Posts

Goodbyes Are So Hard

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Just when things start looking up...life throws you another curve ball.
Sunday night I had to say goodbye to my sweet fur child... and my heart is broken. Well, what's left of my already broken heart. For 12 years, Asher was the best dog anyone could've ever asked for. Everyone who met him fell in love with him, even people who didn't like dogs! For 12 years, he brought Matt and I so much joy. I've never seen a person love a dog as much as Matt loved Asher. He was SO loved. 
Coming home from work last night was the worst.  It's going to be so strange for a while not being greeted by him when I walk through the door, not hearing his nails on the wood floor, not having his fur floating around and covering every surface. This house isn't going to be a home without Asher in it. 
My brother said it best-it feels like the life has just been sucked out of the house. It still doesn't feel real right now because it all happened so suddenly. The only thing I'm t…

I Did a Thing

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I did a thing!

I've been wanting to get my nose pierced for a while now, and I finally did it! I was at work yesterday, and just thought, what the heck, scheduled an appointment, and went by myself to get it done. And I'm so glad I did. I love it! 

I don't know what it is, but these days I just want to do all the scary/exciting and new things!

Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's me trying to feel some excitement after so many months of feeling pain and sadness, maybe it's just my rebel side coming out, maybe it's just that I want to feel alive again, I don't know. It's hard to explain. But I'm not gonna over analyze and just go with it. Right now I'm just living in the moment!

I've been doing so many things outside of my comfort zone the last few months, proving to myself that I can do things that are scary, and things that I want to do without worrying about what anyone else thinks. And it feels good. It feels good to know I'm a lot braver a…

This Roller Coaster Called Grief

I shared this on the Team Capp page, and thought I'd post here as well:  I write. I write not to get attention, or for pity, or for comments. I write because it helps me, to share my thoughts. I write to to show that we don't always have to pretend that everything is fine and that pain and sadness don't exist. I write to show that we don't always have to put on a smile and act like things are fine and dandy when they're not-we should be able to express pain and heartache, because it's a part of life. I write to help others who are going through the same thing, or similar situations. I write to share my reality, so that maybe others will have a better understanding of what grief is like...because at some point, all of us will face it. I wish I could say things were better now, 7 months after he's been gone. But, I've read that the 6 month, or even sometimes the 1-2 year mark is almost harder than the first few months, and I have found that to be true. S…

Weekends

Weekends...

Oh, they get me every time.

I used to look forward to the weekends, because I got to hang out with Matt for two whole days! I would always plan something fun for us to do, because I liked getting out of the house, even if it was just to go out to eat or to the park or to play putt-putt.

And even if we didn't do anything, just hanging out with him, playing a game at home on the couch, or making dinner at home and watching a movie was something to look forward to.

I miss those weekends with him.

Now...the weekends are full of a bunch of nothing. Just me, alone with my sadness and nothing to distract myself from it, no way to escape it.

I can get through the week days most of the time. I pretty much stay busy non-stop Monday through Friday. I go to the gym, then come home, eat and get ready for work. Then I work all afternoon until 8:00, come home and eat dinner, watch a couple hours of tv and journal, then go to bed around midnight. Even Sundays aren't that bad, beca…

I’m Scared.

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Grief, widowhood, it’s such a roller coaster of emotions. Such a roller coaster. I can literally be having a good day, feeling okay, then bam, 2 hours later I’m emotional and trying to hold back tears. Or some days it’s the opposite. I wake up feeling sad, cry all morning, and then I get better as the day goes on.
I can be good for a week, or even two, maybe. Then suddenly out of nowhere, I’m sucked back in to a grief wave, and it’s brutal. In those waves, I feel depressed and lonely and hopeless and my heart just freaking hurts so bad.
Some days it’s the missing him that kills me, some days it’s the loneliness....
But recently, it’s been a new emotion. I’m scared. Today I’m scared.
I’m scared of feeling this loneliness forever. I’m scared of never having love and joy and happiness in my life again like I did for the last 14 years. I’m scared I’ll never be that carefree, joyful person I used to be. I’m scared I’ll never have someone to be my true self with ever again, that I’ll never …

Midnight Writings....No One There

When you want to tell someone about your day,
But there’s no one there...
When you see something funny and want to share it,
But there’s no one there...
When you want someone to try a new restaurant with,
But there’s no one there...
When you want someone to comfort you when you’re hurting,
But there’s no one there....
When you want to be silly and goofy with someone,
But there’s no one there...
When you just want a shoulder to lay your head on,
But there’s no one there...
When you just want to feel a hand resting on your leg,
But there’s no one there...
When you want to make them their favorite dessert,
But there’s no one there...
When you want someone to sit beside you at the dinner table,
But there’s no one there...
When you want a warm body to snuggle up against at night,
But there’s no one there...
When you need to ask someone for advice,
But there’s no one there...
When you need help with something around the house,
But there’s no one there..
When you just want a hug,
But there’s…

6 months

It's been 6 months, 2 days, 9 hours, 40 minutes since I last kissed his face and said goodbye to the love of my life.

I had a major grief wave hit me Saturday.

It's crazy how you really think you're doing okay, and then suddenly you're not.  You're not okay at all. You feel pain, so much pain, unbearable pain, and you just want it to go away, but it won't. You cry and cry and cry and the tears keep coming. And you look around, only to find that there's no one there. Not one person. No one who can help you or hold you or fix it. Matt could fix everything. But he can't fix this.

I wish I could say I'm doing better than I was last month, but I can't.

I felt worst last this weekend than I've felt in a long time, like since the day Matt died. I felt like I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, because I don't want to feel pain like that ever again. The emptiness. The loneliness. I'm so over it. But I know that I have to suffer thro…