Skip to main content

Thoughts & Fun at Huber's

 Oh my gosh, you all. I have been in a FUNK lately. I don't know if it's a grief wave, depression, anxiety...these days it's hard to know what's what. I go to sleep at night with my mind spinning...I've felt down and sad for no reason(well, besides my husband being dead)...and I just miss Matt so freaking much. I miss my old life, even while there are things I love about my new one. I just miss my brain being at ease. I miss not having to stress about things because Matt took care of everything. I miss feeling stable. Basically, I miss life being easy. And yes, I guess I should be thankful that I had Matt and that he made life so happy and easy for me. I know I was probably lucky in that I didn't have a lot of the worries and stress most people do. And when there was anything that needed to be done or anything to stress about, Matt took care of it. So it's just so different now.

My life


And I've felt really  alone lately. I mean, I have friends that I hang out with more than I ever did before. I have Damon...But you know, they just can't possibly "get" me. And since it's been 2+ years I do get the sense that people don't want to hear that I'm sad anymore. They are tired of hearing it. I feel like a burden sometimes... They don't get that it's not just missing Matt but how EVERYTHING has changed and how much my brain has changed. I don't even always understand it myself. I want SO bad to get back to myself, but maybe this is the new me. Maybe I just need to give myself patience and know that I am going to have these waves of grief and sadness for the rest of my life. It's just exhausting sometimes. I just want my mind to be at rest. Maybe one day....

Until then, I just gotta keep trucking on. Put a smile on my face. Keep it inside. So you cry in the car...always crying in the car... I should be used to it by now. I don't want people to have pity on me, but at the same time it sucks feeling like you have no one to talk to about it...and the only one who could always make things better isn't here anymore.


But I'm still hoping, trusting, believing. I'm thankful that I've come this far. I'm proud of all that I've been through and what I've overcome! 

In other news...it was a BEAUTIFUL weekend in Kentucky! I am sad to see Summer end, but I do LOVE this weather with the cooler, crisper air. We had a firepit night Friday and Celeste came over to stay the night. Saturday we went to Huber's with all the kids, and it was just the perfect day for it!












It's been better the last couple days...maybe just because I've been super busy with the kids. But you know what, I've got one life to live, and I won't spend it being miserable! I know I'll have my bad days/weeks ...so I just have to enjoy the good times.


Comments

  1. FlorenceJune 5, 2021 at 1:57 PM


    I started on COPD Herbal treatment from Ultimate Health Home, the treatment worked incredibly for my lungs condition. I used the herbal treatment for almost 4 months, it reversed my COPD. My severe shortness of breath, dry cough, chest tightness gradually disappeared. Reach Ultimate Health Home via their website www.ultimatelifeclinic.com . I can breath much better and It feels comfortable!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

People always said That time would heal the pain But how can that be When mine still remains? The tears still fall At just the thought of you So I know that what they say Just can't be true As the years go by I miss you so much still  No matter how much time passes I know I always will How are you not here To ease my hurting heart? Never could I have imagined We would ever be apart My world has been shattered A piece of me is gone And all I can do is pray For strength to live on I know that one day soon I will see you again I just have to try to suffer through And make it until then
5 comments
Read more

Putting My Heart Out There

Hey guys. Here's where we're at right now: Matt finished his radiation treatments last week. Did they help? I don't know. He's sleeping a lot more. Having trouble chewing and swallowing. Not eating much. Not talking much, at least not in full sentences. It's just been a slow, steady decline for the last few months. I think it was really too late for radiation....But who knows, maybe it is delaying things. We went in last Tuesday for his infusion and talked with his neuro-oncologist about everything that we've been seeing with Matt, and he decided that we're at the point now where we should discontinue treatments...I feel like it's the right decision, even though it breaks my heart knowing that there is nothing else we can do. But I feel like we've done everything. All the supplements, the diet, the chemo, the radiation... Matt has fought hard. He never gave up hope. He kept the faith. He never complained through any of this. Not once did I hea...
238 comments
Read more

Why?

Why? Why do I care so much?  Why do I make sure they brush their teeth at night so that they don't get cavities? Why do I spend my own money to buy them clothes, toys and decorate their rooms, among other things?  Why do I do 5,000 loads of laundry a week to make sure they have clothes to wear to school? Why do I make sure they go to church on Sundays so that they'll be raised to know about Jesus? Why do I try to give them chores and responsibilities so that they will turn out to be decent human beings? Why do I read them a bedtime story at night, even when I'm exhausted? Why do I clean up after them constantly and cook for them and try to always have healthy snacks and food on hand? Why do I go to their sports games and practices, just to feel like the odd man out standing there awkwardly with their bio mom? Why do I give 100% of myself and make so many sacrifices for children I didn't birth? Only to be insulted and told hurtful things? To be made to feel like I'm ...
5 comments
Read more