Posts

Flourish

Image
2020 is finally over! I had a blast going out for the first time ever on New Year's Eve. I love my friends! I'm not one to wish time away, but this is the first time in a few years that I've actually looked forward to a new year. The past 3 years of my life have been such a whirlwind and a roller coaster of emotions. My concept of time has been so distorted and has made the last few years seem like a whole lifetime ago. From finding out Matt's brain cancer had returned in 2017, to becoming his caretaker, to him passing away in 2018...to 2019 being such a strange year of grieving, dating, trying new things, starting a new job, learning how to live on my own first the first time in my life...my brain has been traumatized and is still processing and adjusting to this new life that still sometimes doesn't seem like my own. For so long, I felt like I was lost at sea, just drifting around wherever the waves took me. I had lost all my sense of stability and certainty when

Widowhood

  “Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation. Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection. Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home . Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you. Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path. Widowhood is second guessing everythi

Ranting

 I get mostly love and support and encouragement and I'm so thankful for that, but there are the few ignorant/nasty people out there whose comments I know shouldn't get to me, but are still like a stab in the gut.  I don't feel the need to defend myself, because I am going to live my life and do what brings me happiness, no matter what anyone thinks... but it's hard not to let those few mean comments get to you. I realize that by putting myself out there, I do open myself to judgement, and that's okay. It's worth it for the people that I am helping by being real and sharing my story. But ya just gotta love when people who haven't been through what you've experienced think they have a say in how you should live your life... like there is some sort of rulebook that widows should follow after losing a spouse to make others comfortable.  I mean, would you like to write a manual on grief? Would you like to tell me how many years I should wait, if ever, to fin

Heavy

Oh, how I miss being light and free. But those days are gone.  My heart is heavier these days. I often feel tired, worn...just heavy, is the only way I can explain it. I feel so much. I think so much. It never used to be this way. My brain is a constant jumble. Will it ever go back to "normal"? I suppose my brain is still adjusting and processing so many different emotions...and it's just tiring. I still almost daily have flashbacks/memories of Matt, my past life, images from when he was sick, regrets...while at the same time trying to embrace this life that I have and be positive and hopeful for the future.  But my heart isn't heavy just for me and my loss and grief. It's so many things...the state of this world ...my friend's and family's wellbeing...the pressure to be a good girlfriend, friend, a good influence, a good Christian...it weighs on me. I know there is so much good in this world, but sometimes it can be overshadowed by the all the bad, by all

Capp Kindness 2020

Image
Hiiii!! Back again with another random post.  So we had some really great weather the last couple weeks, and it was lovely! One day it was even like 80 degrees, and I loved it. But now it offically feels like Fall...womp womp. I guess it had to come eventually.  Just like every single year, I am dreading the weather and hoping it'll be a mild one. I don't know how y'all northerners do it! I could not deal with all that snow and negative degree temperatures. I'm hoping to book a trip for some place in January or February to help get me through. I am in desperate need of a weekend getaway!  So anyways, last week was Capp Kindness day! Every year it makes me so happy to see all the random acts of kindness being done in honor of Matt. And it's really fun to do them myself! This year I left a gift card on a Kroger cart, left some quarters on a vending machine, paid for the person behind me at the drive-through, left a gift for the mail carrier in the mailbox, and made a

Just Think Positive?

Image
I am guilty of being one of those "toxic positivity" people before Matt died. You know," Just fix your mindset and you'll be happy!" "If you're anxious or depressed, you just need to pray and be more thankful!" I realize now that's it's not like that. People don't always CHOOSE to be sad or have anxiety or depression. Yes, sometimes it CAN be a mindset thing, and we should absolutely pray and have gratitude. But that doesn't just "fix" things. When Matt died, people constantly tried to cheer me up, or "fix" me, when I didn't WANT to be fixed. My heart and soul had just been ripped out of my body, and I wanted to be SAD. I NEEDED to be sad, I NEEDED to feel the pain and the grief, as much and as long as I needed to. I wasn't purposely choosing to be sad. After a few months of it, I was over it. I was so tired of being sad, but I couldn't help it. I did things that brought me joy, I tried to focus on t

Life Lately

Image
 Heyyy!!!  It's been a while since I've written, and I don't really have anything serious to blog about today. I was reading through my very first blog posts today, and they were so random, just about my day to day life, and it was kind of fun to read them! I kind of want to do more of those every once in a while. Soooo life lately... Well, I mostly have been working at the salon a lot. I also have a few clients that I train on the side. It has definitely been a big adjustment working as much as I do now, since I barely worked at all before Matt died. But it's been good for me to keep me busy.  Besides work, I go to the gym...and that's about all I have time for! Of course, when we have the kiddos  on the weekends, we try to do fun things with them. We went on a hike a few weeks back, had a Halloween party, and then last weekend went trunk or treating! It's crazy that this is my life now, but I love those kiddos so much!! As I was driving to work today, I was ju