Bah Humbug

Well, the first holiday without him came and went.

Thanksgiving for me was always the "kickoff" to the holiday season. On any other year, my day would have started out by watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade while decorating the Christmas tree. Matt would have gotten all of the Christmas decorations down from where they were stored in the garage. Then I’d bake my pumpkin chocolate chip cookies as Christmas music blared in the background. My heart would be giddy and excited about the upcoming holiday season, my favorite time of the year. Most of the presents would have already been bought and probably wrapped by now. Yup, that's how much I love the holidays and especially Christmas.

This year, instead, my heart is heavy, and it doesn’t feel like celebrating. I don’t feel giddy or excited, and I can’t force myself to be. All I can feel is how wrong this all is, him not being here, how everything is different. All I can feel is his absence. With that being said, that does NOT mean I’m not thankful. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I still praise God for my blessings every single day.

But this year, I just can’t. I can't get excited about Christmas. There was no Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade on the tv this year. There was no baking cookies, or putting up the tree. There was no Christmas music playing in the background. I took Asher out for a walk since it was a beautiful, sunny day... and cried the whole time. In my mind, Matt was there beside me, like he has been for the past 12 years-it's like he's a ghost or a shadow that follows me, everywhere I go. He's there, always, in my mind, but not really there. I just couldn't help but think of how we would be letting Asher roam around off leash since it was so nice out, and how I'd be taking pictures of Matt and him.

I went to my mom's for a little while and ate some good food and got to see Celeste, so I didn't just sit around feeling sorry for myself....I know not every year will be like this. I know it will get better with time. I've been through loss before. Maybe I'll be able to get into the holiday spirit again one day...but it will always be tinged with sadness, no matter what. This year I don't want to listen to Christmas music or see everyone's beautiful trees. I just want to be a scrooge. Just for one year....or maybe forever.

Comments

  1. It's the first year without a man you love and spent 12 years with! That's totally understandable. A few years ago my grandmother died on the 22nd of December and between her being chronically ill,getting a terminal diagnosis,work and the constant having to drop everything to run to tend to her or go to the nursinghome the year she passed I had no desire to put up the tree and I didn't. People were upset because they kept saying,"She would want you to celebrate." and all I could think was,"I know there's a reason for me to celebrate but it's not going to happen." I made jokes about the fact I didn't put my tree up like,"Maybe elves will come and do it." but I just didn't have that holiday joy and I get where that feeling comes from. The holidays are not the same. There's always that thought of,"Someone is missing." and it doesn't feel right. Do what's best for you right now. Focus on you. There's nothing wrong with that at all! You don't feel like celebrating,putting up a tree or whatever then just don't.

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  2. I would so think it odd if you had any Christmas spirit . Matt and you had a tradition and now he's not here to share it with you. I know if I were in your shoes I would feel the exact same way. if you want to be a scrooge for years its understandable. When its time you will.

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