Missing My Soft Place to Land

Well, 5 months has come and gone. Things are about the same. There are some days where I still feel this nauseous feeling in my stomach, or if it's not that, it's more of a panicky/anxious feeling in my chest. I still feel "weird", but the weirdness I guess is something I'm getting more used to feeling. I'm always going to feel weird when half of my soul is in another place...

The thing that has been the hardest the last couple weeks is not having that person whose arms you could fall into, that one person who you could just let go and let it out and not be strong with. The one person who would just hold you and let you cry it out. The one person you didn't have to put up a front with.

It gets tiring always holding it in, not having that safe place to land, not having someone to comfort you on the hard days, someone to just sit beside you and hold your hand, someone to ask about your day, someone to actually care about the pain you feel inside. I'm not the type of person who can do that with just anyone-my close friends and family will tell you that. Matt was it for me. For the last 12 years, I had that....and now I don't.

You act so strong and stone cold and unemotional on the outside all of your life, when on the inside it hurts. On the inside you want so badly to have just ONE person you can be a weak, sad, pathetic, miserable mess with instead of pretending that you're superwoman and that nothing can phase you.  But it's just another thing I'll suck up and deal with, because what else can ya do? That's life.

So I keep going, face the day, put on a my smile, laugh and act like everything is fine. I do that on the actual okay days, but also on the bad days. I keep the pain inside, and I wipe the tears after I've cried in the car. (I'm getting really good at crying without messing up my makeup.) But after so many months of doing that, of not having a shoulder to cry on, or arms to hold you when you're feeling weak, it's hard. Doing life alone is hard. I never thought I'd be single and alone at 33 years old. I never thought I'd be living a life without him.

Someone the other day basically told me to embrace my "new life", to be thankful that I get the chance to have two lives, in a way. Well, I do appreciate the sentiment, but that's not where I am right now, and I can't just "think positive" my way out of grief and missing him. I'm not there yet. Grief isn't something you turn off like a switch. It's not something you can just say, "Okay, grief, I'm done with you. Go away now."  I mean, if you can do that, more power to ya.

Yes, I'm going to live the rest of my life to the fullest, and I'm thankful for God's grace that gets me through each day. I wake up truly full of gratitude for what I have and for how God has gotten me through this last year and a half. I'm grateful that I'm alive and healthy and that I have a job I like and  that I have family and friends. I'm grateful that I had Matt in my life, for what he taught me, for the love we shared, for who I am because of him, for how he will always be a part of me.

But I'm not yet at the "Oh, I'm so glad and thankful I have the chance to live this new life without my true love and best friend!" point yet. Nope. I still just miss him.

Comments

  1. Ive been reading ypur blog ever since I discovered it when I read that matt had passed as I used to follow him back in his wrestling days. I live a completely different life but I l0ve following your posts because it gives me insight on how others feel in different scenarios in life and its like you said, one foot in front of the other and it soubds like youre doing that… positive vibes your way lindsay

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  2. Sending you a big huge hug! I don't think I'll EVER understand how people are expecting you to be 'embracing your new single life' after such a brief time of loss! Matt was your life and even though God is giving you the strength to get through each day, it doesn't mean you won't hurt because you are separated from him. I know you're doing your best and as you face each day, I pray for God's strength and peace to help you.

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