Skinny Fat?

I'm usually the positive and uplifting one...but... last night I had a little pity party for myself. Actually, I had a slight meltdown. Okay, so I know it was partly due to the fact that I am a little extra emotional right now with that lovely time of the month being right around the corner...but still.

Well, it all started with me having my husband take some progress pictures of me.  Now, usually when I take pictures like that I will flex and pose so that I make myself look better than I actually do. ;) But this time I wanted some pictures of me just standing there relaxed in my shorts and sports bra. Talk about unflattering. Gross.

So I was looking through the pictures last night and was just completely disgusted with how I looked. I went to Matt and said, "I'm skinny fat!" (I know I have muscle, but looking skinny fat is my worst fear-being soft and scrawny with no muscle.)Of course, he laughed, and didn't realize that I was completely serious.

So then my mind was flooded with all kinds of negative thoughts.  I work so hard just to look like I don't have any muscle....I hate my proportions-wide shoulders and lats, thick waist, no hips, chicken legs....I look like an upside down triangle.   I hate it....What if I just can't get any bigger? I've reached my genetic limit?  This is all I'll ever have? This is as good as it will get? Looking like a fitness model is just not in my cards. I don't have the body type. I'll always be puny. My legs will never grow. I look stupid. I genuinely felt all these things last night. Talk about being negative!!

I know I always say not to focus on your looks...and CrossFit brought me away from that. But when I stopped doing CrossFit, it all came back. The constant striving for perfection. Comparing myself to others, thinking I could never look like that. I'm not lean enough, I'm not big enough....it never ends...

So anyway, I just wanted to vent and be open here. Just know that everyone gets down on themselves at times. Even the person who everyone thinks is perfect and wants to look like... has insecurities.

Just for the record, I feel much better this morning! :)

Comments

  1. I loved this post! Not because you were absolutely miserable & upset, but because you made me feel normal! Thanks for sharing that you have the same thoughts & criticisms at times that I do! This lifestyle is NOT easy, so we have to build each other up. You look amazing, and are an inspiration, so I'm glad you are feeling better this morning. If it helps....when I was at my competition weight (for bikini class) I told my hubby that I looked like a "pot-bellied twig!" Skinny arms & legs, but still more belly than I wanted. UGH! Like I said, this sport is NOT EASY!!!
    Oh, & HAPPY BIRHTDAY!

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  2. It is definitely tough to strive for the look I'm going for...sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get there. Thanks so much for the encouragment! :)

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  3. I agree with the first commentor ...its nice to see this. Not because you were unhappy, but because its nice to know that everyone goes through this! I think we are really our own worst enemies....I think my new years resolution should be to "become my own best friend" :) keep it up girl! You're beautiful-inside and out :)

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