Weekends

Weekends...

Oh, they get me every time.

I used to look forward to the weekends, because I got to hang out with Matt for two whole days! I would always plan something fun for us to do, because I liked getting out of the house, even if it was just to go out to eat or to the park or to play putt-putt.

And even if we didn't do anything, just hanging out with him, playing a game at home on the couch, or making dinner at home and watching a movie was something to look forward to.

I miss those weekends with him.

Now...the weekends are full of a bunch of nothing. Just me, alone with my sadness and nothing to distract myself from it, no way to escape it.

I can get through the week days most of the time. I pretty much stay busy non-stop Monday through Friday. I go to the gym, then come home, eat and get ready for work. Then I work all afternoon until 8:00, come home and eat dinner, watch a couple hours of tv and journal, then go to bed around midnight. Even Sundays aren't that bad, because I go to the gym and it's my house cleaning, food prep, and laundry day.

But then Saturday comes...I work all day most Saturdays until 4, and almost every single time I burst into tears as soon as I get into my car. I guess because I know I have 2 full days ahead of me, by myself, alone with my thoughts, trying to find something to fill the time so that I'm not sitting at home on Saturday night alone, which is most often the case. When everyone else is going home to families/spouses/significant others....

Saturdays, without fail are my worst, most depressing days. I can't even go to church anymore on Saturday evenings, because I've found that it only makes me feel worse. That used to be our date night after church, so going to church by myself and then coming home to an empty house is just hard. I haven't gotten used to it yet. The weekends that I manage to get through are the ones where I have plans and stay busy, but I can't have plans every single weekend.

Now I'm finding myself getting half way through the week and having anxiety about the upcoming weekend, knowing how depressed I'm going to be. I have to remind myself not to think that far ahead, to focus on the here and now, just getting through day, but it's hard. I'm tired of feeling depressed, and I don't want to feel that way anymore... but there isn't anything I can do about it. There are some Saturday nights I've just felt absolutely awful. I have never felt such loneliness before, and I never realized how horrific it can feel. I have a lot of good in my life that I'm thankful for, but this widow crap is stupid and it sucks and I hate it.

Comments

  1. I don’t know you, but I really admire your honesty in putting your feelings out there. There’s a real tendency for women of faith to just say be “strong” in your prayer and it will all be well with your soul, but that’s just not the case for lots of us. Knowing that God is there and he will bring you through this is good for your head - it will get less difficult! But, it’s a lot harder for your heart on a long weekend and I just pray that you will find comfort in the days ahead and some small, new rituals that will ease your transition. Stay strong and know there’s people you’ll never even meet praying for you❤️

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    1. Thank you. Always gonna be real here, because I know others can relate. I'm not gonna pretend that just because I'm a Christian tat it isn't hard or that there's not pain. The reality is, it's awful. But I'm still standing and living, and that's God's grace.

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