.

A part of my heart will always ache for and miss my husband. But that doesn't mean that I can't love you, too. You have to be confident in that. Still loving him doesn't mean that I can't love you.

I will have times when I get emotional or when a grief waves hit me, and I need you to be there for me through it, not get scared or pull away. That's when I need to you to listen and let me cry it out, not try to "fix" me or make it go away. Just hold me and let me feel what I feel.

Things will remind me of him, at random times, and I might space out or get "weird" out of the blue. That's when I need you to just take my hand and wa…

Year Two

I've heard that in some ways year two is harder than the first year. And so far I'm finding that to be true...just in a different way.  Year one is all about surviving. You're pretty much somewhat in a state of shock that whole first year.  Even after months and months have gone by, it still sometimes just doesn't feel real. Your life is on pause for a little while, even though you keep living because you have to. Life feels surreal. Then the one year anniversary made it whole year without your person, when you never thought you could. One day at a time, you survived.  Now you're in the second year, and this is when you realize that you want to start feeling "better", whatever that even means, or if that's even possible. You don't really know how to even do that...but you do know that life must go on and that you don't want to just go through the motions anymore. You know that you're tired of feeling sad and lonely all the time.…

Running From Grief

I'm realizing that you can't run from grief. 
Lately I've been trying to stay busy, trying to do all the things that make me feel somewhat happy, or at least distract me from feeling sad...but it's starting to backfire on me. I read something a while back about grief that said, "the only way through it is through it." And boy, am I finding that to be true the hard way.
In the beginning, I feel like I was doing okay handling the grief. I mean, I felt horrible, but I expected to feel that way. I took 2 months off of work when Matt died. I let myself be sad and mope around and cry. I took walks and listened to sad music and just cried and cried and cried. For almost a year, I pretty much cried every single day. I exercised, walked, journaled, and spent time with friends. I let myself grieve. When I felt a wave of sadness coming on, instead of running from it or trying to distract myself, I let it come and rode it out. I would curl up on the couch and cry for ho…

Life Update and Thoughts on Dating

Gosh, I have so much to write about that I don't even know where to begin.

As much as it scares me, I think it's time to talk about what's going on in my life lately...and what's been going on is that I'm dating someone. There. I said it. I said it.  Bring on the hate and judgement.

Ohhh, life.

Life. is. just. weird. You never know what it's going to bring. If you would have told me a year ago today that I would be dating someone, I would have told you you were crazy. Actually I would have been angry and disgusted at the thought.

But our lives often don't turn out the way we have them planned in our minds. Mine sure didn't. I thought that Matt and I had the rest of our lives before us, that we would grow old together. I never thought about the possibility that there would be an alternate ending than the one I envisioned in my mind. The one of us being 80, still holding hands, still being happy and in love, laughing together and enjoying each other's…