NO, Life Isn't "Better"

I feel like I haven't been able to write lately....I guess because at this point there's not much more to be said. I have nothing meaningful or profound  or inspirational to say right now. It starts to get repetitive. It sucks, I miss him, blah blah blah. I still wonder how this is even my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in another dimension or something.

The grief waves still come. I was hit by one yesterday. Well, really, the last week hasn't been great-I don't know if maybe it's the cold and dreary weather, or thinking about the holidays coming up, or what. Yesterday was one of those days where I just woke up extra emotional and the tears just kept flowing. That's just how it it is-you have a few decent, or even good days, sometimes even a couple of weeks, and then all of a sudden a wave hits you out of nowhere.

So on those days when I can, I let myself have a sucky day, let myself cry, let myself be sad, let myself feel it. That's not how every day goes, but when I have a day like that, I let myself have it. I'm so tired of people thinking they need to be my cheerleader. I don't want to be cheered up. That does NOT help.  If you wonder what to say to someone grieving-if it starts with "but" or "at least"-don't say it! I'm so tired of hearing Matt is still with me. I'm so tired of hearing he's my guardian angel. He's not. That may comfort others, but it doesn't comfort me.
"You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life.
Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried." -Megan Devine
Someone at the gym the other day asked me if "life is getting better" now. I mean, really. Yeah, 4 months later, and life is soooo much better, let me tell ya. It just shows how much people really don't get it. All loss is hard, but losing a spouse is not like losing a parent or sibling, or whomever. My LIFE was completely ripped out from under me. Matt wasn't just a part of my life-he was my entire life. He wasn't just a part of me-he was my husband, and we were one. There was no me without him. It's not just going to "get better" in a few months.

My brain is just tired right now... my heart hurts.... the days feel monotonous. Matt was the light in my days, and now it just feels like I'm living in a world of gray. Most days I still cry, usually in the car, and other days I feel numb and just go through the motions. I smile and say I'm okay when people ask, because that's what they wanna hear. I sleep, workout, go to work, repeat. I stay busy, and that does help.

But I miss his arms around me. Sometimes when I'm laying on the couch at night, I imagine myself there in his arms. The need for his touch is overwhelming at times, and it sucks knowing I will live without that for the rest of my life. That's something no one gets about losing a spouse either, that's not like losing someone else-the loss of affection and physical touch you had on a daily basis.

To look on the bright side, I'm really enjoying my new job, so that is one good thing, an answered prayer. I'm working at the front desk at a men's salon. It keeps me busy and distracted, and that is just what I need. I train a few clients on the side, but I just don't know if I'll ever go back to more than that. I don't have the mental strength and focus to put into it. I think I was ready for a change anyway.

Despite the bad days here and there, I'm really not doing awful. I know this post is super depressing, but every day doesn't suck. I'm not depressed. I'm getting used to the being alone, to being without him. But some days I just miss him more than others. That's just the way it is.

I love what Kyle Idleman texted me a while back:
"I know healing feels slow and is probably better measured in years than by months, but while your heart may always feel homesick for Matt, your strength will return...like an athlete who learns to play hurt, it takes time to figure out how to live with this wound." Love that. And I am figuring it out. I'm figuring it out. But it will take time.

I will wipe my face and carry on another day.


Comments

  1. I'm not trying to compare it but what you're going through with people is sort of similar to what I go through with my depression and anxiety. People's favorite words are,"Snap out of it.' and believe me,I wish I could. You can't feel anything other than what you're feeling and it never gets easy when you lose someone you love. I don't get how that confuses people. How exactly does life get better in this? Do they mean better because you don't have to watch someone you care about suffer because you suffer right along with the person and you suffer when they're gone. I get the not wanting to write because when all you can say is,"I miss him.","I hate feeling like this." and other things you feel like you're just repeating yourself. I did that when I was really having a hard time with depression. I just felt guilty writing things because it was like,"I'm so depressed.","I'm sad." and "I don't know what to do." but please, don't feel "bad" or "guilty" because writing can be a great outlet for your feelings. I don't know if that makes sense and I absolutely do not want to upset you but there's great power in words and you definitely have a gift for writing. I know it's hard to write when you're just not feeling it but it can be a good outlet and I think it's better to view it that way.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, that is what it's like. I appreciate that so much. Thank you. It does make me feel better than someone does want to hear what I write. And it is a good outlet.

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