I Don't Need Advice

Most people don't talk about grief, and that's why it's so misunderstood...but I'm talking about it. We don't talk about it because we know that if we are truly honest about how we really feel, people will think something is wrong with us or tell us we need therapy or give us advice about how we should be handling things...because that's just what people do. So we keep it inside and push it away and pretend that we're just fine and dandy.

But I'm not afraid to share the reality of what it's like to be a widow. It is frustrating, because as soon as you share your heart and talk about how hard it really is, people's natural reaction is to try to fix you. You get the advice about what to do with your grief and the "Matt wouldn't want you to be sad" comments and the "he's still with you" comments and the comments about finding peace and joy in God. People truly just do not get that we don't want any of that. All we ne…

I Wish You Knew

I love this so had to share:

"I wish you knew....

I wish you knew that when I went through my darkest days of grief, it was harder for me to be with some of those people I loved. Seeing everyone's life stay the same while mine had fallen apart was more than I could handle. I know you love me, so that didn't make sense to you, but it's impossible to explain to those who haven't lived it.

I wish you knew how much I love talking about him. Even all these years later, it makes me smile to hear you tell stories and remind me how he impacted your life. Saying his name is one of the most comforting things you can do for our kids and me.

I wish you knew how horrifically lonely it all was. In fact, lonely does not even start to explain the way it felt. Even in a room full of people who love you-you feel utterly alone without your person.

I wish you knew I was not strong and inspiring and brave...just a survivor. Telling me how strong I was all the time just made me feel li…

Grief Brain

Yes, "grief brain" is a thing, and it's real right now. 

It's been 9 months, and I feel like the brain fog is getting worse, not better. Like, I cannot focus, and I get easily overwhelmed by all the things I need to do and that need to get done around the house, and I can't make decisions for the life of me. 

And I'm so freaking emotional-I cry at the drop of a hat, even in front of people, and I've never done that before! I feel like I barely shed a tear at the funeral, and now the smallest of things can bring me to tears. 

I had a meltdown the other night about freaking LIGHTBULBS that need to be replaced. Not because I can't do it myself, but just because he was the one who did that kind of stuff. And then it was just  a snowball effect from there about everything else that needs to be done that I've just been avoiding....

My friends had to come over yesterday and helped me clean the back deck and organize my pantry, because I just can't. Just …

Life Lately.

As I begin to write this, I take a deep breath and just sigh....

I do that a lot these days. I don't know what it is. I guess I sigh because I've made it through another moment, I've made it to another day. Because it has been such a long road, but here I am, living. Living a life I never ever thought I could live. 

So I take a deep breath, let it out, and remind myself that right in this moment, I am okay, and that I will be okay.

I haven't written much lately, because I've had a hard time putting my thoughts into words. They are just so all over the place, and sometimes I have so much I want to say that it's overwhelming and hard to focus in order to get them all together into coherent sentences that fully capture how I feel. But I feel the need to vent all these thoughts that have been swirling around in my head lately, so bear with me as I try...

It's been 9 months without him, and it has honestly felt like an eternity. So much has changed. I have changed.


13 years

13 years ago today, I stood with my toes in the sand, waves crashing in the background, looking into the eyes of the love of my life, ready to say "I do" to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. I never had that dream of a big wedding in a big church with the fancy dress and huge cake and all of that. My only dream was to find a man who would be my best friend, treat me right, make me laugh, uplift and support me, and most importantly, love God with me. So when I found the man who was all of those things, all that mattered to me was spending the rest of my life with him--not finding the perfect dress or the best DJ. So that day I gave my heart to my soul mate in a bikini, with my bare feet in the sand, the sun setting over the ocean behind us… and I wouldn’t have had it any other way

Matt had just been diagnosed with brain cancer a couple of months before, so there were a lot of uncertainties in our lives at that point. But one thing that was certain was our love …

A New Book

This is so true. 
I don't feel like I'm starting a new chapter in life, I feel like I'm living a whole new life.  I literally feel like I've reverted back to the 18 year old I was before I met Matt, like I'm starting from scratch almost. I'm 34 going on 18, like a kid who's suddenly been thrown into an adult world. And I'm learning that it's kinda scary out there, ya'll. 
I have to say that I'm realizing how sheltered I've been my whole life. My mom did most things for me growing up until I met Matt, and then he took care of me for the last 14 years. Like, he literally did everything for me. He paid off my school loans and helped me buy my car and took care of bills and insurance stuff and even scheduled my dentist appointments! I mean, y'all don't even know. 
 There are a lot of world experiences, I guess you could call them, that I didn't experience. I never lived on my own, I never really dated, or had my heart broken(I m…

One Day...

"One day, when you have crossed that mountain of sorrow, you will see the valley before you and the sun will rise. 

In that moment, you will know that you have survived a broken heart. You will be different, you will be someone else completely but you will be alive and well. 

The next step is to learn what it all means, joy, love, life; it’s all waiting for you." 

-T.B. Laberge