I Did a Thing

I did a thing!

I've been wanting to get my nose pierced for a while now, and I finally did it! I was at work yesterday, and just thought, what the heck, scheduled an appointment, and went by myself to get it done. And I'm so glad I did. I love it! 

I don't know what it is, but these days I just want to do all the scary/exciting and new things!

Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's me trying to feel some excitement after so many months of feeling pain and sadness, maybe it's just my rebel side coming out, maybe it's just that I want to feel alive again, I don't know. It's hard to explain. But I'm not gonna over analyze and just go with it. Right now I'm just living in the moment!

I've been doing so many things outside of my comfort zone the last few months, proving to myself that I can do things that are scary, and things that I want to do without worrying about what anyone else thinks. And it feels good. It feels good to know I'm a lot braver and stronger that I ever thought I was.

I have this new found fearlessness all of a sudden, and all I know is that it feels good. After the last year and a half that I had, I just want to find anything that will give me a small glimpse of happiness, a small glimpse of any emotion besides pain.

On the other hand, I’m always afraid that when I post something about being "happy" that it will make people think that I'm “moving” on or that I’m “over” Matt. Because that will NEVER happen. My life with him is gone. I have no choice but to sit around and feel sorry for myself or to keep living. I want to live. It's just me here now in this world without him, and I have to create a new life for myself. 

But just because I have some moments of happiness, that doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt. It's not either/or. You can actually be happy but still have a deep sadness and ache inside your heart.It doesn't mean that I won't still cry because I miss his arms around me at night. It doesn’t mean I don’t still have meltdowns in the car. It doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t give absolutely anything to go back to my old life, my life with him, back to the days when he was all I had and all I needed, the one who brought the joy and sunshine to my days. I’d give anything to have that back. But that's not possible. 

So even though my heart still hurts, I choose to live on and make the best of it, this life I'm living, somehow, someway. It is weird that you can be terribly sad yet still happy and excited about things at the same time. That your heart can hurt but still have joy. That you can hate that this is your life, but still find so much appreciation and joy in the small things. Actually, it’s the smallest things these days that can bring such happiness to my heart sometimes. And I'm thankful that I can still feel that, that there is still a piece of the old Lindsay, the happy-go-lucky, positive, joyful Lindsay deep down inside.


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