It's been 6 months, 2 days, 9 hours, 40 minutes since I last kissed his face and said goodbye to the love of my life.
I had a major grief wave hit me Saturday.
It's crazy how you really think you're doing okay, and then suddenly you're not. You're not okay at all. You feel pain, so much pain, unbearable pain, and you just want it to go away, but it won't. You cry and cry and cry and the tears keep coming. And you look around, only to find that there's no one there. Not one person. No one who can help you or hold you or fix it. Matt could fix everything. But he can't fix this.
I wish I could say I'm doing better than I was last month, but I can't.
I felt worst last this weekend than I've felt in a long time, like since the day Matt died. I felt like I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, because I don't want to feel pain like that ever again. The emptiness. The loneliness. I'm so over it. But I know that I have to suffer through it, that it won't just instantly go away some day. But I don't want to live this life. I don't want to live without him. He was my rock, and without him, it feels like I'm falling apart.
No, I'm not suicidal. I know I am here for a reason, and I know God has a plan for me. I know there is joy ahead, and that I just have to endure this for now. That hope is what I cling to, what keeps me going on the hardest of days. But some days just hurt. So bad.
I prayed to God for someone to reach out Saturday night, and then my best friend, Melissa texted. I told her I was having a bad night, and so she invited me to sleep over. We played pictionary with the kids, sang and acted goofy, and then talked until 2 in the morning. That's a good friend, and it helped me SO much.
I think maybe the holidays just finally got to me or something....I don't know. Maybe it was just another Saturday alone. Maybe it's just how much I'm missing Matt's love, and wondering if anyone will ever love me like that again, if anyone will truly love my soul again like he did.
No one has any idea how hard this is, how it may seem like we're okay, like we're moving forward...and then we get punched in the gut and knocked back down again, and it feels like we're back at square one. No one gets how sometimes it gets worse, way worse, before it ever gets better.
Ya'll know I'm always real and that I don't sugar coat things. This is just the reality of what it's like for me right now. Happy New Year.
“And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.”