I’m Scared.

Grief, widowhood, it’s such a roller coaster of emotions. Such a roller coaster. I can literally be having a good day, feeling okay, then bam, 2 hours later I’m emotional and trying to hold back tears. Or some days it’s the opposite. I wake up feeling sad, cry all morning, and then I get better as the day goes on.
I can be good for a week, or even two, maybe. Then suddenly out of nowhere, I’m sucked back in to a grief wave, and it’s brutal. In those waves, I feel depressed and lonely and hopeless and my heart just freaking hurts so bad.
Some days it’s the missing him that kills me, some days it’s the loneliness....
But recently, it’s been a new emotion. I’m scared. Today I’m scared.
I’m scared of feeling this loneliness forever. I’m scared of never having love and joy and happiness in my life again like I did for the last 14 years. I’m scared I’ll never be that carefree, joyful person I used to be. I’m scared I’ll never have someone to be my true self with ever again, that I’ll never have someone to laugh with every day, or snuggle with, that I’ll never feel loved or give love again.
I don’t want a life without that.
I want to feel the way I felt with him again.
Will I be able to have that without him? With someone else? How could I?
He was perfect for me, and like another widow friend of mine said the other day, finding someone like him again or the chance of having something like what we had would be like winning the lottery twice. It doesn’t happen.
And that’s a depressing thought.
I know it’s still so soon. It’s only been 7 months. But I had no idea the loneliness could be so brutal, so suffocating, so unbearable. All these things I’m trying to do to not feel lonely, to feel some kind of happiness, it only lasts temporarily. Because no matter what I do, at the end of the day I end up here, at home, on the couch, alone, without his arms around me, without his shoulder to lay my head on...and I feel like no one can comprehend how absolutely freaking lonely that feels.
Sometimes I wish that we didn’t have it so good, that he wasn’t so amazing, that our marriage wasn’t as good as it was, that he wasn’t my whole world, that he didn’t make me so happy. Because at least then I wouldn’t feel like this. I wouldn’t know what I was missing. I would know how to live in a world without him. I would be able to deal with not feeling that happiness.
But no, I wouldn’t want that. It just set the bar so high, and it will take a long time to learn to live without that, to learn to live with this emptiness in my heart, to learn to live with sorrow, with this ache in my heart.

Comments

  1. It takes time to get past losing someone you love and I will never said "get over" because that's not possible. You need to give yourself time and you need to know that the love Matt gave you lives on in you,it lives on in how you treat others and it's a reflection of what you truely deserve.

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