I post about him every day, because I can't help it. Because I think about him 24/7. Because I need to talk about him. I want to talk about him.
And that doesn't mean that I'm not living my life, because I am. I get out, I go to the gym, I smile, I hang out with family and friends....I'm living. By God's grace, I'm living. But that doesn't mean that he's not on my mind all the time. He always will be. Always.
I can continue living life, but I'm never going to let go, and I don’t want to let go...He will always be a part of me, and I want it that way.
Right now, I just miss having my "person" by my side. I miss the bond we had, the love we shared. I miss how when I was in his arms, I felt so safe and loved and content…I felt so blessed, so thankful, because I truly had everything I had ever wanted, and that's the truth.
I miss having that special connection you have with someone who's been with you through thick and through thin, someone who knew you deeper than anyone, ugly parts and all, yet still loved you deeply.
We laughed together, cried together, picked each other up when we were down. It's excruciating and lonely not having that anymore.
I miss feeling wanted and valued and beautiful and special. I miss how much he made me smile. I miss him teasing me all the time and making fun of things I said. I miss him looking and me and saying, "You're pretty," and complimenting me on something, like how he liked my hair that day, or telling me my arms looked big.
I don't want to forget how it felt to have that. I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to forget the feel of his skin on mine, how it felt with his arm around me in bed, the feel of my head on his chest, his smell, his kisses, the feel of his face in my hands, his heart beat, his breath, everything. I used to lay on him and tell him that I wanted to melt into him, because I just felt like I couldn't be close enough to him.
I don't want that to just become a memory-I want to be able to feel it, truly feel it. I don't want it to fade away, and sometimes I feel like it is fading...That's why I keep trying to remember, keep replaying it all in my head, because I don't want to forget the man he was before cancer took that away.
Please God, don't let me forget.