Thoughts

So I don't know what it is about Mondays, but it seems that I get emotional/kind of depressed every Monday! I mean, yesterday I was just thinking about things and worrying about things...and just didn't feel myself. I'm not usually a worrier, but I go through phases when I feel anxiety over really nothing at all.

There have been a lot of things going on with our church, which I've been thinking about for the past couple of weeks. Our pastor was "dismissed", and it's just been really, really upsetting. I feel betrayed and disappointed, but I also feel sad and mad at the same time! I'm mad at him for what he did, and sad that the church has "failed" just like everyone wanted it to. I looked up to our pastor and trusted him, and now that trust is gone, and it really makes it hard to be able to trust anyone now. I've never been through something like this before, so it's been on my mind a lot.

But ultimately, all I can do is trust in God. He has a plan, even though it may not always make sense to me. I do know that this is definitely making me stronger, and I've learned a lot from it. It's brought me closer to God. I've had to really reach out to Him for peace and hope in dealing with this, because I've really been sad over this whole thing.

And for the past few months, I've really been feeling that God wants more from me. I feel like I'm just not doing enough for Him, and it's been in the back of my mind for a while now. I read the bible regularly, I tithe, I sponsor a child, but I just feel that it's not enough. I should be doing more; I should be giving Him more of me. I'm too focused on my life and my interests than on God. I don't spend time in prayer with Him because, honestly, I get bored praying and feel like I'm just always saying the same things. Yesterday I just kept thinking, maybe I'm just a fan of Jesus, and not a true follower. I feel like God is wanting more of me....

Then I worry about my brother a lot. It's just so sad to me the circumstances that he's been through that have made him the way he is...He told me the other day that he just doesn't care about a lot of things. And he doesn't believe in God. It all started when my dad died-Jesse gave up any belief in God that he had because He didn't heal dad. I remember Jesse asking me when Dad was in the hospital, "Why won't God just heal him?" He was so young, and it really shaped who he is now, and it's really not his fault. Everything changed for the bad when Dad died...things would've been so much different if he was alive....It just makes me really sad.

But anyway, I'm better today! :) I just wanted to get out some of the things that were going through my mind yesterday. All I can do now is draw closer to God and totally put my trust in Him. Man will always let us down. We can never put anyone on a pedastal...even pastors are only human and can and WILL mess up.

Maybe this is God's way of testing me with this whole situation going on with the church. It's been a very hard thing to go through, but I know that God has a purpose for everything, even this. I trust in Him, and I know that He won't ever let me down.