Venting

Just need to vent today, and it's my blog, so I can.

I posted something in the Team Capp page yesterday about life not being fun anymore without Matt. I thought I had created a space there where I could openly share my thoughts, good and bad, happy or sad, so I could share my journey and the reality of what I'm going through with others.

Well, someone said something about me being suicidal, and that just struck a nerve with me. Then I kept getting the "be happy" and "stay strong" and "keep smiling" and "it gets better" comments ...and you know what? Sometimes that's just annoying, and last night I couldn't take it anymore.

 As I've said before, sometimes you just want people to sit with you in your sadness and not try to offer you words of comfort. You just want your feelings heard and validated. You don't want to be told to stay strong, because every day we face life without our person, every day we wake up and put one foot in front of the other despite our grief and heartache, is being strong, and it's exhausting, and sometimes we just want a place to not be strong.

What I've found is that people are uncomfortable with grief. I truly think people would rather you put on a brave face than share how you're really feeling. They would rather you fake a smile, even if you're hurting inside.

The reality of it is, life isn't fun right now. Does that mean I'm suicidal? Of course not. I still get out and live life and laugh and have a good time with friends and family...but I don't have Matt there by my side. I don't have him to talk to and get his advice about things going on in my life. I don't have him to make me laugh every day, and it's lonely, and that is just NOT fun.

I was extra sensitive last night, and I responded to this person, explaining how being sad or expressing an emotion or a thought that I feel at that moment doesn't mean I'm suicidal. He goes on to tell me I'm attacking people and that Matt wouldn't want me to be like that. Seriously, dude??

Not only did I lose my best friend, but I lost my major source of income and the person who handled our finances. I have a house now to take care of and yard work and cars to keep up. I have to get a new job now to make enough money to support myself. And I have to do all this alone while also dealing with the emotional and physical exhaustion of grief. Because at the end of the day, everyone has their own busy lives...so it really is just all up to me.

And I'm doing it. I'm getting by, but it's not always easy. It's definitely not fun. Doing life without the person who made you laugh and smile every day isn't fun! I think I'm doing pretty well for having had my entire life turned upside down, for not ever having been on my own, for not having Matt there by my side to advise and encourage me. I think I'm doing pretty darn good under the circumstances! And I know Matt would be proud of me, for getting out there and doing hard things and living life despite the pain and heartache that I feel every single day. He would be proud.