13 years

13 years ago today, I stood with my toes in the sand, waves crashing in the background, looking into the eyes of the love of my life, ready to say "I do" to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.

I never had that dream of a big wedding in a big church with the fancy dress and huge cake and all of that. My only dream was to find a man who would be my best friend, treat me right, make me laugh, uplift and support me, and most importantly, love God with me. So when I found the man who was all of those things, all that mattered to me was spending the rest of my life with him--not finding the perfect dress or the best DJ. So that day I gave my heart to my soul mate in a bikini, with my bare feet in the sand, the sun setting over the ocean behind us… and I wouldn’t have had it any other way

Matt had just been diagnosed with brain cancer a couple of months before, so there were a lot of uncertainties in our lives at that point. But one thing that was certain was our love for each other and that we knew we wanted to share our lives together. My heart had never been so certain of anything in my life.I knew from the moment we met, that there was no other one for me. My soul had found it's missing piece. My heart was his and only his forever. 

I was full of excitement and anticipation that day, so ready to begin a new journey and to share my life with him. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I'd be standing on the beach in Hawaii one day, getting married to a WWE wrestler!

That day was the beginning of the best 12 years of my life. For 12 years, I had a man who loved and adored and cherished me, who wanted nothing more than to make me happy. He truly was my dream come true, my answered prayer. I never took that for granted and thanked God for him every day.

I sometimes hear people complain about marriage or about their husbands, and I just can’t relate to that. I LOVED being married. No, it wasn’t always perfect, but Matt was an amazing husband, and he was what I looked forward to every day. He truly was the sunshine in my days. He made me laugh and smile and gave me affection. He helped clean and cook, and watched my stupid tv shows with me, and went places that I dragged him to on the weekends.

Matt was my world, my rock, my everything. No matter what was going on in life, I had him, and as long as I had him, everything would be okay. All was right in the world when I was in his arms. I miss that feeling. I miss so many things. I miss kissing and hugging him before he left for work, and coming home at night to snuggle on the couch. I miss our weekend pizza and putt-putt dates, Jeep rides, and our walks through the neighborhood with Asher. I miss his constant teasing and making me laugh so hard at him that tears would come to my eyes.

Yes, I wish it could have been for lifetime, as I had envisioned that day as we stood there on the beach. But I was so blessed to have had what we had for any amount of time. Even though it was cut short, I had it, once. I had something many people only dream of.  

I'm so thankful that God brought Matt into my life and that I was the one he chose to give his heart to, of all the women in the world. He blessed me with his love and showed me how much I could love. I didn't realize I could love another human being so much. I don' t know if I could ever truly love someone like that again, so I'm thankful I got to experience that at least once in my lifetime. 

If I had the choice to go back and do it all over again, even knowing what I do now and how our story would end, I would do it all over again. A million times. Forever he is mine, and I am his. I love what Matt posted on Facebook a few years ago:

"11 years ago today, we stood on the beach in Maui encapsulated in a perfect storm of uncertainty and serenity, trepidation and tranquility, Anxiousness yet complete contentment and joy.My cancer diagnosis was still fresh, less than one month old, my career ended just as it was about to take off. Though my health and future from this point going forward was going to be a difficult and unpredictable journey, I felt a calmness and strength knowing that as I held you firmly in my arms, you vowed to be there with me in sickness and in health. I honor and adore you forever, my love."