6 months

It's been 6 months, 2 days, 9 hours, 40 minutes since I last kissed his face and said goodbye to the love of my life.

I had a major grief wave hit me Saturday.

It's crazy how you really think you're doing okay, and then suddenly you're not.  You're not okay at all. You feel pain, so much pain, unbearable pain, and you just want it to go away, but it won't. You cry and cry and cry and the tears keep coming. And you look around, only to find that there's no one there. Not one person. No one who can help you or hold you or fix it. Matt could fix everything. But he can't fix this.

I wish I could say I'm doing better than I was last month, but I can't.

I felt worst last this weekend than I've felt in a long time, like since the day Matt died. I felt like I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, because I don't want to feel pain like that ever again. The emptiness. The loneliness. I'm so over it. But I know that I have to suffer thro…

Things People Say That Are Not Helpful to Those Grieving

I know people think they are helping when they say these things, but they actually are not helpful. I just cringe when I hear them.

"You're still young"
So being young makes it hurt less somehow? When people say that all it feels like is that they're just dismissing my pain. The thing is, knowing that I may find love again doesn't help right now because I chose HIM-I wanted him, not anyone else. It hurts to think about someone else when all I wanted was him. He was supposed to be my forever. Not someone else. Being young doesn't mean it's any less hard to lose the love of your life, your best friend, your whole world.

"He's always watching over you/he's your guardian angel"
This doesn't bring me comfort, because I don't feel this way. I don't know if it's true or not, but I don't want to make up stories to make myself feel better. Also, the bible says we do NOT become angels in Heaven, so no, he is not my guardian angel…

Missing My Soft Place to Land

Well, 5 months has come and gone. Things are about the same. There are some days where I still feel this nauseous feeling in my stomach, or if it's not that, it's more of a panicky/anxious feeling in my chest. I still feel "weird", but the weirdness I guess is something I'm getting more used to feeling. I'm always going to feel weird when half of my soul is in another place...

The thing that has been the hardest the last couple weeks is not having that person whose arms you could fall into, that one person who you could just let go and let it out and not be strong with. The one person who would just hold you and let you cry it out. The one person you didn't have to put up a front with.

It gets tiring always holding it in, not having that safe place to land, not having someone to comfort you on the hard days, someone to just sit beside you and hold your hand, someone to ask about your day, someone to actually care about the pain you feel inside. I'm no…
The nights are so lonely The days are so dull Without your big smile To make my heart full
The world is so different  Without you here I have all the memories But I still want you near
There's a void in my heart That can never be filled A gaping hole That may never be healed
You were my safe place You were my everything With you by my side Life was so amazing
I try to be happy But this just isn't right

Bah Humbug

Well, the first holiday without him came and went.

Thanksgiving for me was always the "kickoff" to the holiday season. On any other year, my day would have started out by watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade while decorating the Christmas tree. Matt would have gotten all of the Christmas decorations down from where they were stored in the garage. Then I’d bake my pumpkin chocolate chip cookies as Christmas music blared in the background. My heart would be giddy and excited about the upcoming holiday season, my favorite time of the year. Most of the presents would have already been bought and probably wrapped by now. Yup, that's how much I love the holidays and especially Christmas.

This year, instead, my heart is heavy, and it doesn’t feel like celebrating. I don’t feel giddy or excited, and I can’t force myself to be. All I can feel is how wrong this all is, him not being here, how everything is different. All I can feel is his absence. With that being said, that…

Random Thoughts

These are just some thoughts that popped into my head the other night at midnight that I wrote out in my journal, so I thought I'd share.

I'm never going to try to be someone I'm not or feel bad about who I am, or what things I do or don't do, like or don't like. I don't care if I'm considered "weird" or different because of those things. I won't compromise who I am, or my beliefs and values because they're different than the the culture's "norms".

We all have different personalities and likes and dislikes and interests and certain environments we enjoy being in versus others, and that's okay. We should never make someone feel like something is "wrong" with them if they don't like the same things we like, or that they need to get out and "live a little". There's nothing wrong with not going along with the crowd and being like everyone else.

With Matt, I didn't ever have to try to be someone…

Capp Kindness Day

The Capp Kindness Project Monday was amazing!! It made me SO happy seeing all the posts of people doing acts of kindness in Matt's name every time I got on Facebook. My heart was just overflowing.
Here are some of the things I did on Capp Kindness Day:
Taped some goodies to a Redbox machine
Made an Operation Christmas Child box  Taped a gift card to shopping cart  Left some goodies and a gift card for the mail person Made a  donation to brain cancer in memory of Matt  Made blessing bags for the homeless with Katrina Bought a pizza for someone   Paid for the order behind me at the drive-through  Left quarters on gumball machines
And here are just a few pictures of some of the posts from around the country of people doing their acts of kindness:
I have to thank Katrina for coming up with such an amazing way to honor Matt on his birthday. I have to give her the credit-I just helped take it to a larger platform. She surely has a heart of gold(I mean, she gave away her CAR, y'all!)…