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Two Years

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Well, the 2 year anniversary of my husband's passing came and went. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to that day, as I do with days like those. You just never know what to expect or how you will feel...sometimes the anxiety leading up to the day is worse than the actual day. But I felt as I expected I would. I looked at photos and videos and cried. I just felt tired and "off" the first half of the day, but I went in to work and that helped. This is one of the harder days for me, but I made it through.
Matt,
2 years. You've been gone for TWO YEARS. How can that be? How? How are you not here? How am I living life without you?  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, that I don't miss you. I don't talk about it, my grief, or about you, as much anymore...Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like I "shouldn't"...and I hate that. I hate  that I feel like I can't talk about you, that people don't want to hear about it anym…

Honesty

Please keep me in your prayers. I'm still struggling. I'm still in pain. This life is hard. I am not stronger because of this-I am weaker. I know this is not what people want to hear, but it's true. Don't forget us widows. I would not wish this life on anyone.
Grief changes you. Changes your brain. Makes you scared. Makes you not trust yourself. Trying to live this life and make sense of things and figure out how to move forward and be happy again while not forgetting the past...it's just exhausting. 
I want and am ready to move forward and love again. I truly am. I want to be happy again. I've accepted that I'll never again have what Matt and I had. I am okay with that. What we had was special and unique to us. But... I want my fairy tale ending. Is that wrong? Is that possible? Is that just not my destiny? Why was that taken from me? We had something good. It's hard to accept that I may not get the ending that I want, that my love story happened already…

Day 31: How I’m Coping

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Hey! I’m here again with another blog since I actually have time now! So we are on day 31. Well, at least day 31 for me of being unemployed. Things are not going too bad as of now...like I said, this is nothing new for me besides the not being able to stay busy. I’m an introvert, so I don’t need a lot of people and I enjoy my alone time...buuuut this is a little TOO much even for me! I think today I have officially reached the delusional stage. I have been snap chatting videos with funny filters just to entertain myself-ha! I mean, I can be kinda funny sometimes. 😂

So, just  for an example, this is what I did today. ...got up and ate breakfast, then had coffee in my sunroom. I read my devotional during breakfast, and then I just play around on social media while I drink my coffee. My sunroom has been my oasis! Then I usually just waste more time on my phone(don’t judge-it passes the time!). After  a couple of hours, I finally get up and change out of my robe and put my makeup on. I k…

Pandemic Has Nothing On Grief

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Everyone is freaking out right now(and understandably so)...meanwhile I'm over here feeling better than I have in almost 2 years. To me, this is nothing new.
On June 29, 2018, my world was shattered. My heart was ripped out. My anchor was taken away. My routine was knocked outta wack. My future plans gone in the blink of an idea. I have felt anxiety and uncertainty every single day since then. Death doesn't scare me. Uncertainty doesn't scare me anymore. I've been floating in a strange "in between" place almost for 3 years now, and I still don't know where I'll be a year from now, much less 5 or 10 years...
But I’m here right now, and that’s huge, because I truly never thought I could live without Matt. Things are still uncertain and scary, but I’m here. And I’m thankful. Thankful and scared and sad and happy all at the same time.
After Matt died, I would have moments of happiness. Then it would be a day where I felt okay, or a few days at a time. Eventu…

Social Distancing Update

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I'm sooo, sooo happy it's finally Spring and that the temps are getting warmer!! It makes this social distancing thing so much better when I can get outside. January and February are usually the worst months of the year for me, but they actually weren't absolutely horrible this year and went by pretty fast. We didn't have a bad winter at all-I don't even think it snowed once...so that made it even better.
The last few weeks, we have had some really nice weather, and it has been SO good for my soul!
I was in desperate need of some nature and sunshine therapy.

 It was a really nice last weekend, and I spent most of it outside. I even got some tan lines! I really missed my park and neighborhood walks, so I'm enjoying getting those in again. One day last week I went to the park and walked and read a book in the woods, and it was so relaxing!

Since I'm not working right now, I've been watching Damon's kids when he works on Thursdays and Fridays, so that k…

I'm Still Here!

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Hiiii y'all!
It's been a while since I've written a blog, so I thought I'd pop in with some thoughts and a life update. Trust me, I've still  had a lot on my mind to write about, I just felt it was getting repetitive and that after a while people get tired of hearing it. I think that's why so many people after a couple of years stop talking about their grief...so people think they're okay and "over it", when they have NO idea that is SO not the case. Not at all.

Yes, I have a boyfriend, and him and his kids make me happy. But Matt is still on my mind 24/7. I miss him. I don't have the huge meltdowns I used to have where I wanted God to just take me Home, but I still have my moments. Honestly, if I didn't have Damon and his kids, it would probably be a lot worse. I've been spending a lot more time with them lately, since December. The holidays were great. I love hanging with the kids, playing games, throwing football outside, going to t…

Northern Star

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Nothing feels quite right, does it? 
I haven't felt like this in a while, and it hurts to think.

When did this fog set in? 
Where did my lighthouse go? 
What happened to the things I once was so sure  of? 
It feels hollow, and I'm scared that it won't go back, that I'll drift for a while and not ever have anything to return to.

Oh, but I see now, I must look up and see the beauty of that northern star;
the silence of it will not tell me where to go, but the fact that it is where it is, 
will guide me home.

Do we not all have a northern star? 
Do we not all have Christ? 

Who He is, and where He is, is the sign for where we must go;
that is hope in the darkness, in the confusion of it all.
Christ standing with his arms out stretched, showing us our way home, 
showing us our way to Him.

-T.B. Laberge