"I Feel Weird"

I used to have this thing were I would say to Matt, "I feel weird". He knew that it meant that I just felt "off", but couldn't put it into words or say exactly what it was. I would say that to him, and he would laugh, or tease me about it, but it always made me feel better to just say that to him and know that he "got" it.

Well, that phrase kind of sums up my life right now. I just "feel weird".  I think it's going to feel that way for a long time, maybe forever.

I feel weird in a world without Matt. I feel weird without his love. I feel weird stepping into a new life, one with him not in it. I feel weird no longer being part of a couple, being an "I" now instead of a "we".

I'm still working on the book, and I've been reading through my old journals from when Matt and I first started dating. It's bringing back all the memories and the emotions, and I can still feel them like it was just yesterday. I can't even put into words the happiness and the joy that was brought to my life when I met him. It's not exaggerating when I say that we were a match made in Heaven. We had something SO special and so rare.

And I'm so thankful for that. I'm so thankful for that love we shared.  It's hard and it hurts that it was ripped away from me, and that I'll never have or feel anything like that again...but it's better to have had that love for just a few short years than never at all.

There are some days when I have those thoughts, thoughts of not wanting to go on like this. I'm not excited about life anymore, like I used to be. But you know what? I'm still here, and I have to make the best of it. I know God has a purpose and that He has great plans for me, and that's what keeps me going.

In all of his, this horrible tragedy of a beautiful man, a beautiful love, and a life cut short...there is still good. There is still reason to be thankful...

♡14 years of beautiful memories, some of the best times of my life ♡A fairytale love story ♡An amazing marriage10 years cancer free, full of fun and adventure The HOPE of Heaven, an eternity of joy, without sorrow, pain, or sickness.Death does not have the final say. Our love will never die.

Grace is still greater.
Weeping may last through the night,    but joy comes with the morning. -Psalm 30:5

I will learn to live with the sadness, and live fully.
I will learn to be happy alone.
I will embrace this new life...one day. It’s not the life I would have chosen, but it’s the life I have.
I will not forever wallow in my pity, but I will focus on God and living out His purposes for me.
I choose to live. I choose to believe.
I still have a future, I still have hope, I still have Jesus.
I will show others that it is possible to live with a broken heart. 
I will show others that joy is possible after living your worst nightmare.
I will trust.
I will walk by faith.

My morning will come. It may not be tomorrow, or even next year, or even in the next 10 years. But it will come.


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