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The First Year of Widowhood

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As I'm approaching the year mark of my husband's death, I thought I'd share just a few of my thoughts about my first year of widowhood.

It gets worse before it gets better. It was extremely hard the first few months after Matt died, but most of the time I felt like I was actually doing okay, all things considered. Definitely better than I thought I would be doing. I was getting up, going to work, going to the gym, eating healthy, and not doing anything destructive or laying in bed all day. Yes, I cried almost every day, but that's normal. That's healthy. Crying is a release.

But over time, I started feeling like I was going backwards.Everyone kept telling me that time heals...but I missed my husband more at the 6-12 month mark than ever. Maybe it was because the dust had settled and that was when the reality of it really started to sink in. 6 months passed, the dreary days of winter came, and then the first holidays without him...and that was hard. Some days I just…

Words of Wisdom

These are a collection of quotes from Matt that I took from his various interviews and Facebook posts through the years. When I read these through after putting them all together in one place, I teared up, because it was like Matt was speaking to me, helping me  get through this.

Thank you, Matt. Thank you being who you were, for being so strong-strong in your faith and for being such an inspiration and example to us all. 

"Being a follower of Jesus does not exempt me from facing extreme difficulties in life, but He does promise me peace during those trials. My strength is not found in myself, but only in the one who has already overcome. John 16:33 says “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

  “You’re not defined by your struggles, you should be defined by how you react in the face of your struggles. It’s more about what you do with your situation, rather than what your situat…

A Widow's Song

'A Widow's Song'  By: Carolyn Moor MWC Founder - Despite what you might think, we are not stuck living in the past because we hang out with other widows.
- We are not in denial that we lost our spouses and yet, have a life to live for today.
- We know we aren't the same person as before anymore.
- We probably do need counseling- among a lot of other things.
- We occasionally make bad judgements. That's how we learn.
- We know we don't fit 'normal' for you (or us) in the world.
- We know you want us to go back to the person we used to be. We wish that too but it's not happening.
- Maybe we are crazy, if crazy means nothing makes sense anymore. Feeling crazy sends me on an emotional roller coaster which includes both laughing and crying in one sentence.
- We are going to talk about them, have their picture around. Forever. 2 years is not a long time in our world.
- We feel like you over step your boundaries with us.
- We can't fix this right now for you or fo…

Real Talk

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I'm close to the 11 month mark, and I would say that in some ways things are better...but every day is still an emotional roller coaster. It feels like I'm living in two different worlds sometimes...the one where I'm pretending everything is fine in my day to day interactions, and then the world inside my brain where there's a war going on.  A war between wanting to move forward, wanting to be happy again, wanting to just be done with the grief...and not wanting to let go, missing my husband so much, and being terrified of forgetting what we had. I'm getting by okay, but everyday really is an emotional battle that no one sees.

The other day I had a pretty bad meltdown after coming home from my visit to see the family in New York. As I laid there on the floor on a pile of Matt's t-shirts crying, I just had this urge to just rip all the pictures of us down from the walls. Because at that moment they just felt like a reminder of all I don't have anymore.

I know …

I Don't Need Advice

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Most people don't talk about grief, and that's why it's so misunderstood...but I'm talking about it. We don't talk about it because we know that if we are truly honest about how we really feel, people will think something is wrong with us or tell us we need therapy or give us advice about how we should be handling things...because that's just what people do. So we keep it inside and push it away and pretend that we're just fine and dandy.

But I'm not afraid to share the reality of what it's like to be a widow. It is frustrating, because as soon as you share your heart and talk about how hard it really is, people's natural reaction is to try to fix you. You get the advice about what to do with your grief and the "Matt wouldn't want you to be sad" comments and the "he's still with you" comments and the comments about finding peace and joy in God. People truly just do not get that we don't want any of that. All we ne…

I Wish You Knew

I love this so had to share:

"I wish you knew....

I wish you knew that when I went through my darkest days of grief, it was harder for me to be with some of those people I loved. Seeing everyone's life stay the same while mine had fallen apart was more than I could handle. I know you love me, so that didn't make sense to you, but it's impossible to explain to those who haven't lived it.

I wish you knew how much I love talking about him. Even all these years later, it makes me smile to hear you tell stories and remind me how he impacted your life. Saying his name is one of the most comforting things you can do for our kids and me.

I wish you knew how horrifically lonely it all was. In fact, lonely does not even start to explain the way it felt. Even in a room full of people who love you-you feel utterly alone without your person.

I wish you knew I was not strong and inspiring and brave...just a survivor. Telling me how strong I was all the time just made me feel li…

Grief Brain

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Yes, "grief brain" is a thing, and it's real right now. 

It's been 9 months, and I feel like the brain fog is getting worse, not better. Like, I cannot focus, and I get easily overwhelmed by all the things I need to do and that need to get done around the house, and I can't make decisions for the life of me. 

And I'm so freaking emotional-I cry at the drop of a hat, even in front of people, and I've never done that before! I feel like I barely shed a tear at the funeral, and now the smallest of things can bring me to tears. 

I had a meltdown the other night about freaking LIGHTBULBS that need to be replaced. Not because I can't do it myself, but just because he was the one who did that kind of stuff. And then it was just  a snowball effect from there about everything else that needs to be done that I've just been avoiding....

My friends had to come over yesterday and helped me clean the back deck and organize my pantry, because I just can't. Just …