Random Thoughts

Hey guys! 

I just thought I'd drop in with a life update. So I know I posted a while back about my boyfriend and me breaking up. There was just a lot going on at the time, and both of us needed to take a step back. But we've worked through things and are back together now. We're committed to moving forward and doing life together...which I will admit, still terrifies me. 

A relationship is definitely a lot different now than it was with Matt... there are kids, hectic schedules, exes, past issues, etc...so it can be hard at times, I'm not gonna lie. But I am happy and feel good about my life right now, although sometimes it still feels like I'm living someone else's life... 

With that being said, I still wouldn't say I'm "healed".  Something happened to my brain when I went through Matt's cancer and then his death, and I don't think I'll ever be the same. I'm still realizing the trauma of what I went through and seeing the effects of it now in my life and relationship. Although I am ready to move forward, and I want to start a new chapter, and I can see a life with my boyfriend, I am scared. I am scared of getting too comfortable and then losing it all again. I am scared of going through a grieving process all over again. I still have that part of my brain that thinks I'd just be better off just getting used to being alone and staying that way forever rather than having to start all over again if things don't work out.

 I don't know if I'll always feel like this or if it will get better in time....I just have to keep reminding myself to live in the moment and keep taking things day by day. One thing I've learned is that the future isn't certain or promised, so that's really all we can do. Worrying about what can happen in the future only takes away from living life to the fullest and being thankful for what we have NOW. 

I also still have the phases I go through of feeling down and/or anxious about things, where I my mind overthinks everything and I question my decisions. Sometimes I just miss when my life was stable and certain, and I didn't question anything. I had Matt to solve every problem and "fix" me when I was feeling down or anxious about something. I miss that feeling of stability that I had with Matt. But I know that God has to be that stability for me, because the fact is that everything can change in life but Him...He truly is the only thing that will always be constant.

There are times when I just want to cry even though I don't really feel sad, or having those missing Matt moments...I just feel like I need to cry. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way when  I'm with someone new, even though I know that it's okay., that sometimes life is just a LOT, and my brain is a LOT.... I just don't want my fears or my anxiety to ruin this relationship. I don't want him to think I'm not happy with him or make him feel like he's not enough. But I know I'm going to have these feelings of sadness, and the random grief waves will always be a part of my life. Sometimes I think I'm just "too much" for someone, although Damon has never made me feel that way and has always been there to listen and comfort me when I need to talk about it. 

And then I still do have guilt even talking about being in a new relationship... I think I will always feel some sort of guilt, even if I know it's not rational. But it's hard, y'all. It's something I would never wish upon anything. Last night I even had all these weird dreams about Matt and Asher and Damon, like my past life and current life all intertwined...it's just so weird, and it's not the first time I've had dreams like that.

Anyways, I read a post the other day that really resonated with me: 

"Let me say this loudly for the folks in the back: There is no new love, relationship or person that makes widowed people forget they loved and lost. There aren’t enough first dates to wipe away memories tucked in the recesses of our hearts. There isn’t enough passion to erase the happiest of days that existed with a late spouse. There isn’t enough of anything to wipe away a slate filled with holidays, parenting, vacations, and unfulfilled plans for the future.

Though my heart has expanded to let in more love, it never truly healed in the sense that I no longer miss my late spouse. There’s still a sore spot that exists 8+ years later. A place that aches a bit hearing his name, recalling a treasured moment, or seeing his favorite sports team.

My past is just as much a part of me as is my present. I can love my new partner with every fiber of my being while simultaneously missing my late spouse. I shouldn’t be asked to choose one or the other. No widow(er) should. Being happily involved in a new relationship doesn’t mean there aren’t days when you feel overwhelmed by your grief. Where you wish you didn’t carry the weight of widowhood. Where you cry in the shower because you miss his voice. Where you hurt for your children’s loss. Where you long for one last chance to say goodbye…

For those who don’t understand these conflicting emotions, I pray you never do.

I do want you to know, however, that the tears shed for a late spouse aren’t an indicator of our current level of happiness. The intensity of a grief wave isn’t a yardstick measuring the depth of our love for a new partner. The sadness that may wash over us during important milestones doesn’t reflect an inability to move forward."