Three Weeks

Three weeks. It's been three weeks that I've existed in a world without Matt Cappotelli. And the truth is, I don't like it. Not one bit.

Becoming a widow(so weird to say that word about myself, but that's what I am now)....man. It’s a whole new world that I’ve been thrown into, a world that I know nothing about. It feels like I’m 18 years old again, trying to figure out what to do with my life. It’s scary and lonely, especially when you’ve been used to having someone by your side for so long.  I try not to think too far ahead, because if I let myself think about how long of a life I have ahead of me with this pain and sadness and this missing him, it’s overwhelming. Sometimes it takes my breath away when I think about it. So one day at a time, or even one breath at a time on some days, I trust in God to give me the grace I need just when I need it.

Even though my heart hurts and I miss Matt SO MUCH... I make it through the days, which is an accomplishment. I didn't crawl in a hole and die like I thought I would. I am doing okay. Not good, not horrible...just okay. Sad, lonely, anxious at times...but okay. I think what has made it a little more bearable is that in reality, I've been grieving for a year, since Matt was diagnosed. And I really lost my husband months ago. I've been doing things on my own for 6 months-eating alone, going out alone, things like that. It still sometimes feels surreal though, that this is my life now, a life without him. Sometimes it just really hits me that he’s not here with me and will never be here with me again. I still can’t believe that I found my soulmate, the love of my life and my best friend, and now he's just going to be a memory. And every morning I have to wake up to that reality over and over again. It doesn’t seem fair... but life isn't fair. 

I miss everything about Matt, but one thing I've realized is that I miss his love, our love. I miss having someone to give my love to and getting love back in return. It feels good to be loved and to be able to give your love to someone, and now all the love I have for him has no place to go. I can't go squeeze his face, or kiss him, or give him a big ol' hug.  A love like we had is rare, and I will miss having that. I will miss having someone make me feel special and beautiful. And I've realized that I really miss physical contact-having his hand to hold, feeling his arms around me, laying my head on his chest...and his hugs, the way I fit so perfectly in his arms.

I also miss all the little things about being married and having a partner to share life with, like having someone to cook for and to try new recipes and restaurants with, or someone to just go on a walk with. I miss having someone to look out for me and take care of me. I miss having someone to share my heart with, someone who truly “gets” me. Yes, I go out and smile and have fun and laugh with my friends and family, and it helps. It does. I can stay busy and distract myself from the pain. I try my best to keep living life, because he would want me to. But...it's not the same as having your "person" with you every single day and night. I still come home to an empty, quiet house with no one to talk to, no one to wrap their arms around me, no one to share my day with, no one to just hang out on the couch and watch TV with. We weren't one of those married couples who merely "existed" or were just roommates. We were best friends and actually enjoyed spending time together.

What I don't want is for people to see me smiling and think I’m doing “fine”, or that I’m better… because the truth is, the pain is always there, you just keep distracted enough to get through the days. They don’t know the heaviness you constantly feel in your chest, or how it always feels like there’s a rock in the pit of your stomach. They don’t know the anxiety and stress you feel from doing things you've never had to do before, or from thinking about what you're going to do now to support yourself. They don’t know that maybe you cried in your car the whole way to wherever you are, or how your thoughts constantly drift off to that person and how they should be there. They don’t know how you still feel so lonely, even if you’re surrounded by people. They don’t know that you’re dreading going home that night to an empty house and that you're counting down the hours left in the day. 

I know it will not always feel like this, but right now the days just seem pointless. There’s nothing to look forward to, except for the day being over. With Matt, I had something to look forward to every day, even if it was just him coming home from work and snuggling on the couch to watch our favorite shows, or laying in the hammock, or going for a ride in the Jeep on a nice day. I looked forward to weekends,  because it was two whole days that I got to be with him all day. I looked forward to floating in the pool with  him and then going to church and out to eat or to a park or to play a game of putt-putt. I mean, he truly was a HUGE source of my happiness, and it’s just going to take a while to get back to some semblance of happiness without him. 

It's true what they say about grief, that it comes in waves. I can go a few days without crying and feel like I'm doing pretty good. Then other days, it just hits me all over again. Some days I feel like, "I can do this. I'm going to be okay." And other days, it feels like my life is over, that I'll never truly be happy again, that I'll just be lonely and sad forever. Some days the pain just hits me so bad that I wanna puke. I know it will continue on like this for a while, I'm sure, these waves of grief. Everyone tells me it'll get better, and I know that eventually it will...I trust God to give me back some purpose to my days, to give me something to live for. But it doesn't change how I feel right now. I can't help the sadness or the loneliness that I feel. My life has been forever changed, and that is just the reality of it.

This past week has been hard. It's almost like as more time goes on, the more things I realize that I miss about him, about us, about our life together, and the more things I realize I may never have or feel again. And what's really hard is that when I'm feeling down and when my heart hurts, my first instinct is to want him, to run to his arms, because it's what I've always done, it's all I've ever known. Yesterday I was at Chick-Fil-A, and I just had the strongest physical urge, the NEED to be in his arms, and the fact that I couldn't go to him and can never go to him again, just hurts so bad. I just want to talk to him, and I want him to tell me how to get through this. Not having that anymore is a really sad feeling, knowing that there is NO ONE out there you can turn to to truly comfort you...

So right now, I'm just sad...and that doesn't mean that I'm depressed, or that I'm hopeless, or that I don't trust God. It doesn't even mean that I never smile or laugh or have fun, because I do. But I know that to get through the pain, you have to let yourself feel it. So many people try not to let themselves feel and they suppress their emotions, and I feel like that is why so many people these days can't cope with things. I read a quote the other day that said something like,the only way to get through grief is to grieve... and that's what I'm doing right now.

One thing that drives me crazy is some of the things people say to try to make me feel better. Here's a tidbit of advice: when someone you know experiences a devastating loss, just know that there ARE NO WORDS that will make it better. Knowing that the person is in a better place, or even that we'll see them again some day does NOT make it better. Saying they are "always in our hearts" doesn't make us feel better. It doesn't change how much we miss them, or the fact that our life has forever changed. So don't always think you have to try and encourage or comfort us, just listen and let us be sad for a little while.

I KNOW that God has amazing things planned for me, and by His grace, I am going to pick myself back up again. And I will live every day of my life to fulfill His purpose for me and to tell about His goodness and grace. I want to be a living example of the grace of God and how He can restore and heal a heart that was broken and a life that was torn apart. Even if that's hard to believe right now, I will wait and hope in Him.