A Weird Role

Step parenting can be very fulfilling...but I'm not gonna lie, it can also be a very confusing and emotional role.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't care about the kids so much or treat them like they're my own...but how can I not when I've had them in my life for over 6 years now? 

How can I not when I've done so much and sacrificed so much for them for the last 6 years? 

How can I not when I've devoted all of myself to them-to their lives, their schedules, their well-being...  when my life basically revolves around them? 

It's hard knowing that you've done so much and still feel like you don't know your "place", or you wonder if they even like you, if you're doing things "right", or if they just tolerate you because they have to...

It's hard sometimes feeling like you should pull back, because you're not the biological parent, even though you do ALL the same things (if not more at times) as a "real" parent...

It's hard when you care about them so much...when you worry about them...when you want the best for them in all areas of their lives...but then wonder if you shouldn't care so much.

I know I've made mistakes, as all parents do, and I'm extremely hard on myself...but I also feel that "stepmoms" are held to a different standard than biological parents. We're supposed to love and care for and do alll the things and have a good relationship with the kids...but then pull back or stay quiet when it comes to certain things or not be "overbearing". 

We're supposed to not express any emotion or frustration or admit to being/feeling overwhelmed at times...even though "real" moms can. It's a weird place to be in, not really understanding your role or purpose in your own household. 

There is also a sort of grief there as well, knowing that I'll never experience what it's like to have children of my own and be able to run my household the way that I want without feeling like I'm being critiqued or judged or just tolerated, without every word or action being misconstrued or exaggerated...

It's hard to feel like you can't truly "parent" the way you want to, or would if they were your kids...even though you're expected to do everything else for them-drive them around, cook for them, clean up after them, make lunches and snacks, show up for every game-just like a "real" parent. 

All I know is that I've truly tried my hardest to do and be the best I can for them. And I love it. I love watching them grow up, watching them play sports, being there for them when they need advice about something. Yes, the schedule with three kids can be overwhelming at times. It can be crazy and chaotic. It can drain you, mentally, emotionally, and physically. But I'm here for it. 

Sometimes though I can't help but wonder, "Is this even worth it? Is all of this seen or appreciated? Am I even valued here?"

And maybe sometimes I AM too much...but it's only because I care so much. Maybe too much.

This role is tough. But I'm learning and growing and working on my flaws and triggers. I know I have to work on prioritizing myself and who I am as a person, beyond the kids. Maybe that is what I've been lacking recently. Yes, this role is important, but it's not all that I am. Maybe it's okay to pull back at times, take a backseat and take care of myself...so that I don't lose myself.