Two Years

Well, the 2 year anniversary of my husband's passing came and went. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to that day, as I do with days like those. You just never know what to expect or how you will feel...sometimes the anxiety leading up to the day is worse than the actual day. But I felt as I expected I would. I looked at photos and videos and cried. I just felt tired and "off" the first half of the day, but I went in to work and that helped. This is one of the harder days for me, but I made it through.

Matt,

2 years. You've been gone for TWO YEARS. How can that be? How? How are you not here? How am I living life without you? 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, that I don't miss you. I don't talk about it, my grief, or about you, as much anymore...Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like I "shouldn't"...and I hate that. I hate  that I feel like I can't talk about you, that people don't want to hear about it anymore-not really you, I guess, but the grief. So I keep it inside. That's what we do. I don't cry as much these days, but when the tears come, I keep them to myself. 

I still miss you and love you so much. Sometimes I wonder if God can let you hear me for a second, just to tell you I love you. To let you know that I still love you just as much as I always have and that I always will.

I never thought I would survive a week without you, much less 2 years.  I've been living and enjoying life, and I know that would make you happy. I sometimes wonder if you would be disappointed or proud of me...probably a little of both. I'm just trying my best to continue living life because I have to, and because I really do want to be back to my normal self-the one who was always positive and and happy. But you were a HUGE reason for my happiness. 

I know I may never fully get back to that person I was with the sadness I will always carry in my heart, but I hope to one day at least just have peace and contentment again. I'm living a totally different life now and while sometimes it is still strange to me, it's also really good sometimes, too. I just have to remember that it will take a while to get used to living life without you. It's been a long, slow process of moving forward and letting go of the past, of our life together, while still wanting to remember you and keep your memory alive at the same time.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, thank you for loving me so much, for showing me what true love is. Thank you for being a light in this world. Thank you for giving me 14 amazing  years filled with love, laughter, and adventure. I can't wait to see your smiling face again some day. I love you x infinity.