Skip to main content

I Don't Want to Forget.

I post about him every day, because I can't help it. Because I think about him 24/7. Because I need to talk about him. I want to talk about him. 

And that doesn't mean that I'm not living my life, because I am. I get out, I go to the gym, I smile, I hang out with family and friends....I'm living. By God's grace, I'm living. But that doesn't mean that he's not on my mind all the time. He always will be. Always. 

I can continue living life, but I'm never going to let go, and I don’t want to let go...He will always be a part of me, and I want it that way.

Right now, I just miss having my "person" by my side. I miss the bond we had, the love we shared. I miss how when I was in his arms, I felt so safe and loved and content…I felt so blessed, so thankful, because I truly had everything I had ever wanted, and that's the truth. 

I miss having that special connection you have with someone who's been with you through thick and through thin, someone who knew you deeper than anyone, ugly parts and all, yet still loved you deeply. 

We laughed together, cried together, picked each other up when we were down. It's excruciating and lonely not having that anymore.
I miss feeling wanted and valued and beautiful and special. I miss how much he made me smile. I miss him teasing me all the time and making fun of things I said. I miss him looking and me and saying, "You're pretty," and complimenting me on something, like how he liked my hair that day, or telling me my arms looked big. 

I don't want to forget how it felt to have that. I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to forget the feel of his skin on mine, how it felt with his arm around me in bed, the feel of my head on his chest, his smell, his kisses, the feel of his face in my hands, his heart beat, his breath, everything. I used to lay on him and tell him that I wanted to melt into him, because I just felt like I couldn't be close enough to him. 

I don't want that to just become a memory-I want to be able to feel it, truly feel it. I don't want it to fade away, and sometimes I feel like it is fading...That's why I keep trying to remember, keep replaying it all in my head, because I don't want to forget the man he was before cancer took that away. 

Please God, don't let me forget.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

People always said That time would heal the pain But how can that be When mine still remains? The tears still fall At just the thought of you So I know that what they say Just can't be true As the years go by I miss you so much still  No matter how much time passes I know I always will How are you not here To ease my hurting heart? Never could I have imagined We would ever be apart My world has been shattered A piece of me is gone And all I can do is pray For strength to live on I know that one day soon I will see you again I just have to try to suffer through And make it until then
5 comments
Read more

Putting My Heart Out There

Hey guys. Here's where we're at right now: Matt finished his radiation treatments last week. Did they help? I don't know. He's sleeping a lot more. Having trouble chewing and swallowing. Not eating much. Not talking much, at least not in full sentences. It's just been a slow, steady decline for the last few months. I think it was really too late for radiation....But who knows, maybe it is delaying things. We went in last Tuesday for his infusion and talked with his neuro-oncologist about everything that we've been seeing with Matt, and he decided that we're at the point now where we should discontinue treatments...I feel like it's the right decision, even though it breaks my heart knowing that there is nothing else we can do. But I feel like we've done everything. All the supplements, the diet, the chemo, the radiation... Matt has fought hard. He never gave up hope. He kept the faith. He never complained through any of this. Not once did I hea...
238 comments
Read more

Why?

Why? Why do I care so much?  Why do I make sure they brush their teeth at night so that they don't get cavities? Why do I spend my own money to buy them clothes, toys and decorate their rooms, among other things?  Why do I do 5,000 loads of laundry a week to make sure they have clothes to wear to school? Why do I make sure they go to church on Sundays so that they'll be raised to know about Jesus? Why do I try to give them chores and responsibilities so that they will turn out to be decent human beings? Why do I read them a bedtime story at night, even when I'm exhausted? Why do I clean up after them constantly and cook for them and try to always have healthy snacks and food on hand? Why do I go to their sports games and practices, just to feel like the odd man out standing there awkwardly with their bio mom? Why do I give 100% of myself and make so many sacrifices for children I didn't birth? Only to be insulted and told hurtful things? To be made to feel like I'm ...
5 comments
Read more