I just got back from an impromptu weekend girl's trip to Florida! I was in desperate need of the ocean, so I got a few girls together, and we flew in to Indian Shores Friday and came back early yesterday morning.
The beach was BEAUTIFUL-so worth going even if just for a few days. And the weather was great besides rain a couple of evenings. I had a really good time with the girls, laughing and being silly. I've missed that!
I wasn't sure how it would be, since the beach was me and Matt's "thing", but I was okay. Yeah, it was bittersweet, and I thought about him and missed him, but I really did enjoy my time with the girls. It wasn't until the last day when I felt a break down coming on. I've come to find that usually happens after doing something fun, or having a few good days. It's like there's always a crash after the high... I think it's because when you do something fun, you want to have that person to talk to about it. I want to tell Matt how beautiful the ocean was and how much fun I had. But I come home to no one. While everyone gets to go home to their significant others, I have to come home to once again face the reality of what my life is now.
I held it together, but I couldn't wait to get home and let it out. As soon as I got here I went straight to my room, laid on the floor and sobbed for hours. That's the part you don't see about someone who's grieving. You may see them smiling and laughing and having a good time and think, 'Oh, they're doing just fine', but you don't see that moment when they turn their head away to hold back the tears, you don't see them break down once they get to their car and cry the whole way home, you don't see them cry themselves to sleep that night.
And the thing is, no matter what people say, it will never get better, we will just get "used" to this new norm. The new norm of having no one, the new norm of being alone, the new norm of breaking down at random moments, the new norm of having only memories left of the person I loved with every ounce of my being.
Plus, I also have the added stress about starting back to work soon and possibly taking on a new job, and I'm not sure if it's the right decision. I don't have anyone to go to for advice anymore whose input I really value and trust, so that's hard. It's all hard. But it'll be okay. God will provide. God is faithful. I'll make it. If this is the road He's given me to walk down, I will walk it. It may be a sad and lonely journey, but Grace will sustain me.
The beach was BEAUTIFUL-so worth going even if just for a few days. And the weather was great besides rain a couple of evenings. I had a really good time with the girls, laughing and being silly. I've missed that!
I held it together, but I couldn't wait to get home and let it out. As soon as I got here I went straight to my room, laid on the floor and sobbed for hours. That's the part you don't see about someone who's grieving. You may see them smiling and laughing and having a good time and think, 'Oh, they're doing just fine', but you don't see that moment when they turn their head away to hold back the tears, you don't see them break down once they get to their car and cry the whole way home, you don't see them cry themselves to sleep that night.
And the thing is, no matter what people say, it will never get better, we will just get "used" to this new norm. The new norm of having no one, the new norm of being alone, the new norm of breaking down at random moments, the new norm of having only memories left of the person I loved with every ounce of my being.
Plus, I also have the added stress about starting back to work soon and possibly taking on a new job, and I'm not sure if it's the right decision. I don't have anyone to go to for advice anymore whose input I really value and trust, so that's hard. It's all hard. But it'll be okay. God will provide. God is faithful. I'll make it. If this is the road He's given me to walk down, I will walk it. It may be a sad and lonely journey, but Grace will sustain me.
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