Skip to main content

Old & New

 Since Matt died 4 years ago, my life has been divided into the before and the after, into my "old" life and my "new" life.

I loved my life then.
I love my life now.
Because I choose to.

Do I miss things about my old life? Absolutely. But I'm grateful for what I have now, and I choose to embrace the life God has given me.

There are so many things I miss about my old life, but there are things I love even more about my "new" life.

Matt and I had no children. We had our little routine, just us, in our happy little bubble together. The house was peaceful and quiet alllll the time. Evenings were spent snuggled on the couch, weekends were date nights, hikes, and Jeep rides with Asher. I loved everything about it and would have changed NOTHING. 

This new life...is far from peaceful and quiet. 🤣 I now have 3 kids under my care with my boyfriend 50% of the time. It's loud and chaotic and BUSY. It's running all over the place to get to practices and games. It's kid movies, game nights, and brushing teeth, and bedtime stories, and making snacks. Always making snacks lol.

Whereas Matt and I were homebodies who just stuck to ourselves and didn't ever hang out with other friends or couples, and usually went out to the same restaurants (usually pizza!) over and over again, Damon and I are always trying new restaurants and hanging with friends. Never did I ever think that this would be my life!

I'll say it a million times-the only certainty in life is change. Life wasn't ever promised to be fair. I could forever wallow in my misery and continue to ask, "Why me?" Or I can choose to embrace the path I've been given and try my best to make the best of it. 

There are times when the guilt creeps back in...when I feel guilty for living this life and having all that I have...and enjoying it with someone else. It just doesn't seem right, because Matt was supposed to be it, my first and my last. I hate it.... but I also know I can't do anything about it and that continuing to be miserable and not enjoy life won't bring him back to me or change anything. My life didn't stop when his did...I had to keep living on. And I'm just truly thankful to be where I am now

Comments

  1. AnonymousOctober 27, 2023 at 2:18 AM

    This is so true. Your life doesn't stop because the person you loved is no longer here. You pick up the pieces, and keep living & and if God allows, hopefully find someone else to love. You fulfilled your vows, "Till death do you part." That love will always be special.
    Thank You

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

People always said That time would heal the pain But how can that be When mine still remains? The tears still fall At just the thought of you So I know that what they say Just can't be true As the years go by I miss you so much still  No matter how much time passes I know I always will How are you not here To ease my hurting heart? Never could I have imagined We would ever be apart My world has been shattered A piece of me is gone And all I can do is pray For strength to live on I know that one day soon I will see you again I just have to try to suffer through And make it until then
4 comments
Read more

Putting My Heart Out There

Hey guys. Here's where we're at right now: Matt finished his radiation treatments last week. Did they help? I don't know. He's sleeping a lot more. Having trouble chewing and swallowing. Not eating much. Not talking much, at least not in full sentences. It's just been a slow, steady decline for the last few months. I think it was really too late for radiation....But who knows, maybe it is delaying things. We went in last Tuesday for his infusion and talked with his neuro-oncologist about everything that we've been seeing with Matt, and he decided that we're at the point now where we should discontinue treatments...I feel like it's the right decision, even though it breaks my heart knowing that there is nothing else we can do. But I feel like we've done everything. All the supplements, the diet, the chemo, the radiation... Matt has fought hard. He never gave up hope. He kept the faith. He never complained through any of this. Not once did I hea
227 comments
Read more

Why?

Why? Why do I care so much?  Why do I make sure they brush their teeth at night so that they don't get cavities? Why do I spend my own money to buy them clothes, toys and decorate their rooms, among other things?  Why do I do 5,000 loads of laundry a week to make sure they have clothes to wear to school? Why do I make sure they go to church on Sundays so that they'll be raised to know about Jesus? Why do I try to give them chores and responsibilities so that they will turn out to be decent human beings? Why do I read them a bedtime story at night, even when I'm exhausted? Why do I clean up after them constantly and cook for them and try to always have healthy snacks and food on hand? Why do I go to their sports games and practices, just to feel like the odd man out standing there awkwardly with their bio mom? Why do I give 100% of myself and make so many sacrifices for children I didn't birth? Only to be insulted and told hurtful things? To be made to feel like I'm
5 comments
Read more