Pandemic Has Nothing On Grief

Everyone is freaking out right now(and understandably so)...meanwhile I'm over here feeling better than I have in almost 2 years. To me, this is nothing new.

On June 29, 2018, my world was shattered. My heart was ripped out. My anchor was taken away. My routine was knocked outta wack. My future plans gone in the blink of an idea. I have felt anxiety and uncertainty every single day since then. Death doesn't scare me. Uncertainty doesn't scare me anymore. I've been floating in a strange "in between" place almost for 3 years now, and I still don't know where I'll be a year from now, much less 5 or 10 years...

But I’m here right now, and that’s huge, because I truly never thought I could live without Matt. Things are still uncertain and scary, but I’m here. And I’m thankful. Thankful and scared and sad and happy all at the same time.

After Matt died, I would have moments of happiness. Then it would be a day where I felt okay, or a few days at a time. Eventually, weeks would go by of feeling okay. Maybe not happy, but okay. And okay was better than miserable.  Okay was better than wanting to die. 

Then I started actually feeling happy sometimes, just for a few days...and then even weeks at a time. I never thought that was possible. I almost wasn't even consciously aware that I was happy for that amount of time, if that even makes any sense. It was just like  a few weeks went by, and I looked back and realized that I didn't feel sad every single day. Even then, I questioned if it was really happiness or if I was just distracting myself from feeling sad. It definitely was not a linear process, though, that's for sure. 

But right now, I feel like I’m getting back to feeling like “me” again. I'm still uncertain whether I'll ever feel that same happiness I felt with Matt ever again, but you know what?  I'm okay with that now.  I don’t  know where I'll be a year or 5 years from now, and I'm starting to be okay with that now, too.

I don't even know the point of this post or if any of this makes any sense...I'm just all up in my feels today. I guess the point is that by living moment by moment, day by day, not thinking ahead too far, I got here. I am here. I can't even believe it's been almost two years...it feels like a blink...and yet an eternity at the same time. I feel like a different person. And I think that my definition of happiness is different now, too.

I miss Matt so much. Some days more than others. But he’s always in my head. Nowadays I try not to dwell on it too much or think about my old life, because it hurts too much. I just want to live in the moment and be in the here and now, because that’s all I have. I don’t want to dwell on the past, but I also can’t think too far ahead either. One thing I’ve learned in this is how to truly live in the moment. One day at a time has been my motto since the day I found out the tumor had come back. And one day at a time has gotten me here.