Lindsay's Ramblings

One year ago today... the day it all changed. It was a Tuesday. I got the call from Matt around 3:00. I remember I was sitting at the computer at home. Matt told me that he was at the hospital, and that Bob Scott, his boss, had driven him there. Then he said those 4 words I never expected to hear: “The tumor came back.”  My heart stopped. Matt had gone in that morning for an MRI, as he has done numerous times in the past 10 years. He was now at the point where he had an MRI just yearly now, and that one was done in February, which showed that everything was fine. There was no sign of tumor growth, which had been the case for the last 10 years, praise God. But because Matt had been having some seizure activity for the last few months, they suggested he go in for another MRI in July. We then decided we should move up the appointment, because he had been having a headache every day for the past week. Good thing we did.... After I hung up with Matt,  I immediately brok...

I come, God, I come I return to the Lord The one who's broken The one who's torn me apart You struck down to bind me up You say You do it all in love That I might know You in Your suffering Though You slay me Yet I will praise You Though You take from me I will bless Your name Though You ruin me Still I will worship Sing a song to the one who's all I need My heart and flesh may fail The earth below give way But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord Lifted high on that day Behold, the Lamb that was slain And I'll know every tear was worth it all Though You slay me Yet I will praise You Though You take from me I will bless Your name Though You ruin me Still I will worship Sing a song to the one who's all I need Though tonight I'm crying out Let this cup pass from me now You're still all that I need You're enough for me You're enough for me Though You slay me Y...

A part of me misses going to all of Matt’s doctor’s appointments and the chemotherapy infusions. Because at least then we were doing something, fighting against this thing. Even if our efforts were futile, even if the chances were high that the tumor would grow back, at least we were doing SOMETHING . Instead of just this...waiting. As hard as it was to move him around, I miss when we got Matt up out of bed and out more, even when he couldn’t walk. I miss making his meals and doing all of the supplements. Because at least then I felt like, okay, maybe there is no cure, but we can at least try to slow things down. Now we’re just doing nothing but waiting....waiting for this ugly beast to take over his brain ....and watching him slowly fade away. It’s awful. My husband was so outgoing and expressive and full of life, and now he’s just a shell of the man he used to be. He was so big and strong, and now he is pretty much just skin and bones because he  barely eats. It pains me to s...

I've just been very emotional lately. It's like I can go for a while doing okay and then all of a sudden, it just hits me and I go days at a time where I just want to cry all day. The emotions you feel when you're losing someone you love are so weird. Lately I've been finding myself looking back over our years together, wondering if I could have been a better wife, if I could have loved him more, if I could've been less selfish. I find myself thinking about how maybe I should have done things differently, tried harder, or cherished our times together more. Even though I really DID cherish every moment and was so grateful for him and for our life. But still, I can't help but think that if I had known that one day he wouldn't be here, maybe I would have savored the moments even more. But I don’t know....would that have changed anything, would it change how I feel right now and how much I miss him and our life together? Probably not. It’s just like my min...

God hath not promised Skies always blue, Flower-strewn pathways All our lives through; God hath not promised Sun without rain, Joy without sorrow, Peace without pain. But God hath promised Strength for the day, Rest for the labour, Light for the way, Grace for the trials, Help from above, Unfailing sympathy, Undying love. Author: Annie Johnson Flint