This is what grief is like...
Feeling physically sick
A constant headache from crying and not sleeping well.
Having heavy limbs and no energy.
Counting down the hours for the day to be over.
Laying on the floor in your closet crying.
Being half way through the day, and thinking, "now what?"
Being in the grocery store and suddenly feeling like you just have to sit down on the floor.
Feeling like you're living in a dream.
Dreading night time because that's when the loneliness is the worst.
Thinking you're doing okay...and then sobbing 5 minutes later.
Sitting in the silence, the presence of their absence all you feel.
Feeling like no one understands the pain.
Wanting to be around people but wanting to be alone at the same time.
Only going out in public for short increments, because you can only put on a brave face for so long.
Missing their touch so much that it's an actual ache in your chest.
The days all blending into each other and feeling pointless.
Being exhausted from trying to stay busy to distract yourself from the pain.
But also having days where you do nothing but stay at home and wallow in your misery.
Not being able to fall asleep at night because so many images and memories flood your mind.
Having flashbacks from the moment they took their last breath.
Waking up every morning and remembering all over again that they're not here.
Trying to think positive when all your heart feels is sadness.
Knowing you have to think about your future and your career, but not wanting to push the "play" button on life because it feels like moving on... and you don't want to move on.
Watching videos of them just to hear their voice.
Feeling like you'll never truly be happy again.
Not having anymore tears to cry, so all that comes out is tearless sobs.
Craving someone to comfort you, but knowing that the only one who can isn't here.
Having so many things to tell them at the end of the day, but knowing that you can't.
Constant sadness.
Feeling lonely, even when you're surrounded by people.
Feeling physically sick
A constant headache from crying and not sleeping well.
Having heavy limbs and no energy.
Counting down the hours for the day to be over.
Laying on the floor in your closet crying.
Being half way through the day, and thinking, "now what?"
Being in the grocery store and suddenly feeling like you just have to sit down on the floor.
Feeling like you're living in a dream.
Dreading night time because that's when the loneliness is the worst.
Thinking you're doing okay...and then sobbing 5 minutes later.
Sitting in the silence, the presence of their absence all you feel.
Feeling like no one understands the pain.
Wanting to be around people but wanting to be alone at the same time.
Only going out in public for short increments, because you can only put on a brave face for so long.
Missing their touch so much that it's an actual ache in your chest.
The days all blending into each other and feeling pointless.
Being exhausted from trying to stay busy to distract yourself from the pain.
But also having days where you do nothing but stay at home and wallow in your misery.
Not being able to fall asleep at night because so many images and memories flood your mind.
Having flashbacks from the moment they took their last breath.
Waking up every morning and remembering all over again that they're not here.
Trying to think positive when all your heart feels is sadness.
Knowing you have to think about your future and your career, but not wanting to push the "play" button on life because it feels like moving on... and you don't want to move on.
Watching videos of them just to hear their voice.
Feeling like you'll never truly be happy again.
Not having anymore tears to cry, so all that comes out is tearless sobs.
Craving someone to comfort you, but knowing that the only one who can isn't here.
Having so many things to tell them at the end of the day, but knowing that you can't.
Constant sadness.
Feeling lonely, even when you're surrounded by people.
Oh,sweetie. I'm so sorry. My prayers for you. (((Hugs))))
ReplyDeleteYou are writing my thoughts and feelings with each post. I lost my 38 year old daughter to GBM on June 5. This post hit home because I thought I was doing OK until this past Friday. I just bottomed out and for the next 3 days just stayed home and slept and watched tv because I could not stand the silence. Know that you are helping others by putting your thoughts out here. There are others feeling the same way.
ReplyDeleteThank you. That is my hope. That there will be people out there that can relate and feel like, okay, I'm not alone. This is normal. This is okay. Because I know that that is what I've desperately wanted, for someone to truly be able to "get"it.
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