All The Emotions....

I've just been very emotional lately. It's like I can go for a while doing okay and then all of a sudden, it just hits me and I go days at a time where I just want to cry all day.

The emotions you feel when you're losing someone you love are so weird.

Lately I've been finding myself looking back over our years together, wondering if I could have been a better wife, if I could have loved him more, if I could've been less selfish. I find myself thinking about how maybe I should have done things differently, tried harder, or cherished our times together more.

Even though I really DID cherish every moment and was so grateful for him and for our life. But still, I can't help but think that if I had known that one day he wouldn't be here, maybe I would have savored the moments even more. But I don’t know....would that have changed anything, would it change how I feel right now and how much I miss him and our life together? Probably not. It’s just like my mind is playing tricks on me or something. I have this continual loop running in my head of all these memories, of him, of things we used to do.

When you think back on things you'll never do again, you just wish you had known in that moment that it would be the last time.  Like our last Jeep ride together, our last walk on the beach, our last putt putt date, our last pizza date...But it wouldn’t change anything if I did know, I guess? That’s why we all should really live like every moment is our last...because it truly could be. It could be. 

More than anything right now I’m just sad. Because I miss my best friend. I’m so thankful that he is still here with me and for every smile I get from him....but  I miss our conversations. I miss him constantly joking with me. I miss laughing with him. I miss his arms around me. I miss his forehead kisses. I miss snuggling with him on the couch. I miss just going to the grocery store on the weekend with him. I miss doing life with him.

You don't realize how many little things you take for granted, like hearing someone's voice, a smile, a hug...until they can't do those things anymore. These days I live for the moments when I can just make him smile.

I just hope I made him happy. I hope I brought joy to his life the way that he did mine. I’m truly thankful for the gift of being able to be his caretaker and share this journey with him, to be able to make him laugh and encourage him and read the Bible to him. Yes, it hasn’t been easy sometimes, but I have gotten better and much less selfless in the process. I’m honored that I got to give back to him for all that he’s done for me. I’m thankful that I have a young and strong body from years of strength training that gave be the ability to move and lift him. I’m thankful for this platform that God gave me to share his story and continue on his words when he no longer could.

Then there are the moments of fear and uncertainties when I allow my mind to go there. There are just so many unknowns... What is life going to be like when he's gone? How will I ever be happy again? How will I support myself? I feel like I'm just going to be so lonely without him. I mean, he’s the one I turned to for advice, for comfort, or just to share things with, the good and the bad. He’s helped me get through so many things the last 14 years... I mean, I was just 18 when we met, and he was so wise and “world smart” about things that I had no clue about. He helped me through college, through my parent’s divorce, my dad’s death, new jobs, my worries about my brother and sister when they were on drugs...And now I’m not going to have that anymore, that person to turn to, that shoulder to cry on.

Yeah, I know friends and family will be there, but you know, their lives go on, and really, I've always been a loner. And it won’t be the same as having him. It’ll never be the same. He’s the only one I was comfortable with just being ME, the real me, and the one I could share everything with, my deepest thoughts and feelings-something I’ve never done with anyone else.

I’ve always been one of those suffer in silence people. I don’t show emotions around others very often and never have, even as a kid. It took me a long time to be able to talk to Matt about my feelings out loud, and he’s the ONLY one I’ve ever opened up with and showed emotion with face face. The only person. It’s just always been really awkward and uncomfortable for me to talk to people about how I feel. I’m more likely to put on a brave face and say everything is fine and then break down when I’m by myself. It’s just how I've always been. So when people ask if I have a support system and people to talk to and all that...it’s like...yes...but no.

I guess my brain is just processing a lot right now...but at least I have God, and I have to trust Him with this. Trust Him to provide. Trust Him to comfort me. Trust Him to heal me. Trust that He will make something beautiful out of the shattered pieces of my heart.

Comments

  1. My heart breaks for you, and my prayers are with you. Your last four sentences: HANG ONTO THOSE. God is there and He will be your comforter, your strength, your healer, and provider. I will pray for love, grace, strength, and comfort that surpasses all understanding.

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